Falling Reversed
by PsychologyGeek81
Summary: Alternate ending where Sam survives. As those at the centre of the accident try to answer the questions Sam left in her wake, Sam wakes up. How will her new understanding of life effect her relationships with everyone around her, and how will she explain her random behaviour on February 12th. Warning: discussion of sensitive topics.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: this fanfiction will contain a mixture of first and third person pov's. The pov will remain in third person until Sam wakes up, and then its mostly first person.**

 **Second authors note: idk whats going on with the chapters starting really close to the chapter selection bar, I've tried fixing it but it didn't work so you may have to bear with it.**

Everything felt like nothing. Seconds blurred into minutes and the whiteness of the walls was blinding. Kent felt like he was glued to the chair, thawing in his damp clothes and staring blankly at signs on the walls and hearing all the sounds around him merge into one deafening noise, causing his blood to roar even louder in his ears and pain to throb in his temples on top of the aching in his chest. He felt as if he wasn't really there, numb, like he was watching the scene from an above angle, or on a television screen. He didn't feel real, like he was still right there, kneeling on the cold wet road and stroking her bleeding face in the pouring rain, trying so hard to keep it together in the ambulance when the paramedics said they'd lost her. He was replaying the gruesome moment over and over again, when her body hit the road with a sickening thump.

Sam had been rushed straight to theatre when they arrived, the doctors knew that if they didn't they would lose her for good, like they almost did on the way over. It was all Kent could think about, how he'd have no idea how she was for hours, whether she was even alive right now. That he'd have to call her parents and tell them, tell them their daughter might not even make it off the operating table, the thought brought a lump to Kent's throat so thick that he felt like he couldn't breathe. Kent's cheeks were wet, and he was unsure whether it was rain or tears. How? How could that have happened? How would he be able to survive the next few hours without going insane? With Sam on the operating table and Juliet being assessed he was completely alone, left to wait for a scrap of news and replay the past half hour over and over again.

Juliet winced as the nurse examined her wrist, biting down on the inside of her cheek as pain raced through it and shot up her arm. She managed to concentrate long enough to hear that the nurse thinks she's sprained it, confirming her own suspicions, and that they want to monitor her to see if she displays any signs of hypothermia. She'd been shivering constantly since they arrived, a combination of shock and change of temperature. The moments in the ambulance and after felt surreal, like she wasn't actually living them. She never intended to be. She could barely process the fact it wasn't over, that someone had saved her at the last minute and she would go on to live another day, filling her with pain and exhaustion.

As soon as they had decided that she needed to be assessed they made her change into a hospital gown, ensuring that she was out of her soaking wet clothes as quickly as possible. She sat there while they did the examination, staring vacantly at the wall in front of her as they cleaned away the wet mud that caked her face and wiped over the grazes that covered her hands and jaw. She just wanted it to be over, she didn't want to be here, and now the thought of having to face another day with people knowing what she'd tried to do felt even more unbearable. At least the hospital didn't know, not yet. She could cling to those precious minutes while they lasted, while the only person who knew somehow lay unconscious on an operating table.

After the assessment Juliet was brought out to Kent, who sat in a small chair in the waiting area looking about as dazed as she felt. The nurse explained to Kent that they were taking her to a room to monitor her, as she was showing potential signs of mild hypothermia, and he nodded in agreement, then returned to waiting for Sam's parents, his stomach sinking lower and lower as each minute passed.

Once in her own room the nurses tried to talk to Juliet about the accident, but got nothing but tears and incoherent mumbling. The only thing they could make out was excessive repeating of the word no, and that 'she wasn't supposed to do that' 'she wasn't supposed to save me'. The nurses then talked to Kent about the accident and he told them everything he could remember, how Sam had claimed she needed to help someone and then took off, knowing exactly where to find Juliet before pushing her out of the road. The nurses then consulted and started to see a clearer picture on what had happened, and what wasn't being said. They concluded that they needed to keep their patient in to monitor risks much more severe than hypothermia.

The Sykes house was quiet, but Mrs Sykes was not asleep, how could she when her daughter wasn't even home yet. Every time she'd forgotten throughout the evening, assuming that Juliet was up in her room like usual something reminded her, making her feel guilty for ever forgetting in the first place. Still not back from the first party she'd been to in years at gone one in the morning without even a phone call, it was most uncharacteristic, and very unnerving, small worries kept digging into Mrs Sykes thoughts like someone had wedged a hammer in there that refused to be wrenched out. All of Mrs Sykes worries were confirmed when the phone shrilled through the house. She raced to pick it up, her heart hammering in her chest as she did. "hello." She murmured tentatively.

"Hello, Mrs Sykes?" the voice on the other end asked, sounding very professional. Mrs Sykes swallowed, nothing good ever came from professional sounding calls in the middle of the night.

"Yes, who is this?"

"I'm calling from Ridgeview city hospital," as soon as the words left the callers mouth Mrs Sykes heart sank like a stone thrown into a lake. "Your daughter was recently brought in."

"Juliet?" she stammered, desperately trying not to think the worst. Somewhere in the background her husband woke, grumbling about the noise and complaining about whoever was calling at gone one thirty in the morning.

"Yes ma'am, we're going to need you to come in as soon as possible." This did not sound good, it sounded like every parent's nightmare brought to life. Mrs Sykes hoped the person on the other end of the line couldn't hear her distressed whimpering.

"Is..." she could barely talk, barley think, every horrific possibility racing through her mind. "Is she okay?"

"Yes she's fine," the caller responded. Mrs Sykes let out a sigh of relief so heavy it felt as if her spirit had lifted out of her and then been sucked back in. "But we need to speak with you quite urgently." Mrs Sykes contained a cry of despair, at least they knew she wasn't severely injured, or worse. But that then bore the question of what was so urgent that they need to get to the hospital immediately.

"Alright, were on our way," She told the hospital caller, already putting on her shoes.

"What the hell was that all about?" her husband groaned rudely from behind her. She sucked in her frustration, knowing now was not the time for arguments.

"Juliet's in the hospital," She spluttered, groping around in the closet for a coat.

"What?" Mr Sykes exclaimed, a little too loudly for this time in the morning before slowly manoeuvring himself out of bed. While he did that she ran down the hall to her youngest daughter Marian's room, knocking delicately on the bedroom door.

"What mom?" Marian grumbled sleepily from under the covers of her bed.

"Your sister's in the hospital, we're leaving as soon as your father's ready," She explained, knowing even without seeing the look of panic that must be etched across Marian's face. She threw off her bed covers, speeding around her room for a pair of shoes.

"Mom, wait for me," she declared, pulling on a pair of uggs in total darkness and wrestling on her coat.

The drive to the hospital was unnervingly quiet, all the passing houses lights were off and there was hardly another car out on the road as the moon shone eerily above them. Mrs Sykes poured all her concentration into getting them to the hospital in one piece, her hands trembling as they gripped the steering wheel so tight her knuckles almost split through the skin. _She's fine_ Mrs Sykes told herself over and over again as they passed green lights and other lone cars out on the road. _She's fine,_ actual words the person on the phone had said. She didn't realise she's said them aloud until her husband questioned her.

"If she's so fine then why are we driving to the hospital at nearly two in the morning."

"They said there was something else. Something they need to talk to us about."

Nobody else spoke after that. Once they had arrived they went straight to the front desk where a nurse told them to wait until the fetched someone overseeing Juliet's care. When the woman finally arrived a deep knot formed in the pit of Mrs Sykes stomach as they were lead aside into a small office.

"Mr and Mrs Sykes," The nurse began, her face kind and not at all looking like she was about to be the bearer of bad news, which gave Mrs Sykes a sense of foolish hope.

"Is Juliet okay?" Mrs Sykes blurted immediately.

"Yes, she's fine." The nurse replied, a little too cheery for Mr Sykes liking.

"Then what happened?" he asked, with a tone too rude for professional discussion. He knew that if she truly was fine, then they would not have been pulled aside into some nurse's office.

"She was involved in a car accident," the nurse explained, deciding to add in the details when she saw the shocked looks on their faces. "It's nothing to worry about, she's suffered a sprained wrist and a few cuts and there might be a slight risk of hypothermia so we're going to keep her in overnight." The relief on Mrs Sykes and the younger sister's faces was obvious, Mr Sykes still didn't look convinced. "But that's not why you're here."

"Then why are we?" spat Mr Sykes. "What happened to our daughter?"

"Because the team overseeing those who were brought in from the accident site found something concerning when we spoke to the witness," The nurse explained. A sheet of dread fell over Mrs Sykes, her insides turning cold. The nurse took a deep breath and readied herself.

"Mr and Mrs Sykes," she said firmly. "A fellow student pushed your daughter out of oncoming traffic." She watched the slow realisation spread across the young girls face, the sister, while Mr and Mrs Sykes gaped at her, confused.

"What does that mean?" stammered Mrs Sykes.

"We think that your daughter might have been trying to take her own life."

"Oh my god," Gasped Mrs Sykes, one hand flying up to cover her mouth. Mr Sykes eyes went blank before his gaze fell to the floor, and their youngest daughter's eyes were wide, her lips parted with shock, even though the nurse could tell she knew what was going to be said before the words were even out of her mouth.

"Now, I have to ask you a few questions before I can take you to see her," The nurse informed them, trying to calm them down as much as possible. She questioned them on whether they found this news shocking, whether it seemed uncharacteristic for their daughter to do something like this and whether they had noticed any changes in behaviour or signs, and whether she had made any previous attempts, to their knowledge, which resulted in a confession from the younger daughter of finding a misplaced bottle of pills in their shared bathroom last month around the time their winter break was due to end, but at the time thinking it had been taken out of the medicine cabinet in search of something and was left out by mistake. After the nurse had questioned them, she informed them on what would happen to Juliet after the hospital released her before escorting them to her room.

Mrs Sykes opened the door first, being hit with a wave of heat as she crept into the room, then remembering what the nurse had said about hypothermia. The rest of the family filed in quietly, taking in the room around them. There was a chair in one corner and a sole bed in which Juliet lay, staring at the wall. She didn't even look at them when they came in, like she didn't know they were even there. It took one excruciating moment of silence before Mrs Sykes sped over to her daughter's bed, scooping her up and pulling her against her, running her thin fingers through Juliet's damp hair.

"Oh, baby," She whispered, mangled sobs getting caught against Juliet as she held her thin, cold body. Juliet made no attempt to move, just let her mother hold her while staring at the wall, like she couldn't pull her eyes away even if she tried. Her mother let go eventually, manoeuvring herself so she was perched on the edge of the bed, her father and Marian standing close behind her, tears streaming down Marians cheeks.

"Is what they're saying true?" her mother began, trying to retain her strong voice though it was obviously faltering, Juliet could hear the tell-tale quiver. "Did you try to-" she couldn't even say it.

In response Juliet could only cry.

Another distraught gasp escaped her mother's throat before she flung her arms around her again, sobbing into her hair. The two of them cried together, their bodies racking against each other in a steady rhythm. In the background she could hear Marian stifle more tears, her father shuffling on the spot. Juliet wasn't even sure why she was crying, but she supposed crying was better than saying the words out loud, it was about all she could manage as everything spiralled out of control around her. Eventually Marian joined them, Juliet felt more weight fall against her side, and caught the scent of her too sweet shampoo. Everything was a mess, control slipping through Juliet's fingers faster than water, and she was trying to cling to it desperately. Her family were never supposed to know, and now her guilt over them finding out felt like someone had injected lead into her veins, like someone had strapped a brick to her chest and thrown her underwater, like it was drowning her.

"It's going to be alright, everything is going to be alright," her mother stammered while stroking her wet hair and grazed face. She sounded half crazed with desperation. "We're going to get you help. We'll get you all the help you need, okay." Except it wasn't, but all Juliet could do was nod her head in agreement and pretend that everything wasn't happening. She was nowhere near ready for this reality.

The Kingston's hadn't been exactly unprepared for receiving a phone call in the middle of the night, but as Ellen Kingston groggily reached for the phone the realisation that something was very wrong crept in immediately.

"Hello," She mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

"Hello, Mrs Kingston?" the woman on the other end of the phone asked. This made Ellen force herself into attention, she could hear the underlying seriousness in their tone.

"Speaking. Who is this?"

"This is Ridgeview City Hospital, I'm afraid your daughter has been in a serious accident," The voice said, and suddenly the room had turned upside down.

"What?" she gasped, her mid racing with gruesome images of what could be meant by 'serious accident'. She pictured blood, rivers of blood clotting in her girl's hair, she pictured broken limbs with the bones splintering through. Everything occurred to her in that very moment where this stranger confirmed her fears that Sam was not okay.

"We need you to get down to the hospital immediately," The voice continued, but all Ellen heard was the blood pounding in her ears.

"Of course," She managed to spit out. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"All I can say is your daughter is currently in theatre, the rest will be explained on your arrival." Theatre, which means it's bad. She started stumbling out of bed, pushing her husband frantically to wake him.

"We'll be there right away," She confirmed, as her feet fell into the nearest pair of shoes, her husband groggily trying to make sense of the situation. She hung up the phone and continued getting ready, gently pulling Izzy out of bed before the three of them set off for the hospital.

"Mr and Mrs Kingston," They heard through the hum of noise from the night shift, but it was not a nurse's voice, it was a young boy's. They turned to find a young man standing in wet bloody clothes before them, his shaggy hair damp and curling into his eyes. They recognised him as one of Sam's old friends and fellow classmates.

"Kent, isn't it?" Mr Kingston asks, jostling Izzy against his shoulder to make her more comfortable as she slept.

"Yes. I'm so sorry," The boy choked out, which only unsettled them more.

"Why?" asked Mrs Kingston, desperation in her eyes.

"It's pretty bad, she's been hit by a car outside my house," Kent explained feebly, every ounce of dread and pain at the thought of this moment boiling to the surface, threatening to make him collapse right in front of them, or burst into tears.

"How serious?" asked Mr Kingston, worry and despair etched into every feature of his face. Kent felt both his heart and stomach drop to the floor, each breath painful in his throat as he prepared to deliver the news.

"She-"Kent whined, wondering how he was even still breathing. "She might not." Kent didn't even have to finish the sentence before the Kingstons turned to each other and let out devastating gasps, tears spilling down Mrs Kingston's face and welling in the corners of Mr Kingston's eyes. Kent wished it were him on that operating table, so that he wouldn't have to feel the pain of this moment, so tangible that it almost knocked him to the floor.

"Where's the nurse?" Mr Kingston asked. Torn with either comforting his distraught wife or keeping his youngest daughter asleep so she doesn't have to witness this.

"Front desk," Kent answered flatly before sitting himself down, watching them as the nurse explains the details to them, at least Kent was spared that conversation, he thought. Wondering whether or not he wanted to know the specifics of Sam's injuries, what parts of her they were cutting open in a frantic attempt to keep her alive. Kent didn't even notice when the Kingstons made their way back over, sitting down in the empty chairs beside him.

"Are you okay?" Mrs Kingston askes through sniffles, shifting a half-conscious Izzy into her lap.

"Fine. I only saw it happen," Kent deadpanned, like it was something he'd explained a million times and was sick of people asking him. Like it was committed to memory. "There was another girl involved but she only had minor injuries"

"Another girl?" inquired Mrs Kingston, her eyes now filled with concern for a girl that wasn't hers.

"Yeah, Sam pushed her out of the van's way," Kent told them. Mr and Mrs Kingston then exchanged a glance, like they wanted to consider this information together. From the looks on their faces they could tell they must have thought this a good thing, because something changed. A hint of pride hung underneath the worry. Kent swallowed painfully.

"I think you should know that they," he began, each breath feeling like knives down his throat. "They lost her a few times in the ambulance, but were able to bring her back." Mrs Kingston let out a quiet gasp, but then took a moment to let it sink in and returned to normal, or whatever could be called normal in this situation.

"Oh it's all so awful," She wailed, clutching hold of Izzy's sleeping form like someone was desperately trying to take her, like one daughter just wasn't enough.

"I'm really sorry that you're going through this," Kent repeated, each word sounding agonising as it left his lips.

"Thank you," Mrs Kingston whispered, and they then begun preparing themselves for the long morning ahead of them.

It was several hours later, after some uncomfortable napping on chairs that Kent and the Kingstons were fully updated on Sam's condition. She'd been put in a coma after they managed to reduce the bleeding and swelling in her brain, and she had a few broken ribs and a the bones in one leg had almost shattered from the knee down, but that would be worried about once she came out of the coma, if she ever came out of the coma. Juliet was kept overnight, and showed no signs of hypothermia but was to be monitored constantly until a temporary place for her at a psychiatric facility could be arranged. The Kingstons drove Kent to theirs where he slept on their couch, desperate to put those hours behind him, and thankful when he drifted off into a heavy sleep.

 **Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

Marian wrapped her knuckles gently against the closed door in front of her, an unusual stirring of emotions settling in her chest as she waited for permission to enter from the other side. She couldn't remember the last time she'd stepped foot in her sisters bedroom before Sunday when her mother sent her in there to grab some clothes. Juliet hated to have people going in her room without her knowledge, and Marian had quickly learned why that day. The room was bare and messy, clothes strewn all over the floor like she hadn't had the energy to pick them up in weeks, the bed was unmade and there were enough empty plastic bottles sat on surfaces for her sister to make a sculpture out of, which some while ago it could have been likely she was planning to do just that. The walls were bare apart from one which was covered in old sketches and paintings, starting with bright paintings of sunny landscapes that slowly turned to sketches of crying girls and lurking shadows. The curtains were closed, letting in no light, and at the foot of her unmade bed sat an open journal which had obviously had several pages ripped out, which Marian was tempted to read but didn't, knowing that the contents would only strengthen the feeling that a gaping hole was being ripped open in her chest.

"Come in," came a quiet voice from the other side of the door, at which Marian eased the door open and stepped inside Juliet's bedroom. She was in bed, not asleep but just staring at the ceiling, all of the lights off. At first Marian wasn't quite sure what to do, whether she should sit in the chair in the corner of the room or crawl into bed with her sister, hugging her tightly in a hopeless attempt to take away all of her pain. She desperately wanted to do the latter. This week had been one of the most difficult she'd ever experienced in her life, and there had been quite a few of them in her fifteen years. Between learning of her sister's attempted suicide and packing her off to spend a week in a short term stay psychiatric facility on Sunday, Marian had felt exhausted all week. The accumulation of shock and guilt and never ending questions of why she didn't notice sooner had made her feel like she was running on autopilot all week, like she hadn't been really there and was watching each day pass by from outside her own body, completely disconnected from herself. She'd even started crying in class on a few occasions, telling herself that if she'd just paid more attention then maybe it wouldn't have happened at all. It wasn't that she and Juliet didn't get along, they'd just grown apart. Juliet spent more and more time shut up in her bedroom, only coming out for dinner and to use the bathroom, and Marian had her friends and her swimming that kept her busy, she was distracted by practice and sleepovers and hadn't been there as much for her sister. Apart from school she and Juliet barely saw each other despite living under the same roof, something which now Marian was deeply regretting. If only she'd made more of an effort to show her sister how much she loved her.

"Is it cool if I sleep in here tonight?" Marian asked tentatively. It was Juliet's first night at home since the accident and she really didn't want her to be alone. Juliet nodded, thinking that it was most likely their mother who had put her up to it, but allowed her in nonetheless. It felt strange, almost suffocating in the way everyone had been acting since the accident, all the talking and overt affection was something she definitely wasn't used to. Even her father was acting different. It must have been a shock to them, but issues weren't talked about in this household, they were swept under the rug and kept to a few knowing glances but nothing more. Nobody talked about whether Juliet was okay or what she could have been doing up in her room all day in the same way nobody spoke about her father when he drank, or the reason he suddenly stopped driving. And now here Marian stood smiling in her bright pink pyjamas, letting the blinding hall light in through the slightly open door. Maybe it was time they would start talking.

Marian climbed into bed beside her sister, the sheets cold against her arms and her toes as she settled herself against the pillow. Juliet was now lying on her side facing Marian, her bandaged wrist elevated on the pillow. But she wasn't looking at her, she was staring past her, her eyes vacant like she was in some sort of trance as she focused on the wall. It almost seemed as if she was staring right through her.

"Does everyone know?" Juliet croaked, her voice unstable, like she hadn't spoken in years and had forgotten how. Marian pulled the sheets up to her chin, wondering what she meant by 'everyone', and eventually assuming she meant the people at school. Marian had known for some time how school had been for Juliet, it was obvious in the way she withdrew herself from everything, but Marian had always hoped she was coping, that maybe in her room there was a hidden sanctuary keeping her going. She was so happy as a child, Marian hadn't expected that spirit to just disappear. But knowing what it had actually been doing to her filled her with such anger that it felt like she could explode, like her blood was boiling and could burst all of her veins whenever she thought about it.

"No," she answered softly, her voice echoing in the silence of the room. A few of her friends at school knew because she'd been so tearful, and obviously some of the faculty, but other than that she had no idea how much anyone else knew. The accident had been the talk of the school all week, but Marian tuned out the gossip until it all sounded like static radio so she didn't have to hear. Juliet let out a heavy sigh and Marian inched closer to her.

"I'm so sorry that I haven't been here for you," Marian began, feeling tears spring to her eyes as each word flowed shakily past her lips. Juliet could hear Marian's voice breaking, picture the tears sliding down her cheeks. A squeezing feeling spread through Juliet's chest, it was cold and painful and felt like guilt had grabbed her organs and was trying to crush them. She knew this wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for her, which hollowed her insides even more than they already were. The guilt spread so fast it felt like it would consume her, like it was about to devour her from the inside out. But Juliet had grown accustomed to that sensation a while ago, and now all she could do was sleep because she knew there was no point in wishing it away, and talking would only make it worse. Maybe the guilt over her family's hurt was the only thing keeping her alive right now.

"Stop," Juliet whispered when she heard Marian fighting more tears. "It's not your fault." Marian knew it wasn't her fault entirely, but she couldn't help but feel like her ignorance played a role. There were so many things that lead to this moment and she couldn't deny her part in any of it. She knew what was happening but chose to hope for the best rather than seek the truth. She ignored the signs, didn't talk about when stuff was moved or went missing from their bathroom. The guilt was like a hammer against her heart, hoping to break every inch until the whole thing shattered in her chest.

"From now on if you want to talk to me about anything, I'm here," she continued once she'd pulled herself together. "Even if you feel like you're bothering me, you won't be." Marian had been contemplating what to say to Juliet for days, excessively googling the best ways to support a loved one after a suicide attempt, trying to find the right thing to say. But right now she felt even more unsure than she did at the start, like her words were useless. She could have felt more confident during a class presentation.

"Thanks." Barely a whisper. Juliet wanted to confide in Marian right now with every aching fibre of her being but couldn't bring her sister to listen to what was going through her mind, how nothing felt worth it anymore and each day took a tremendous amount of energy, worst of all the taunting confusion over why one of her tormentors wanted to save her life, and the added guilt that the same person was now fighting for their life in hospital, her life having slipped away through Juliet's fingers more than once in getting her there. Maybe one day, she thought, if she makes it that far. That this moment will be the beginning of a new start where they can talk to each other. Maybe one day will come where her even her darkest thoughts won't be too tragic to voice.

Marian looked at Juliet and their eyes met briefly. Her sister's eyes were so empty, so sorrowful, and so full of pain that it broke her. She sat up a little, encouraging Juliet to move closer and rest her head on her shoulder, which eventually she did. She felt so cold, so thin, like she almost wasn't there. Her hair was tickling the side of Marians face and it smelled like strange shampoo but as soon as she closed the gap between them, resting her bandaged wrist on Marian's other shoulder, the overwhelming urge to hug her took over, and she pressed her sister so tightly against her that it began to hurt. She could feel the tears coming back again, the crushing pain in her chest that was so strong that she poured every ounce of strength she had into holding her sister against her, as tears silently crept down her cheek.

"I'm so glad you're still here," She said, kissing the top of Juliet's forehead. Juliet almost said thank you but instead just lay there absorbing the silence and the warmth of her sister's arms around her, refusing to let go. This moment was enough as it was, there was no need for any more talking. Once Marian had released her grip a little, Juliet made herself comfortable and prepared to sleep. Falling asleep was easy, she just listened to the sound of Marian's heartbeat as she tried to put the day behind her, thinking that for the first time in a long time, this could be the first night in as long as she could remember that she actually wished for another one.


	3. Chapter 3

Kent leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic chair, studying his fellow Thomas Jefferson high school students as they moved around the cafeteria. It felt like the entire world had changed since the accident outside his house a week and a half ago, when the (unrequited) love of his life, Sam was hit on the road and now lay in critical condition in Ridgeview city hospital. He watched everyone go about their daily business, tapping his shoe on the sticky linoleum floor and reflecting back on that confusing day, when she had called him out to pick her up promising secrets and then kissed him, but later jumped in front of a van. He still had no idea what to think, his mind had been reeling non-stop ever since, plucking theories together in the place of answers, constant turmoil over whether he'll ever get answers at all. Then, out of the corner of his eye something caught his attention. A person drifting in-between the crowds, a sliver of pale blonde hair. Just the person he had been looking for.

Juliet Sykes had been friendless since the fifth grade, when a rumour ruined her reputation and then several more kept her lonely throughout high school. Kent had never really bought into them, he knew better than to believe nasty high school gossip. The two were never friends, despite holding similar places on the social ladder, but he did feel sorry for her, watching her get pranked and picked on and heckled in the hallway just for being there. But she was involved somehow, she was there that night at the heart of the accident, Sam had pushed her out of the road and Kent needed to know why. Why they were both out in the middle of the road that night.

"Juliet," he called her name as she shuffled past the table he was sat at, it was on the very outskirts of the senior section and he was the only one seated there. Juliet was heading for the door out to the parking lot. She ignored him, clearly assuming it was someone else ready to hurl abuse at her. "Hey, Juliet."

This time she turned around, looking slightly startled. Kent met her eyes and shot her a smile to let her know it was he who called her, which made her eyes less wide and her face soften a little. That night in the ambulance, with Sam's blood all over both of their hands they had formed a strange, uncomfortable connection. They were the only people who knew exactly what had happened in that ambulance, the only people in this school who shared that horrific memory.

"Do you want to come and have lunch with me?" he asked her. Today was her first day back at school since the accident and he'd already heard an array of stories and misconceptions surrounding the event, no doubt started by Lindsay, all of them laying some form of blame for the accident on Juliet, which Kent saw to be untrue. She hadn't made Sam go after her, if anything she was trying to stop Sam following her from what he saw. Sam pushed her out of a cars way, what happened afterwards was an accident, even though Kent couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more to it. The untruths being spread around the school and how they were must have been effecting Juliet angered him, and he felt compelled to make sure she was okay.

"I don't see why not," She muttered to herself before slinging her backpack off and taking the seat next to Kent.

"So where were you last week? I was looking for you," He asked her. She immediately stiffened.

"Um, I don't want to talk about that," She replied tentatively, drawing her eyes away from him and putting up the protective curtain of hair she was known for. Kent mentally kicked himself, realising that she had probably felt guilty about Sam being in hospital and skipped because of it.

"Oh, right. Sorry. I'm an idiot," He sighed, dragging one hand over his face.

"No you're not," Came Juliet's voice from behind the curtain of white-blonde hair, which she eventually tucked behind her ears.

"Um, thanks I guess," Kent muttered, flashing her a small smile. "So, how's the wrist?"

"Hurts," Replied Juliet instantaneously, looking at the bandage poking out from the sleeve of her baggy blue flannel shirt. She had landed on it when Sam pushed her out of the road, spraining it. It was about the only detail of her part in the accident Kent was certain about.

"I'm sorry." He said immediately, not quite thinking.

"You shouldn't be sorry, it wasn't your fault," Juliet dismissed him, her voice sounding flat and bored. "I barely even notice it anyway."

"Oh, ok," Kent mused aloud, wondering then why she had claimed it had hurt in the first place. He caught some students glaring in their direction at a faraway table, and then remembered all the rumours that had gone round today, his thoughts returning to how Juliet must be feeling. "Now seriously, how are you?"

"Same as yesterday," She responded, completely devoid of any sense of emotion.

"And that is?" Kent prompted. Such a vague answer didn't ease his concerns.

"The same as last week," She sighed, like she was quickly growing fed up with this conversation. "Kent, is there a reason you invited me over here?"

"You looked like you could use some company," He answered genuinely, silently reeling from shock over the abruptness of her question.

"I'm used to being on my own," She mumbled in response. Kent shook his head.

"Being used to something doesn't mean being happy about it," he insisted, reminding himself to be patient with her, it must take a while for her to let down all the walls she's built around other people. "And plus I've heard what they've been saying and I think you could use a friend."

"They're right," She sighed, both the dejected tone and the look on her face told Kent that she firmly believed that.

"No, they aren't," he argued. "They just need someone to blame because they can't comprehend that their friend actually did something good. They don't understand that kind of thing." That caught her attention, and brought a small, sad smile to her lips.

"And do you understand?" She questioned. Kent knew that she wanted to know if he knew why Sam had pushed her that night.

"Not yet, but I hope to," He answered honestly. Juliet ran her good hand down her face.

"Oh, so that's why I'm here," She stated, sounding almost bothered, but not quite, like she didn't actually care.

"Partly," Kent stammered in his defence, hoping it would repair the moment. "But I meant what I said about you needing a friend." Juliet just sighed.

"Well I can't tell you anything, I'm just as confused as you are," She explained, finally looking at Kent. He could see the tiny specks of grey in her eyes, like ice, and how sorrowful they appeared. He could see nothing but hopelessness brimming in them. He felt like he was on the verge of discovering the answers he needed, that they were there somehow, in Juliet's eyes. "I don't even know why she bothered," she continued, this admission shocking Kent.

"I still wish she hadn't," Juliet whispered to herself after breaking free from Kent's stare. But Kent was a good lip reader, and it suddenly dawned on him that he had his answer. Everyone knew she was unhappy but Kent never thought it was that bad. Sam must have had the same shocking realisation he was having now, only she learned about it in time to do something about it. Juliet was still staring at a spot on the table, her eyes focused on it like she might burn through it. Kent noticed the small drops of water building up in the corners of her eyes, he suddenly felt an overwhelming surge of protectiveness towards her.

"Well she obviously thought you were worth it," Kent reassured her, reaching out to place a comforting hand over her shirt clad arm. A heavy sigh came from behind the curtain of hair that was now obscuring her face again.

"That's the most confusing part of all," Juliet replied, her words so despondent that they cracked Kent's heart. How could someone be so confused about their own worth. "She- she said she was sorry," Juliet mumbled, sounding increasingly more confused as every word came out of her mouth, like they made absolutely no sense. But to Kent they did, and despite what he knew now he was even more confused by Sam than he was on the day it happened.

"Everything about her that day was confusing," he added, attempting to steer the conversation in a less miserable direction. "Before she got to the party she kissed me. She'd been really mysterious and unusual all day and then she called me to pick her up and she kissed me. I still have no idea why she did," He explained, seeming like he was talking more to himself by the way he stared off into space as he spoke. When he looked up he noticed Juliet giving him a strange look, like she wasn't sure exactly how to process the information he had just given her, but her eyes started to look a little less empty, and Kent swore for a second he caught a flicker of amusement in them.

"I went to see her the other day," He blurted out after a few moments of silence had passed between them under the roar of cafeteria background noise. Juliet's face seemed to drop, her gaze dropping down to the table, an obvious sign she felt guilty.

"And?" she said, the timidity and guilt in her voice making her barely audible. Kent could feel her start to shrink away, readying herself for more guilt.

"She's looking better, it's still not good though," he began explaining, his eyes softening as he reflected on his time staring at Sam's bruised, unconscious body, hooked up to machines. Thinking even more about her heart stopping in that ambulance, the sound her body made when it collided with the road. "You know for a moment I really thought we'd lose her, we nearly did." His voice started to break, and one tear snuck its way down his cheek.

"Kent?" Juliet murmured when she noticed the small droplet of water racing down his face. Kent sniffed loudly and wiped it away with his sleeve.

"I'm fine," he stuttered. "Damnit. I kinda promised myself not to do that," He cursed, trying to forget the moment had happened, grimacing slightly.

"Yeah crying in school sucks," Juliet added, sending Kent an empathetic glance. "I gave up on it a long time ago," She explained with a sad, reflective sigh. Kent could see the pain reflected in her wide blue eyes. They told stories of a tortured girl who shed so many tears in lonely corners of the school that she eventually had none left, of a girl who had learned not to respond to the pain because it was her constant reality.

"You shouldn't have given up on yourself though," Kent responded, his voice soft with sympathy for the broken soul in front of him, his heart urging him to help. Kent was so desperate to be a hero and maybe this could be how, by looking after Juliet and continuing what Sam had barely had the time to start.

"That's easy for you to say, you were the big hero," Juliet dismissed Kent's positivity again, looking away from him and staring at the table. _Hero,_ there's that word again. "Every day I feel like I should be in her place."

"No," Kent argued immediately, his more patient side telling him not to become frustrated with Juliet. "She chose to do what she did because she didn't want you to be in her place, or worse. Screw anyone who says otherwise," He exclaimed, his pulse quickening from the fierce defence in his words. He let out one huff of breath, not used to getting so fired up during lunchtime conversations.

Juliet slowly tilted her head up, blinking in surprise as she studied Kent. She knew him to be a nice enough person, but before the accident they hadn't said two words to each other. How come he was suddenly so willing to jump to her defence? It all felt so confusing, so overwhelming, so she just stared at him in disbelief, lips parted, blinking to try and process the moment and make sure it was really happening, to try and understand what was happening.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked, hoping it came out sounding more confused than rude. The sad gleam in Kent's eyes told her that it had.

"Because someone should. And I think Sam might have finally realised that too," He answered immediately, his face serious and his voice soft, genuine. He paused as he watched a small smile creep its way onto Juliet's face. "Plus I still mean it about the whole being your friend thing."

"I don't know if I'll be that great a friend to have, it might be more trouble than I'm worth," Sighed Juliet, running one hand through her hair before resting her chin on it.

"That's for me to decide," Kent declared. "And besides I don't care what these people think or say about you. Only we know what really happened the night of the accident, the others don't even know what they're talking about."

"Um, thanks," Juliet muttered, before a small and comfortable silence fell between them. Kent noticed Juliet staring blankly at her lunch as he ate his. She had pulled out a sandwich, apple, packet of chips and a chocolate bar from a brown paper bag when she sat down but hadn't touched any of it.

"Aren't you going to eat that?" he wondered aloud, alarms that she might not be eating ringing in the back of his mind, especially with her being so thin. He wondered if there was anything he could do about it.

"I can't really eat in here, I lose my appetite," Juliet explained meekly, lifting the apple a few inches off the table with her good hand before dropping it back down.

"You should eat something," Kent suggested, knowing that he could not force her, but knowing he would feel much happier if he watched her eat something.

"I'll be fine," She dismissed him, making eye contact.

"Please, just one bite of that apple," He urged her. She shot him a look before taking a small bite from the apple, watching him relax as she chewed. The apple tasted good, and recently Juliet thought she could barely taste food anymore because she took no pleasure in eating and only ate because she had to, but this felt different, so she took another bite. Kent watched in silence, scarfing down his own lunch as Juliet slowly ate half of the apple and then shoved the rest of the food back into the brown bag.

"So where do you usually eat?" Kent asked, wiping his mouth after swallowing the last of his sandwich.

"Outside," Juliet answered quietly, staring at the bumpy outlines of the bite marks in her apple. Kent stared pensively out of the window, wondering what it must be like to eat your lunch alone in the freezing cold, if Juliet even ate her lunch at all, if she instead just found somewhere outside to stay and stare up at the sky.

"We have last period together don't we?" asked Kent after a few moments, glancing at the huge clock on the cafeteria wall.

"Yeah," Juliet confirmed. Kent smiled.

"I can walk you out afterwards if you want," He suggested, grabbing his backpack off the floor as he prepared for the bell to wring any second.

"Its fine, I have to wait for my sister, but you can on the nights she has swim meets," Juliet explained.

"Good, I don't think you should be alone while people are being jerks," Kent declared, rising out of his chair.

"Trust me, I'm used to it," She replied, standing up too.

"That's so sad," Kent responded. "You shouldn't have to get used to abuse from other students."

"Well, there's not much I can do about it," she countered, her voice retaining a familiar tone of defeat. "But I really appreciate your offering." As soon as the words left her mouth the bell rang. They moved with the crowds out into the hall.

"I'll see you later," Kent called behind him as they separated and prepared to head to their respective classes.

"Yeah," Juliet replied, thinking of how all the ways she'd expected today to go, this was not what she anticipated.


	4. Chapter 4

The cafeteria was busy, and Juliet couldn't shake the desperate feeling of wanting to claw her own skin off while she sat waiting for Kent, who still wasn't here. The lonely table on the outskirts of the senior section had now become theirs in the three days Juliet had come back to school after the accident, where he helped her ignore everyone else. Usually she wouldn't have felt so uncomfortable because Kent would be sat there with her, but since he was clearly running late there was nothing to protect her from the roaming and scrutinizing eyes of their classmates, the whispers. The looming atmosphere of people staring that dug under her skin and stayed there. She stared down at the table like she was wishing it would suck her underneath it and down through the floor, bunching the sleeve of her sweater in her tightly clenched fist.

"Hey," Came a familiar voice from behind her as Kent pulled out the next chair and settled into it. His presence startled her and she jolted upright, hitting her back on the chair as her hair fell into her eyes.

"Oh, there you are," She breathed, giving no indication of being startled.

"Sorry I'm late, I dropped all my stuff coming out of chem," Kent explained, grimacing at his own clumsiness. "I've barely been able to think straight all day," He grinned. The news had gotten round that Sam was successfully brought out of her coma last night with no permanent brain damage. Kent was elated, and had texted the news to Juliet as soon as he'd heard.

"I'm just so happy she's woken up," He beamed, still trying to organise his papers and books and shove them back in his bag without crumpling them. Juliet watched him intently, focusing on the light in his eyes. "I'm thinking about what I'm going to say to her when I go and visit."

"When are you going to visit?" asked Juliet, who had begun absentmindedly fiddling with a fraying hem on her sweater sleeve.

"Tomorrow I think, I figured her friends would be going today," Explained Kent, glancing quickly over to the table on the other side of the senior section where Lindsay, Elody and Ally sat. Juliet shot him an understanding glance.

"So what about you? How was your weekend?" Kent asked, moving off the subject from Sam for Juliet, despite the fact that he could probably talk about her all lunch.

"Uneventful," She answered flatly.

"Why?" asked Kent, hoping that she must have done something. "You couldn't have done nothing all weekend." Juliet laughed mentally at Kent's naivety, knowing that she could, and had spent many weekends doing exactly nothing.

"I spent most of the weekend sleeping or watching TV with my sister," She explained, sounding rather bored. As weekends went it wasn't actually that bad, she'd been to see her therapist Saturday morning, although she wasn't going to tell Kent that. But when she got back Marian made her hot chocolate and they sat and watched TV together under an old blanket while their parents were out shopping. It was the best weekend she'd had in a very long while. Not that it felt like it, she thought, also telling herself that it had probably been incredibly boring in comparison to Kent's.

"See, you did something," Kent said cheerily, pulling a notebook out of his bag and dropping it on the table.

"Yeah, but my sister watches some awful TV shows," Complained Juliet, but only half-heartedly. Kent started chuckling, and even Juliet felt like she could laugh right now, if she really wanted to. It didn't seem impossible. Instead she just smiled at Kent, who had now flipped open his notebook, revealing glimpses of the detailed cartoons inked into the pages. Juliet leaned closer to get a better look.

"Hey, that's really good," She said, glimpsing at one of the drawings in Kent's notebook.

"Thanks." He said, grinning and pushing the notebook towards Juliet so she could get a better look. "Do you draw?"

"I used to, all the time," She answered with a reflective, sentimental sigh.

"What happened?" he asked tentatively, wondering immediately if he'd overstepped the mark. Juliet shot him a sad look, but answered the question, assuring Kent that this conversation topic was within her invisible boundaries.

"I lost the motivation." She explained, her voice dropping back into that flat, tired tone. "I dont really do anything I used to enjoy anymore."

"What sort of things did you used to like?" Kent wondered, curious to see how many hobbies they'd shared.

"Creative stuff," Juliet answered immediately. "Drawing, painting, sewing. I even used to like gardening."

"Well you can't grow much in this weather," Kent said, a uniquely amused tone to his voice, like he was a natural entertainer. But then the smile on his face drooped and the lines of his face became more serious as he looked right at her. "But do you think it might be time to give your old hobbies another try?" Kent suggested, causing Juliet to look away quickly before slowly meeting his eyes again, like a shy animal testing its trust of a human wanting to pet it.

"Maybe," She mumbled. "My therapist did advise me to try picking up hobbies again." Her cheeks reddening, wondering immediately whether she shouldn't have said anything about her therapist at all.

"There you go then," Kent said, like that made it final. Juliet studied Kent for a moment while she considered opening up to him. He would be the most understanding of anyone at school besides the staff, and he had offered to help her. She sucked in a quick breath.

"I just can't find the energy to do it," She confessed, her voice slow and heavy with disappointment and the tiniest hint of something else. "These pills were supposed to give me my energy back but so far they haven't. I mean, I know they said they'd take a few weeks to kick in but I'm just so tired of this," She explained to Kent, her voice sounding exhausted and tapering off into a sigh at the end. Kent offered her a sympathetic smile once she'd run her good hand over her face.

"If they say they take a while then you just have to be patient. You're strong enough to wait until then. Don't give up until that time has passed," Kent reassured her, leaning in closer so he could speak more quietly. He reached out and put one hand over her un-sprained wrist, circling the dainty bone with his fingers. "Just get yourself through each day one at a time, they'll start working before you know it."

"Thanks," She said, so quietly it was almost a whisper, observing the kindness to his face. He made her wish more good people existed.

"And as for your hobbies I'll get you motivated. We have enough of them in common," He continued once the emotion had lest the atmosphere and he was no longer touching Juliet's tiny wrist. Wheels turning behind his eyes as he thought of ways he could help her. "How about we go somewhere after school and draw?" he suggested. She immediately looked nervous.

"Maybe," she said unsurely, her eyes glancing down at her hands on the table. "But I'd have to let my parents know and my sister know and-"

"Fine by me," Kent cut off her whittling. "I'm sure they'll be happy you're doing something."

"But I don't have any supplies," She continued, now making it apparent to Kent that she was trying to find any way she could not to go. He knew it wasn't personal, thinking that after being so reclusive for so long this must seem quite daunting to her. He hoped that he could ease her out of that fear.

"Use mine," He suggested with a smile. Juliet sighed, tucking her hair behind her ears before facing him. The look on her face confirmed Kent's suspicions. She was looking at him the way she did when she wanted to talk about something but didn't know how, when her eyes went dull and the corners of her thin mouth sagged downwards and it felt as if her entire body sagged with it. He could see everything she wanted to say in her eyes; that she was full of sadness and self-doubt and had so long forgotten how it felt to be out in the world that she didn't think she knew how to do it anymore. But he knew that wasn't what she would say.

"But it's been so long," Was what she did say, her voice like a heavily condensed rain cloud ready to burst. Once again it pained Kent to see so much melancholy in just one person.

"Even if you only draw stick figures, it'll still be something," He reassured her.

"Ok," She conceded. "But if I don't have the energy later I'm going straight home."

"That's fine. If you're not up to it then I can't make you, but I hope you will be," Kent replied cheerfully, finally getting up to buy his lunch. In the few short minutes Kent was away, Juliet sat thinking to herself. She wondered whether this would be a terrible idea, or would it be the one that might make her feel human again. She saw no reason why it wouldn't. But still she was so hesitant, so reluctant to break from the comfortable cycle of shutting herself away from the world once she was no longer obligated to be in it. She shook her head, reminding herself that this cycle was what was making her feel empty inside, that she needed to start living. Maybe then she would feel less like she didn't want to. She dug her lunch out of its crumpled paper bag and stared at it, then her attention was side tracked as Kent re-joined her at the table.

"Is your appetite coming back at all?" he asked, looking at the food splayed out on the table in front of her.

"A little bit. Being in here doesn't make my lunch inedible anymore," She explained, taking a meagre bite from her sandwich.

"That's good," Kent responded, taking a large bite of his own.

"And I suppose now that Sam's awake I feel less guilty about the accident," Juliet speculated, the mention of her name turning Kent's head.

"That's great, and I'm sure she'll tell everyone it wasn't your fault too," He exclaimed, causing Juliet to shoot him a disbelieving look.

"You think?" she questioned sceptically, her eyes cast down in uncertainty.

"I know," Kent claimed confidently. Juliet sighed.

"You can't know that," She replied bluntly.

"Fine, then I have a pretty big hunch," Kent altered his statement before looking pensively at his sandwich. "But only time will tell."

"Do you think much about what she's going to say?" asked Juliet after a few moments of silence, looking slowly over at Kent as he shovelled in the rest of his sandwich, a stray lettuce strand sneaking out of the bottom ready to leap onto the surface of the table at any second.

"Only every second of every day," He replied after swallowing his last mouthful, wiping crumbs from the corner of his mouth. "I really want to know what was going through her head, you know. She was acting so weird."

"I'm not sure I want to know what she'll say," Added Juliet, biting her lip with uncertainty.

"I'll tell you if she says anything about you," Kent told her, watching her striking blue eyes cloud with anxiety.

"Ok," She mumbled, flashing Kent a nervous smile to let him think she was okay. He could clearly tell that she still wasn't.

"Hey, at least we'll have answers," He continued, in a much softer tone. Juliet mentally chided herself for being so reluctant to accept his help, knowing that he was probably the one trustworthy person in this school and reminding herself how much he'd done for her, which only made her feel guilty.

"Yeah, that's one thing, I suppose," She mused before turning back to her lunch, and Kent soon did the same. They spent the rest of lunch talking little, Juliet picking at her lunch and Kent trying to subtly observe if she'd eaten more that last week. When they had both eaten as much as they were going to, they arranged a place to meet after school and set off to their respective classes.

Once the bell had sounded the end of the school day Juliet and Kent met outside the doors to the main entrance, where Juliet explained that they would be giving Marian a ride home before they went anywhere. Kent and Marian studied each other attentively before the three of them moved, Kent putting the pieces of the few fragmented bits of information Juliet had given him about Marian together. And Marian scrutinising the first friend her sister had had in years, the person who would be taking her out of the house this afternoon, to make sure he was trustworthy so she didn't have to launch into protective sister mode.

They both drove their own cars to Juliet's house, where she parked her car and left her sister at home before getting into Kent's car. It was quite a relief spending time with someone who wasn't her family, it felt like she finally had room to breathe. Since she'd been back home after the accident there was always someone with her, her sister had even been sleeping in her room at nights. The only alone time she got was when she went to the bathroom or showered, and even then there was always someone coincidentally stood out on the landing when she exited. Marian needing the bathroom or her mother collecting laundry. As nice as the sentiment was it felt like they were suffocating her, so spending time with someone who wasn't them felt like a rush of fresh air.

Ridgeview, being a small town mostly full of wealthy suburbs, had only one public park. It was verging on the edge of town and was fairly small as parks go, but the far end was made up of forest trails and the path around it made for a very picturesque walk. Once Kent had parked his car, he and Juliet got out and started their search for a place to settle and a view to draw. The air was cold, and Kent shoved both his hands in his pockets and wished he'd brought a scarf. Juliet didn't seem particularly bothered by the chill in the air.

"So where should we go?" wondered Kent as they started the path that would take them around the park.

"Woods?" suggested Juliet. Kent screwed up his nose.

"I don't know, we might look weird," He explained.

"Weird how?" wondered Juliet, now looking at Kent slightly confused.

"Well, what if joggers or trail walkers think we're perving on them or something," He speculated, only half concerned by this random thought. The other half didn't want to go to the woods for much more mundane reasons, like the recent rain wetting the trails and the mud ruining his shoes, but that sounded much less amusing.

"How did you come to that conclusion?" Juliet asked, raising her eyebrows at him. He thought for a second he saw her look amused, and if his eyes weren't deceiving him then he'd achieved his goal.

"What would you think if you were jogging up one of the trails and saw some stranger sitting on the ground, it would look a little suspicious," He explained, remembering one time when this had actually happened last summer.

"You'd have a sketchbook, I'd know what you were doing," Reasoned Juliet. "Unless creep sketching has become a new trend recently, I wouldn't know, I don't exactly get out much."

"Well it hasn't," Kent laughed, not expecting the humour laced in her words. "Or at least I think it hasn't. I don't get out much either," he finished, grimacing comically.

"Maybe we could do a woods sketch next time, if you feel like doing this again," he began. "We could go to my…" stopping himself abruptly before he realised he was inviting her back to the place where she had tried to kill herself. "Stupid suggestion, sorry."

"It's fine," She replied automatically, sounding like she was bored of others watching their words around her. "And maybe it might be a good idea, the woods around your house seem nice to draw." The fact she wasn't bothered made Kent relax.

"But back to the topic of where we're going to go now," She added, steering the conversation back to where it needed to be.

"Oh yeah, right," He responded, somewhat clumsily.

"I don't want to go near the park," Juliet said blankly. Kent turned to look at her for explanation. She continued. "I don't want any of the kids asking to look or any of those annoyingly happy moms watching us and staring."

"Interesting reasoning, but okay then," He replied, wondering what thoughts drove her to be so desperate to avoid happy faces. Maybe they were too painful a reminder of everything she wasn't.

"How about the pond?" Juliet suggested, breaking Kent away from his thoughts.

"Sounds like a good idea," he mused. "But if I get attacked by geese I'm blaming you." Juliet once more turned to face him, eyebrows raised.

"It happened when I was six," Kent explained. Juliet laughed.

"Can't say I've ever had the pleasure, although my sister did get chased by a duck once because she didn't want to give it her bread," She said. "Hey, how about that picnic bench right there overlooking the pond?" she pointed straight ahead of them to a lone picnic bench that sat just close enough to the pond that they would get a good view, but far enough away that they wouldn't be bothered by any birds.

"Looks perfect," Kent exclaimed, and then they made their way over to it and set up. They both sat on the table of the bench, Kent slinging his messenger bag behind him and digging out two notebooks, handing one to Juliet. She opened it to a blank page and settled it on her thighs, leaning her bandaged wrist over the top of the page to keep it in place.

"Nice collection," She said when Kent pulled a large pencil case and placed it between them, unzipping it to reveal that it was practically bursting at the seams with finely sharpened pencils of various different grades and lengths.

"Well when you draw cartoons for the school newspaper you've got to keep your supplies well stocked," He explained, evidently pleased with his impressive collection.

"I see," Replied Juliet as she grabbed a pencil from inside the case. Kent soon selected one of his own to use.

"Ideally, what would you be using right now if we didn't have only sketching and shading pencils?" asked Kent, curious. Juliet bit her bottom lip as she considered his question, taking a look at the landscape in front of them before answering.

"For this, watercolours," She answered, thinking about how all the different shades of green would blend together perfectly with the wateriness of the paint. She smiled to herself, releasing that even if it was only in that moment, she was once more beginning to think in colour.

"Good choice," Kent approved, before flexing his fingers and getting his pencil ready. "Shall we start?" Juliet nodded.

Both pressed their pencils against their notebooks and begun, completely forgetting the world around them as they started sketching the outline of the pond in front of them. The sounds in the air bypassed their ears completely, drifting straight over their heads like feathers as concentration took them over. After a few minutes had passed Kent snuck a quick glance over his shoulder to see how Juliet was getting on, and was struck by how delicate and defined her sketch was, especially after having been inactive for a while. She'd contoured the slopes of the grass so subtly, whereas Kent's cartoonish style lead him towards highlighting them, and her pond, although only an outline at this point, seemed so fine that it could have actually been water. Kent looked away before she noticed him staring, and before he'd even realised his mouth was open a question came out.

"So when was it you stopped drawing? If you don't mind me asking," He said, stumbling over the last words as Juliet stopped drawing and turned to look at him. Kent almost expected her to tell him that she didn't want to answer him. That his question dove just over the line of things she wasn't willing to talk about. But instead two words came out so quietly, so suddenly that Kent almost missed them.

"Sophomore year," She answered, looking away so she didn't have to watch Kent's face. Without even looking at him she continued, taking a deep breath before she did. "That's the year everything-"

"Oh. Right," Kent cut her off, knowing that she didn't need any more words for him to understand what she meant. He tried to think what she would have said, that was the year everything got bad or the year everything went to shit or the year everything no longer had meaning. It only just hit him then how long ago sophomore year actually was, how much had happened since then.

"It was the end of sophomore year," Juliet continued, turning back towards Kent and sucking in another breath. "I just wasn't enjoying it anymore so I didn't see the point, I tried, you know, but I just ended up getting frustrated. Now I only really do art for class." She almost couldn't bare the sympathy in his eyes, the way he watched her, agonising over something he couldn't change. She remembered the very start of it, how that summer felt _different._ How vacation no longer felt like a solace and thinking she'd been kidding herself for ever thinking it was because things always got bad again whenever she went back, and she had to go back. How she spent less time outside and more time on the laptop her parents had got her for Christmas, and she stopped drawing because she couldn't concentrate, stopped gardening because flowers only die anyway so what was the point. She sometimes wished she could go back to that point.

"Are you enjoying it now?" Kent wondered, clueless to her reflection of when the emptiness first took her over, when she still thought she could come back from it. His words snapped her back to the present, where there was now a seeping ache in her chest.

"I would be if I could get this damn outline right," She responded, looking at one lopsided corner that she'd drawn over a few times but was still unsatisfied with.

"Let me see," said Kent, leaning over to look at her sketch more closely than he had a few minutes ago. "It's fine." Juliet shot Kent a disbelieving glare. Kent shook his head.

"If you don't like it just add in some reeds where you think the outline looks bad," He explained, pointing to where he thought she should draw them.

"Thanks," She replied, before they both turned back to their work.

As she added the reeds along the outline of her pond Juliet began to think a lot about Kent's helpfulness. How given the situation they were thrown together in, he could have ended up hating her, blaming her for the entire thing but instead he'd chosen to help her. How he was so eager to help her recover, ready to defend her from anyone at school. He always seemed so positive, like nothing in the world could touch him, despite the fact that Juliet was sure he didn't have very many, if any friends at school himself. She wondered if it was hard for him not to be swept up by the same force that swallowed her or not, because he made it look like being happy was effortless.

"Kent, how do you do it?" she barely even realised the words had left her thoughts through her mouth.

"Do what?" Kent asked, turning away from his sketch intrigued by the unexpected question.

"Be so happy all the time," Juliet asked him, a heart-breaking emptiness in the tone of her voice, like she was on the verge of tears. She looked at Kent wide eyed, and he saw the vulnerability hiding beneath the desolation, the desperate cry of their shine. "School can't be too great for you either. How do you stay so positive? How did you not let it break you?"

"First of all, you're not broken-" Kent responded immediately. Juliet changed then, she still looked sad and desperate but now there was more. A growing sense of disbelief, so strong it almost felt like anger.

"Are you sure about that, I tried to-" she choked, stopping herself like she didn't know if she could say the words out loud. She squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that one tear leaked through and clung to her eyelashes, balling her good hand into a fist, the other gripped the edge of the notebook so tightly it looked as if her knuckles would break through her skin.

Kent let her have her moment, allowing time for her to calm down as her emotions surged. It only took a few seconds, but when she turned back to him she looked even more hopeless than before. She took a deep, steadying breath. "It can't get worse than that. How can you know and still think that."

"Because you're still here. Which brings me to my second point," Kent tried, his voice gentle but strong. "You and I have had very different experiences. So what, a few people look at me a little weird and call me names because they don't understand my awesome style," He explained, extending one arm and studying his attire for dramatic flair, before quickly turning serious again. "That's nothing compared to what you've been through and to be dealing with what you have for as long as you have. I think that makes you pretty brave." Kent watched as a small smile cracked on Juliet's face as she wiped one tear from her cheek.

"Well could you tell that to my brain, because it seriously disagrees with you," She replied, almost sarcastically, but Kent could detect the underlying frustration in her words.

"That's just the-" he began, but Juliet cut him off.

"I know," she said abruptly, like she didn't want him to say the word aloud. Depression really was a hideous disease. "I'm working on it, remember."

"How's that going?" Kent asked sincerely.

"Okay," Juliet replied firmly, even though she still felt like she was completely out of control and probably not as good as should be. She figured okay was about all she was going to get.

"You know, if you want to talk to me, about anything at all I'm here. I won't judge," Kent assured her.

"Thanks, but I think I've talked about it enough in the past few weeks that I just want to stop," She explained, her voice returning to that blank, bored zone Kent had become rather familiar with.

"Ok so what do you want to talk about?" he enquired, tapping the end of his pencil against the corner of his notebook.

"Anything but myself," Juliet sighed.

"Fine ask me questions," Kent suggested enthusiastically. "What do you want to know about me?" Juliet bit her lip as she thought of something.

They passed the next fifteen minutes with questions, Kent having to answer Juliet's enquiries about his personality. In that time she'd learned that he listened to near enough all genres of music, but the older stuff was his favourite. That he loved to read and that his bedroom might as well be a library, which ended up with him even suggesting books to Juliet if she was feeling the need to drift from reality for a while. She explained that she was a rather slow reader and might have read more but could never dedicate energy to sitting down and reading, to which Kent replied that with her medication bringing her energy back soon that wouldn't be a problem, adding that he would bring one for her to school tomorrow. She also found out that they had a shared love of animals but Kent was rather wary around birds, and that he enjoyed crosswords and vintage video games.

"Kent, now I have a serious question," Juliet said, bringing Kent's attention rolling forward.

"Ok. Shoot," He replied, wondering what she could be about to say.

"What are you hoping to get out of tomorrow?" she asked, her face taking a look of slight concern, like she was worried for him. Kent felt the air around him go quiet as he considered his answer, his heart starting to beat faster in his chest.

"What do you mean?" he said, hoping she would be more specific.

"When you see her," Juliet explained, looking down at the sketch in her lap. "I don't want you going in with too high expectations." Kent understood what she meant. She didn't want him going in there thinking of the kisses they'd shared on the day of the accident and end up leaving with his heart broken. He took a breath.

"Answers. That's what I want from tomorrow," He told her, even though they both knew that wasn't all. But it was most of it, it was the only thing Kent cared about walking out of that hospital room with. The rest could wait.

"Ok," Said Juliet quietly, accepting that maybe he wasn't quite telling the truth, but knowing it was good enough for her.

"Now we should probably hurry up and finish these so I can take you home," Kent suggested, but Juliet shook her head.

"I think I like mine just fine," She said, looking down at the sketch in front of her. It was thin lined, and delicate, like a watered down version of the view in front of them, but the details were there. The reeds, some ripples in the water that weren't quite finished but that only added to their quality, squiggles sitting at the edge of the pond in the shape of ducks. Kent agreed, it was already good enough to stop.

"Ok, I'll get you home now then," He said, and then they packed up and left the park. Their drive home was silent and the sun was just beginning to set over Ridgeview, painting the sky a brilliant pink as it clashed with the daylight. Kent pulled up outside Juliet's house, stopping his car in front of the lawn rather than moving up onto the driveway. He found the notebook she'd been using and tore out the page with her sketch on, giving it to her before she opened the door.

"Thank you, I think I needed this afternoon," She said, leaning against the open car door.

"Any time," Kent replied, before Juliet shut the door and headed up to her house, listening to his car as he drove away. She stepped inside the front door with a strange feeling, a lightness in her chest that if it wasn't surrounded by dark clouds looming at the edges, she could swear it almost felt like happiness.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: This is the start of the first person pov chapters**

I'd gotten very excited when my nurse told me I was having a visitor, at first thinking it might be my parents but I then remembered that my dad would still be at work and they agreed they'd all come together, so they wouldn't be here until this evening. I thought then it might be the girls coming back again or another group from school, but the face I caught sight of through the small sliver of glass next to my door made me feel so happy that I was worried my heart would beat so hard it would burst out of my chest.

I tried to calm the butterflies in my already painful stomach as he opened the door, still unsure how ready I actually was for this moment, even after running it over in my mind over and over for the past two days. I felt the breath get sucked from me once he'd walked in the room and I'm so overwhelmed with happiness that I don't even care if he heard me gasp as he walked in. how could I care about anything but the person standing in front of me, his soft beaming smile aiming right at me and his adorably messy hair. Kent McFuller.

"Hey, you got room for one more in here?" he says motioning around the room that's clearly empty apart from the two of us, announcing his entrance. I find myself chuckling immediately despite how much my body hurts. He's wearing a bashful kind of awkwardness that's completely new to me, but I still find it irresistibly charming. I'm smiling so wide that it's hurting my face.

"I think we can manage," I continue the joke, hoping I don't sound like I'm short of breath. "Hey Kent."

"I brought you these," he replies, waving a large bunch of flowers at me, dipping them at an angle so I can see over the wrapping encasing them. They were a gorgeous mixture of deep purple, bright pink and white. My mouth fell open without me even realising. "I was going to go with grapes but I didn't know if you liked them so you got these instead," He continued to explain somewhat awkwardly, tapping one foot on the floor. I wondered why he was so nervous, but that thought was shoved to the back of my mind by my heart, which was beating like a hummingbirds wings over the flowers he'd bought me.

"They're beautiful," I beam. "Sit down."

"Okay," he says, and walks over to the one chair in the room to the left of my bedside. It's small and square with ugly beige fabric, and I hope for the sake of my friends and family that it's more comfortable than it looks. He sits down, clasping his hands together over one knee as he leans in the chair to face me. I can't move very much beside my head and even that ends up being quite painful if I stretch it too far so he does most of the moving until we're looking right at each other. I feel like electricity hits my chest as our eyes meet.

"So um," he begins, his eyebrows knotting together has he considers what to say. "How are you doing?"

"Well I'm alive," I reply, trying to sound more enthusiastic than shocked. A shock I'm still not sure I've fully recovered from. I never expected I'd be able to see his face again, be able to hear his voice again. I feel myself getting too excited and the painful reality of my condition pulls me back into focus. "And everything kinda hurts," I say with a wince. "But hopefully I'll be able to go home soon. They said I got lucky." I'd gotten really lucky, I still don't know how.

"Good," Kent says, pushing a little bit of hair out of his eyes.

"They also said I might have to have crutches or a wheelchair for a little while though, depending on how well I can walk, but they've only tried measuring it once," I continue explaining what I've learned about my injuries since coming round, but only the basics. I don't think that he really wants to hear about the muscle damage in my back or the broken leg and ribs I'm still recovering from. He just wants to know I'm okay.

"And?" he urges me, looking and sounding rather concerned.

"The wheelchair's looking likely," I tell him with a grimace. For a moment his facial expression changes, and his eyes take on a scary sense of severity but the moment is over so fast I'm not entirely sure I didn't imagine it, and he's back to being the smiling, kind faced Kent I'm used to.

"Well if you need someone to push you at all," He offers, his voice gentle. It reminds me of those nights I stayed at his house on February twelfth, when he let my cry and comforted me after I watched my friend die. It seems sad that only I experienced them, that he never got to see the moments that I really fell for him.

"Thanks," I reply, hoping he takes it as me accepting his offer. "Although it sounded like you've done enough to help me already, apparently you were the big hero," I add, remembering being touched when my parents told me how good he'd been at the hospital with them, when my friends told me how calm he'd been when they were all completely losing it.

"Well I couldn't just leave you," He says modestly. And I think then of the one other thing that's been plaguing my mind ever since I woke up.

"And Juliet," I ask tentatively, hoping desperately that she's made it this far. "How's Juliet?" Kent looks at me surprised for a second, but then something in his face shifts and it's obvious that he was expecting me to ask, it was only a matter of time. I urge for that look on his face to be from surprise rather than him knowing that he'll have to bring bad news. I really need him to tell me she's alive.

"She's fine," he says, and the heaviest weight lifts from my chest as relief flows through my aching body. "That's all you need to know."

Once that admission was over a thick silence hung in the air. We both held each other's eyes but I couldn't decipher any emotions behind them and nobody showed any signs of speaking. I wondered briefly if he thought I was staring at him because there was something strange in the atmosphere around us. The ventilated air felt like thunderclouds and I wonder if lightning would crackle between us at any moment.

"So how's life been without me?" I say, needing to break the intense silence, softening my voice playfully so it almost sounded like I was flirting. I wanted to flirt, but something about flirting in a hospital felt kind of strange, and I didn't exactly feel very sexy while hauled up in bed and covered head to toe in bruises.

"Oh you know, only me wondering how I'll ever go on and all that," Kent responded playfully, letting me know he'd understood my intentions and also stirring the butterflies that had just managed to settle in my stomach back into action again. It felt surreal almost watching him flirt back with me, it makes me think of that one repeat where he told me that he just had to kiss me, and then he did. I wish I could see that side of him more often, and I'm so glad that now I might actually have the chance to.

"Have you had many other visitors?" he asks, tucking a curl of hair behind his ear and then fiddling quickly with the sleeve of his blazer.

"My family have been up here every day and the girls came yesterday with a shit load of get well soon cards from school," I tell him, moving my eyes over to the small table on the other side of the room that hosted a plethora of get well cards of various different sizes, flanked on each side by balloons.

"Oh really, I must've missed them," Kent jokes, looking over at the table and then back to me, grinning. I'm giggling despite it hurting every cell in my body.

"I'm really glad you've come Kent," I breathe after managing to calm myself down. His face softens then, his cheeks flush slightly and his eyes avoid mine for just a second. It makes me wish he was closer.

"Well it happened outside my house after my party, I felt like I should," He explains, that familiar tone of modesty returning as he tries to sound less happy to be here than he actually is. I can tell now why he seemed so nervous, because when he entered this room his heart was skipping as much as mine. "Plus the whole getting you to the hospital thing."

"Thanks again for that, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made it if you hadn't," I say, urging him to feel proud of himself rather than modest about the whole thing. From what I'd heard he'd been amazing, and if it wasn't for him then I probably wouldn't have had the second chance that I never expected to get. He needs to know how grateful I am and how much I appreciate him.

"I did what anybody would have done, really," He replies. I sigh, there he goes again, being modest.

"No, you went beyond that," I assure him. "You did your best to make sure I was okay and gave everything in a situation where most people would've completely lost it. Don't downplay your importance here."

Kent blinks, like he can't quite believe the words that had just come out of my mouth, like he'd never heard me say anything so good about him and can barely believe his ears. He stares at me astounded for a moment. I decide then that I need to tell him how I feel.

"Kent," I say, my voice nearly breaking with the weight of what I need to tell him. "There's something I need to talk to you about."

"Of course," he replies, blinking quickly like he'd just snapped out of a trance. "What is it?" I take a deep breath to try and calm my pounding heart, and ready myself.

"You must have been very confused by some of my actions the day of the accident," I start, feeling like I'm fumbling over my words as they pass my lips. Like I can't even prepare my next sentence in my head because I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there in a world where I can't repeat the day over and over again, where he's going to remember this moment. But at the same time I've been waiting to say these words for so long, it's just now I'm actually about to say them. I've been building up to this moment for two days, it feels surreal that it's finally here. "I just wanted to explain."

"Ok, go ahead," He says quietly, slowly. His eyes wide and his expression ready for what I'm about to say. I can tell from the determined look in his eyes that he'd been waiting for this for a very long time, he's probably been kept up at night for weeks thinking over my actions on that last day and wondering what they could have meant. He's so ready for answers that I can practically feel impatience radiating off of him. Well now he doesn't have to wait any more.

"Well, in the days leading up to the accident I'd learned a lot about myself. That I hadn't been very nice to people, that I'd been taking good people around me for granted and acting like my behaviour didn't have consequences," I begin explaining, feeling emotion squeezing my chest as each word falls out. "And It all kind of hit me and made me realise that wasn't a person that I wanted to be, that I wanted to change. I'd hurt so many people, you being one of them, and I just wanted to let them know I'm sorry for how awful I've been," He's looking at me like I'm too good to be true and the intensity of this moment is almost unbearable.

"But then I realised something different, about you at least," I continue, much softer this time. My heart is already beating so fast and every breath feels so intense it's almost painful because I'm saying these words for real this time and I never expected this. I never expected to want someone so much. "I realised that you're kind and sweet, and you have this kind of positivity about you that so many more people need. I realised that you're probably the nicest, most genuine person I've ever known and that the right person for me might have been under my nose all this time but I couldn't see it because I thought popularity was important and it's not."

"Sam," He stammers, looking at me so confused. "Right person for you? What do you mean?" the words sound tentative on his lips, like he knows what I meant but is terrified of getting the answer he doesn't want. His eyes go wide and I can see how much he wants me to explain but at the same time how he knows once I do the words will be out there and I'll never be able to take them back.

"Kent come here," I say, my words barely a whisper. He gets up slowly and tentatively makes his way over. When he's at my bedside I urge him to come closer. This moment is too strong for words.

He stops when he's leaning over my chest, he looks like he's expecting me to whisper a secret in his ear but instead I catch his face in my hand and kiss him. He startles at first, but then quickly kissing me back, his lips so gentle against mine like he fears I might break if he pushes them any closer. We both pull away slowly, meeting each other's eyes as we both consider what just happened.

"I realise now that I want to be with you," I tell him, watching the bewildered expression on his face as he lets my words and the kiss sink in. " If you'll have me of course."

"Sam, of course I will," he replies, cupping the side of my face in his hand. "What would ever make you think otherwise?" he kisses me again.

"Kent," I say.

"Yes," He answers.

"I want to do this right," I start explaining. "I want to take this slowly and I'm not sure I want anyone to know just yet. Are you okay with that?"

"Of course," he replies. "For now it's our little secret." He winks at me. There are many reasons I want to keep this to myself for now. First of all I want to enjoy these moments of happiness without other people knowing about it, once other people know about things it becomes their business, and when other people touch your moment it's no longer just yours, and I'm not ready to share this with the world just yet. Secondly I want to prepare myself for when I tell the girls, so I'll spend as much time with them as I can before they know in case I don't get that chance again, I know it's a possibility but I don't care. And lastly because everything feels so new that I want to savour it, and I like it just being the two of us, it makes me excited to start living again.


	6. Chapter 6

Kent was lingering in the hallway, one foot pressed against the bright yellow painted wall and the other keeping him balanced as he pretended to rummage through his messenger bag so it wouldn't look like he was hovering. He wasn't fully pretending, as he'd been so out of focus this morning that he'd done a less than adequate job packing his bag and his papers were all loose and jumbled, becoming obstacles as he searched for his lunch money. The door just to his right creaked open, catching his attention. But there was somebody going in the door and Kent was waiting for someone to come out.

After another minute of rummaging the door opened again, and this time the person he'd been waiting for stepped through. He caught sight of her shoes first, scuffed brown lace up boots poking out from the bottom of a pair of sage green cargo pants. His eyes trailed upwards until they found her face, but Juliet was looking right at the floor as she moved through the doorway, adjusting the hem of her loose cream sweater. She almost walked into Kent before she looked up and saw him.

"You waited for me," she said. If she didn't sound so flat Kent would've thought her surprised. Maybe she was.

"I said I was going to," he replied, sounding much more cheerful than usual, if that were even possible. "Shall we head to lunch?" She nodded, and they began their move away from the school psychologist's office.

"So how was it?" Kent asked under the roar of passing students.

"About what I expected really," confessed Juliet. Out of context it might have sounded like they were discussing a new film which Juliet had found rather boring. "We talked about my feelings, my grades, recent issues and stuff," She continued, as if reading off a list. Even without her tone making it obvious Kent knew how much she disliked talking about herself, especially in that context. He supposed that he probably wouldn't like it much either if he was discussing his flaws with professionals every week.

"Ah ok," He said. "So is it like what you're doing outside of school?" he asked without entirely thinking it through. Juliet didn't look angry with him though, she just gave Kent a sad smile before answering him.

"Yes and no," she said, almost sighing. "I think they're focusing on two different things." Which they were. Her therapist outside of school was more focused on helping her cope with her depression and recover from being suicidal, whereas the school psychologist was more focused on discussing what got her to that point in the first place and how to process and recover from the traumas she'd faced at school. It wasn't a fact she particularly enjoyed, often raising the question to herself of how messed up did you have to be to need two different psychologists attempting to fix your problems.

"Oh, right," Kent replied, noting that she probably didn't want to talk about it for much longer so he tried to think of a way to change the subject, but only ended up thinking about _her_. It had been the only thing on his mind since he left the hospital. Her words, her smile when he walked in the room, her kiss. He could barely sleep last night through elation. She wanted him, they were together, and for now no one knew except the two of them, which somehow made it feel that much better. He didn't even notice that he'd spaced out again until Juliet noticed him grinning at the floor as they walked and clicked her fingers in front of his face. His startled recoil even earned him a very quiet laugh.

"What's up with you today?" Juliet asked as Kent recovered, blinking rapidly and shaking his head, causing a few strands to fly in his eyes. Though Kent was aware enough to notice a change in Juliet's tone, the flatness he'd grown so used to was gone and had been replaced in that moment by a much more musical sound. She even sounded amused by his lack of focus.

"Huh?" he responded, still slightly shocked from being so abruptly pulled from his daydreams. He blinked a few more times, turning to face Juliet who was staring at him curiously.

"You seem happier than normal," She stated. Kent could already feel his cheeks begin to flush with the truth of her words. He wondered for a second if she knew, that she'd guessed in the two minutes they'd been walking through school together, but then figured she couldn't have, and left his thoughts at that.

"Oh right, yeah," He stammered by way of response, mentally kicking himself for continuing to fail at acting like nothing happened yesterday afternoon.

"Is this something to do with last night?" asked Juliet, eyebrows raised and a knowing tone to her voice. She's guessed it, Kent thought, internally groaning for being as subtle as a brick wall. He felt like one of those freshmen girls who'd just talked to their first crush being grilled by their best friends for details.

"Yeah actually," He answered, hoping it came out more nonchalantly than his previous attempts at speaking on the subject.

"How'd it go?" she asked, eyeing him like she knew the answer already.

"Better than I expected," He answered, satisfied despite the heat creeping into his cheeks. Kent took his attention away from Juliet as they came to the bottom of the staircase leading to the ground floor, thinking about how different things will be when Sam comes back, how he'll be walking down this staircase and through these halls hand in hand with her amongst the stares of their peers.

"You get the answers you were looking for?" Juliet asked as Kent held the door at the bottom of the stairs open for her, looking back to study his face as he considered his answer and noting how his smile grew wider and how much light migrated into his eyes. She tried to imagine how it would feel to be that happy, so happy that it leaked out of you and infected the air around you without you even being aware it was doing that. If she were a more hopeful person she would wish that kind of happiness for herself, but the harsh reality was that she didn't know whether she would ever feel as happy as Kent looked right now, and that hope was just another way of getting hurt.

"Yeah, I did," he said, with such forced nonchalance Juliet knew there was more to it, but she wouldn't question him. If he wanted to tell her then he would. As they continued to move closer to the cafeteria another thought hit her, so suddenly that she made a tiny gasp that she hoped Kent hadn't heard as she remembered. The thoughts she'd shoved to the back of her mind and aggressively tried to ignore despite how desperately she needed to know the answer.

"Did she-" Juliet began. Kent understood before she even finished her sentence.

"She um," he said. "She asked about you." Juliet's eyes widened a fraction.

"She did?" she stuttered, like the words didn't sound real to her. Kent pushed open the doors to the cafeteria and they both stepped inside, hit with a wave of noise from the bustling crowd of students. They stepped aside to finish their conversation so they weren't blocking the door.

"Yeah," Kent confirmed. "I told her you were fine and that seemed to make her pretty happy so-"

"It did?" she cut him off, her shocked disbelief even more obvious now, her eyes shone with what looked like alarm, mixed slightly with desperation. It made Kent appreciate once more just how confusing this all must be for her, how someone before three weeks ago wanted nothing but to humiliate her, and was now deeply concerned for her wellbeing.

"Yeah," He confirmed before heading towards the make your own deli bar to make his sandwich, leaving Juliet to navigate her way to their usual table. Kent found his thoughts wondering again as he shuffled along the lunch line, every bone in his body aching to see her again, to kiss her again. He almost caused traffic in the lunch queue when it got to his turn at the deli bar, he'd have to slap himself repeatedly if his thoughts kept wondering like this. It was a miracle he'd not been too distracted in class today. Once he made his sandwich he headed over to the table he shared with Juliet, watching her make her way through a bright red apple. He noted she was halfway through it when he sat down, hoping that she wasn't going to give up at this point like she had yesterday.

"So what did you guys talk about?" she asked once he'd sat down, it took him a second to realise what she'd meant. He used the few precious seconds he had before his silence became suspicious to think of an answer.

"How she's been doing mostly," he explained. Juliet put the apple down and started unwrapping a small sandwich from it film encasing it. "She might even be coming home soon."

"Oh," She exclaimed before taking a small bite of her flattened sandwich. Kent couldn't decipher whether this was a positive or negative reaction. It was probably a confusing mixture of both.

"She didn't go into detail on what's wrong with her, but she seemed very happy so she can't be in too much pain, right," Kent continued while Juliet chewed on her sandwich, watching her pull her sweater sleeve over the bandage on her left wrist.

"Could just be the drugs," She replied, sounding somewhat like she had intended her comment to be humorous. Kent found it amusing regardless, giving a slight chuckle.

"No she seemed very genuine. Not high at all," He responded, and observed a quick flash of brightness in Juliet's eyes as she looked at him before taking another measly bite of her sandwich.

"So when are you going again?" she enquired, watching Kent grow flustered again. She had a fairly strong idea in her mind that much more had happened between him and Sam in that hospital than he was letting on, but rather than asking obvious questions she would just watch Kent blush every time yesterday or Sam was mentioned and observe his attempts to remain casual, as they were rather amusing.

"Um, I don't know," he mumbled clumsily, wiping crumbs off his shirt in a hope to distract from his glowing cheeks. "Soon I hope."

"Right," Juliet replied, dragging the word out in a way that indicated suspicion.

"What?" he stammered, embarrassingly obvious that he was concerned by her implications.

"Nothing," She responded, shaking her head so her hair fell from where it was tucked behind her ears. "Eat your sandwich." Kent nodded and did as she suggested, pushing the last of it into his mouth in one. As he chewed he watched her finish the last of her sandwich and then dig in her bag for something, pulling out Kent's copy of Terry Pratchett's The Colour Of Magic, putting it on the table and opening it to a page bookmarked with a piece of scrap paper. Kent had given her the book yesterday, and for someone who had confessed themselves a slow reader, it looked like she had made good progress.

"You liking it so far?" Kent asked.

"Yeah, I started it last night," Juliet answered without looking up from the book splayed open on the table.

"Good isn't it," Kent added. Juliet nodded and her hair fell into her eyes. She tucked it back behind her ears with her good hand, leaving the bandaged one resting against the top of the book to keep her page open. She looked up and turned to Kent.

"Yeah. Have you got any more?" she said.

"So I'm the one man library now?" Kent replied with mock offense, turning his hands out towards her for exaggerated effect.

"No," she said instantly. "I mean, I will go to the actual library it's just." Her voice dropped a few notes as she tapered off the end of her sentence, her words only acting as another harsh reminder of her situation. She wasn't even sure if she had a library card or if she had the will to register for one, giving out her details to whichever stranger was on the desk, feeling like they thought she was wasting their time. Kent shot her a sympathetic glance, eager to help coax her out of social isolation.

"Yeah I know," he said, thinking of a way to help her, suddenly grasping an idea. "But how about you make it a goal. By the end of this week, aim to take a trip to the library. And if you don't manage it then I'll let you borrow one of mine," He suggested, which caused a small smile to spring up on her face. Mission accomplished.

"Ok," She responded, still smiling. "I'll do that."

"I'll write you a list so you know what to look for," Kent added, already pulling out one of his many notebooks to start writing one for her.

"Thanks," Juliet muttered before turning back to the book, ready to let the rest of their lunch break pass her by as she into the pages and away from reality.


	7. Chapter 7

I'd never been so excited to see the front of my house in my life, nor did I ever think I would be. When my dad's car pulled into the driveway I was bursting to get out of it and step back inside the house I never thought I would see again. I was grinning so hard as I stared up at it out of the back window that I almost forgot how much pain I was in, focused instead on the pure happiness that was exploding in my chest. My dad shut off the car, bringing me back to my senses, and back to the pain that ripped up my back every time I moved and the legs that felt like lead. Dad got out of the car first to grab my chair from the trunk, I'd been given a wheelchair and a set of crutches. I could walk on the crutches but I've been told to take it easy and only use the crutches for a few hours a day, without leaving the house for at least a week. Hopefully my ribs heal a little quicker than that because I'm not sure how long I'll last on house arrest now that I just want to get back out and experience the world again, the world I thought I'd no longer be a part of. The door opened beside me and my dad was ready with the chair and my mom was waiting to help me out. She grabbed one of the crutches that was slung over my legs and pulled it out of the car for me to use as a support stick. I clung to her with my other arm as she eased me out of the car and into the chair, before all of us headed for the front door. Me, mom, dad, Izzy and Kent pushing me in the chair.

He'd been so excited when we found out that I was ready to come home and offered up his Saturday to help without a second thought. My parents loved him, especially after how helpful he was during the accident, and Izzy's warming up to him too. The way my family acted around him made being with him feel so much more natural than it had been with Rob, the sudden thought of him making me dread the inevitably awkward post-accident conversation we're bound to have. If it didn't hurt so much I'd shudder at the thought. Dad unlocked the door and we all piled inside, Kent pushing me over the threshold last before closing the door.

"Are you happy to be home?" my dad asks as soon as the front door closes. I'm so busy breathing all the sights and smells and sounds that I never thought I'd experience again that I almost dont hear him.

"More than I though was possible," I answer enthusiastically, still staring at anything and everything I can with a strange sense of wonder. Who'd ever though something as simple and familiar as my house could become so amazing.

"Sammy's home, Sammy's home!" squeals Izzy, running and jumping around the hall excitedly before returning to my side once Kent had pushed me a little further inside the house, pushing her weight on my left armrest so she's almost leaning over the side into my lap.

"Yeah I am fizz, and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," I say to her, lifting one arm up and ruffling her soft brown hair, which feels like she hasn't brushed it this morning. She must've been too excited.

"Do you want to sit down on the couch?" and "Do you want something to eat?" sound from different rooms and echo through the hallway in a mash up of mom and dad's voices. I take a moment to consider my answer to both.

"Maybe later," I call out to mom, who must be in the kitchen, before answering the other question. "And Kent could you wheel me into the den please?"

"Of course. Which way?" he replies. I can feel him shifting the weight in his arms, getting ready to start pushing me again.

"That way," I direct him, pointing to the left towards the entrance to the den. One small push and we're moving.

Once we arrive in the den I stop for a moment to take it in, remembering all the memories I had in here, remembering the day that me and Izzy skipped school and watched movies in here, suddenly sad that I'm the only one who knows that it happened at all, but now I'm here I have a million more chances to sit and watch movies with her all day. Kent wheels me over to the couch and helps me out. I wrap my arm around his shoulder as he lifts me out of the chair and sits me down, and I find myself instantly delighted by the softness of the couch. Kent plumps a small cushion laying on the couch and sticks it behind my back so I can rest against it, and I use the edge of the couch to swing my legs up and stretch them out in front of me on the part that curves. Kent sits down in the space next to me.

"I never thought I'd be so happy to be home," I sigh, settling as comfortably as I can with my bruised back against the cushions supporting me.

"Are the girls stopping by later?" Kent asks, leaning his body sideways towards me and resting one arm over the back of the couch, almost around my shoulders.

"No," I answer automatically. I didn't want to think about them right now. "We spoke and I told them that I wanted to spend today with my family. They're coming over tomorrow."

"Oh, ok," Kent nods understandingly. The room goes silent for a few moments.

"I've decided when I'm going to tell them," I announce, immediately catching Kent's attention. He looks at me encouragingly, waiting for me to explain.

"A few days before I go back to school," I continue. "That way it won't be as shocking for them when they see us together."

"And you're sure you're ready to go full public," Kent asks me, concern written in his eyes. It makes me fall in love with him a little more, the way he refuses to do anything unless he knows I'm comfortable with it. I grin widely at him.

"I'm a changed woman now. Bring it on, I say," I exclaim, trying to swallow back a wince when my enthusiasm causes a sharp twinge of pain to rip up my back.

"Sounds like a plan to me." Kent grins right back, relaxing back against the couch.

"Now all we have to do is wait until I go back," I muse, my eyes focusing on my legs stretched rigid out in front of me. They feel really heavy and sometimes like they aren't there at all, if I attempted to lift one now it would feel like trying to shift a large bag of wet sand. Under my sweatpants they look awful. They're smattered with so many bruises, all purple and blotchy, that when I look at them in the mirror I feel like I'm half cow. One of my entire knees is purple and puffy, the one I dislocated. Looking at them makes me cringe and itch for the time I can walk properly again. "Which will go by so much quicker now I'm home and not stuck in that hospital room," I add.

"Was the hospital that bad?" asks Kent, a small hint of amusement in his voice. "If I remember correctly some pretty amazing things happened in that room," He finishes, grinning and winking at me. If there was a scatter cushion to hand I'd probably hit him with it. Instead I roll my eyes and laugh.

"It wasn't the hospital," I say in our moment's defence. "I'm just ready to start living my life again, you know?" he gives me a long understanding look, and then the corners of his mouth twitch like he's about to continue talking.

"Funny you should say that," Kent begins, a grin working its way across his face. "Because I have a whole ton of catch up work for you in my car." He starts laughing at the look of utter dread on my face.

"That's not what I meant," I groan. This only encourages him.

"Well unfortunately it needs doing," He responds. I'm considering pulling out the pillow supporting my back just to whack him with it just for bringing up schoolwork. Deciding against it because my back really needs the support right now and I dont want to risk further agony just to hit my boyfriend with a soft object, although I may keep tally of how many times I think about it while injured and deliver them all at once when I'm better.

"Calc?" I ask, dreading the answer already.

"Yup," Kent informs me, no longer laughing. I groan again, tilting my head back as far as my body will let me.

"I change my mind, I want to go back to the hospital," I declare, which only starts Kent off again.

"I'll help you, if you want," He says after a few moments pass, wrapping one arm over my shoulder. I lean into him as best I can, turning my head to face him so our noses are only a few inches apart.

"You sure you don't have enough on your plate already?" I ask, not wanting to distract him from his own school work even if I do really need the help.

"Trust me, even if my plate was overflowing I'd still make time for you," He reassures me, offering me his soft, sweet smile. I'm so taken by the tenderness and generosity of his works, of his dedication that I gasp slightly, and before I can even register what I'm doing my lips are inching towards his desperate for them to touch.

He kisses me softly, gently like I might shatter into glass if he pressed too hard. I press harder, letting him know that it's okay and that I'm not going to break. This kiss feels like a feather but I want everything. Feathers, clouds, waterfalls, I want it all. I can barely remember that were sat on the couch and not floating in space until I hear someone clear their throat behind me. With both our cheeks flushing we pull away from each other to find Izzy stood in front of us.

"Hey Izzy," I say immediately, aware of the warmth in my cheeks and the quick darts of pain that flash across my body.

"You guys wanna watch a movie?" she asks, swaying from side to side in front of us. I look at Kent before bringing my focus back to her.

"Sure," I tell her. She grins.

"Fine by me," Kent agrees. Izzy lets out a pleased exclamation before picking out one of her Disney movies and sliding it in the DVR. She runs back over to the couch and jumps on, wiggling between me and Kent so she's as close to me as she can get without sitting on my lap. Kent is happy to be pushed aside but drapes his arm over the back of the couch so it just reaches me. The three of us curl together and take in the movie that we've probably all seen a hundred times, and I think to myself how lucky I am to have days like this again, the ones I should have been having more often and am eternally grateful to be able have more of, just quiet and quality time with the people I care about. Its days like this that I'm ready to spend my whole life having, and I will never take for granted again.


	8. Chapter 8

Juliet was in the living room, stretched out across the entire length of one of the plaid couches that sat in the centre of the room, a book propped open in her lap. It was peacefully quiet in there, like the walls pushed away any other sounds that might be echoing in the house. There was no television in here, just two couches and a lot of old furniture that had belonged to her grandmother, Juliet had always thought that the reason they never redecorated this room is because it reminded her mother of her grandma. That it looked like a room frozen in time to keep part of her with them. Juliet was beginning to gain a new sense of appreciation for the room and the peace it offered, especially on a Sunday afternoon when sitting in the den was completely out of the question because her father was watching sports.

She was nearly halfway through Terry Pratchett's The Light Fantastic, the second book in a series Kent had neglected to mention was forty one books long after giving her the first one to borrow when someone knocked on the living room door. Juliet slipped her bookmark in the page before closing and carefully depositing the crumbling library book on the arm of the couch, calling for whomever was behind the door to come in. Marian opened the door and walked into the room.

"Hey, will you come and help me in the kitchen?" she asked. It was obvious she was baking something because her light blonde hair was tied in a messy ponytail, her sleeves were rolled up and she had sprinkles of flour all down her shirt and streaked across her face. It wasn't something she did very often, but when she did Marian was renowned for making much more mess than necessary. She probably wanted her to help clean up.

"Ok," Juliet replied, getting up off the couch and making her way over to the door.

"Yay," Her sister squealed, already making her way back to the kitchen. Over the past few weeks Juliet had become quite familiar with this joyful squeaking from her sister, especially when she asked for the two of them to do something together, even if it was just the two of them watching Marian's awful TV shows together. Marian now went out of her way to make sure Juliet knew how much she appreciated her. It was obvious that the aftermath of the accident had really impacted her, and now she was overcompensating with hugs and supportive words and quality time, but Juliet didn't mind. She felt slightly guilty but she didn't mind at all.

Once they arrived in the kitchen it was clear to Juliet that Marian had lived up to her reputation once more, there was flour over every surface and splattered on the floor and a large mixing bowl sat on the side, batter dripping down the outside of it and landing in thick drops on the counter. Juliet then began to take in the other aspects of the room, how it appeared to be the lightest room in the house, how the delicious smell of baking filled the room, the music coming from the radio in the corner. Everything felt so different when she actually paid attention.

"So what do you want me to do?" Juliet asked, staring right at the mess on the counter.

"Can you decorate them for me?" replied Marian, pointing to the kitchen table where two dozen cooling cupcakes sat. "You're much better at this kind of stuff than I am."

"Sure. What's the occasion?" asked Juliet as she made her way over to the table.

"No occasion, I just felt like making some," Explained Marian, who began rummaging around in one of the cupboards.

"Oh ok," Juliet replied, her voice dropping to flatness like a coin dropped in a glass as a sudden hollowness ripped its way through her chest and infected her blood as she sat at the table next to the cupcakes, feeling like the radio if one of them were to suddenly pull out the plug. She sighed, hoping that Marian wouldn't hear it over the music, reminded once more that this unrelenting hell was her life. In theory, things weren't as bad now. She had a friend and knew for certain that her family did care about her. She no longer felt like she had no one, but that was just a small fraction of the problem. She still felt like every day was a constant battle with her mind that she had no hope of winning, the all-consuming emptiness that swallowed her up and crushed her whenever she had a moment alone, the suffocating guilt of what she put her family through, and the constant tiredness. It all came together like a typhoon whirling inside her head that wouldn't go away no matter how much was different on the outside. She felt like she was faking every day, feeling somewhat satisfied whenever she was distracted enough but her mind soon reminded her that was all a lie, that she was still drowning and they had no idea. She knew that she wouldn't make another direct attempt on her own life any time soon, the guilt from the pain in her family's eyes was too strong, but part of her still begged for an accident to take her away from all this, that way it wouldn't be her fault. She knew there was much better out there for her, but thought to herself, if she got to have that better life but still had this dark, hollow nothingness chained to her, what would be the point.

She startled when Marian put a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back from the shadows leaking into her thoughts. Juliet looked up, seeing Marian looking down at her with a large empty Tupperware container tucked against her hip, hints of concern glistening in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Marian asked tentatively.

"Fine," Juliet lied, feeling the guilt start to settle in her chest. "I'll start icing these now," She said, picking up the first cupcake with arms made of lead. Marian left her reluctantly, overanalysing the sudden flatness in Juliet's voice. She tried to convince herself that she was just being ridiculous, that she was looking for things that weren't there, but she now knew better than that. She was so terrified that her sister would try and kill herself again, it almost made it hard to leave her alone even though she knew she had to. She became so focussed on observing her behaviour just to see if anything seemed off, like this drop had now, but Marian decided that she would keep it in mind but not dwell on it, and find a way to try and help her sister if she could.

Juliet started icing the cakes, lathering a fine layer of white icing on each one before she contemplated how she would decorate them. Holding the cupcakes and icing them made her wrist twinge with discomfort. She'd only stopped bandaging it this weekend, but it was a fairly bad sprain, she wondered how much longer it would take to heal completely, or if it never would, so then she would be doomed to be both physically and mentally broken for the rest of her life. She started to wonder if her antidepressants would ever work, she'd been taking them for three weeks and all she'd noticed were headaches, random dizzy spells and that yesterday and today she didn't feel like she'd only had one hours sleep.

In the background, Juliet heard Marian start washing up the bowls she'd used, concentrating on the smack and clang each piece made as Marian placed it on the metal side to dry. This made it slightly easier for her to concentrate on icing the cupcakes rather than wallowing in misery, and when she put the final cupcake back into the tray, now coated with an even layer of white icing, she barely even realised that the black fog was subsiding. Decorating each cupcake individually made her feel like she was back at the park sketching the pond with Kent, some she decorated with intricately placed sprinkles and chocolate chips and others she used the yellow icing pipe to draw cartoonish flowers, filling in the gaps with sprinkles. She smiled when Marian came over and grinned at them.

"They look great," She exclaimed, a wide smile on her face as she surveyed the cakes. "Thank you, they look so good I'd feel bad about eating them."

"We'll see how long that lasts," Remarked Juliet, which caused Marian to laugh. Marian tried to think of the last time her sister made her laugh, or had tried to say something humorous at all. She couldn't even remember. Suddenly her throat caught, and she felt like she might be about to cry, but she squashed that feeling down as she looked at her sister, who in that moment looked like she could be happy.

"Shh," Marian responded, tapping her sister on the shoulder playfully. "Juliet, can you help me wipe the counters down?" she asked.

"How did I know that was coming?" Juliet replied, looking up at her sister with raised eyebrows. She gave an exaggerated sigh before agreeing to help.

The two of them both got to work, Marian wiped the flour and batter away from the counters while Juliet wet some Kitchen towel and began to wipe the flour spillages up off the floor, wondering the entire time how on earth Marian managed to get this much on the floor in the first place. In some areas you'd think she mixed the batter there rather than on the countertop, either that or she knocked over the flour bag a few times.

Once Juliet had cleaned the floor she moved onto putting the leftover decorations away, shoving them on the top shelf in the pantry. She declared her role in cleaning the kitchen complete and went over to the sink to wash her hands, Marian still wiping flour from the counter next to her. Juliet watched the water as it poured out over her hands, concentrating on the way it bounced off her into different directions, the way it slowly warmed up as it rushed out of the faucet and onto her skin. She was drying her hands with a piece of kitchen towel when she heard Marian squeal seconds before a cloud of white dust hit her, covering her arms in flour. Marian had knocked over the bag.

"I'm so sorry," Marian said, grimacing at her own clumsiness. The knock had left a trail of flour from the mouth of the bag in one diagonal line across the counter, spilling off the edge an inch away from where Juliet was standing.

"Marian!" Juliet exclaimed, shaking her head with her hand over her eyes, but smiling.

"I don't even know what happened," She explained, trying not to laugh.

"I think it's obvious what happened Marian," Said Juliet. Marian moved closer to her sister with the intention of wiping the flour off her, but as she prepared to brush off the white powder, Juliet did it herself and then wiped the flour on Marian's face. She gasped in disbelief, brushing the flour off her face as her sister smiled at her, really genuinely smiled at her. It was as if for that split second nothing was wrong, Juliet was smiling and her eyes were wide and she seemed just like her old self, so much that it made something in Marian's chest ache. Before she even knew what she was doing she pulled her sister in for a hug, wrapping her arms around her as tightly as she could, hoping to cling to this moment where Juliet seemed happy.

The hug had taken Juliet by surprise, so much that she almost fell backwards with the force of it. She slowly wrapped her arms around her sister's back, holding her against her as she pressed her face into Juliet's shoulder. Juliet thought for a fraction of a second that she heard Marian stifle tears, but figured that she must just have flour in her nose. She thought about how quickly emotions could change, how quickly they could rise or drop at the slightest thing. She thought about how empty she felt fifteen minutes ago compared to now, how she was laughing and joking with her sister. She thought about distractions and how even though they didn't stop the sadness or the emptiness, they were a welcome temporary relief because it was these moments in which she remembered that she could fight what was lurking in the depths of her mind, even if only for a little while. Even if the distractions couldn't eradicate the darkness, they still provided a little bit of light, and for now that could be enough.


	9. Chapter 9

"Right, I'm off to the bathroom," I say between rapid, shallow breaths that feel as quick as a pounding heart, recovering from yet another giggling fit. Lindsay, Elody and Ally have been over all day and today has been, without a doubt, the most fun I've had since coming out of the hospital. It's made me realise just how much I've missed having my best friends around me for more than two hours, as restricted by hospital visiting hours. The eruption of laughter following Lindsay's last joke dissipates as I heave myself off the couch with my crutches and start to cross the room to the door.

"See you in an hour," Calls Ally, flashing me a cheeky grin. I turn my head as best I can and stick my tongue out at her.

"Don't call me if you need someone to wipe your ass for you," Yells Lindsay when I'm in the hall.

"Shut up," I shout back with mock offence. She's been making jokes like this ever since I got out of the hospital, and at first something about them just made me feel kind of off, but now I don't mind as much.

"Don't worry Sam, I'll fish you out if you fall in," Elody adds, I can practically hear her smile.

"Thank you Elody," I call back as I inch my way down the hall towards the bathroom. "At least I know one of you cares about me."

"Just go pee, bitch," I hear Lindsay fire back, and with that I shut my mouth, roll my eyes and keep moving. I can hear them laughing even as I awkwardly close the bathroom door behind me, the walls offering little by way of a sound barrier. It eventually falls quiet but I don't really notice until I'm trying to wash my hands while simultaneously trying not to put too much pressure on my legs and topple over. I'm almost finished when a sudden shout from the den grabs my attention.

"SAM!" I know the voice is Lindsay's.

"Huh," I call as I shut off the faucet and grab the hand towel.

"Samantha Emily Kingston you get your cripple ass out here right now!" Lindsay calls again, she sounds urgent.

"Jesus Christ," I mutter to myself. "Fine, I'm coming."

I swing myself back to the den as fast as I can because you don't keep Lindsay waiting, and when I get there I find Lindsay stood in the middle of the room clutching something in her hands, a look of sheer confusion and almost anger written across her face, the others standing either side of her. It takes me a second to realise that the thing Lindsay has in her hands is my cell phone.

"Lindsay what are you-" I stutter, but it's too late. I know exactly what has happened here. This really isn't how I wanted to do this.

"Care to explain?" demands Lindsay, waving my phone up in front of her, the screen all lit up and exposing the picture of me and Kent I'd set as my lock screen. I have one new message, probably from Kent.

"You went through my phone?" is the first thing I can think to say. I'm suddenly filling with such anger that I can hear my blood rushing in my ears and my skin feels a hundred degrees. Lindsay shoots me an incredulous look, which only makes me angrier.

"I don't think you're the one who should be handing out questions here," she spits at me, her eyes wide with disbelief and something else, something that makes me fight not to squirm under it. "What the fuck is this?"

"Something I've been meaning to talk to you guys about," I answer as calmly as I can bring myself to, although my voice still sounds like its wavering. I have no idea if they noticed or not.

"Well start talking then," Lindsay orders, her voice a little quieter, but no less hostile. She's staring right at me and I refuse to look away.

"First you give me the phone," I answer back. She raises her eyebrows at me like she thinks I'm joking, like how dare I demand things from her when I'm the one in the wrong. I raise mine and quickly bring them back down, to show her that I'm not.

"Lindsay, give me the phone," I demand. She throws it onto the empty couch without a word or a glance in my direction. I swing myself over there and sit down, picking the phone up and sliding it into the pocket of my hoodie.

"There, now talk," Says Lindsay, coldly.

"We're together," I state, quick and blunt.

"You're joking right," she replies, followed by a choked laugh. "This is all some big joke, well bravo kid you actually managed to scare me for a second there," She laughs again, I remain silent.

"Sam?" Ally questions, flashing her concerned expression my way.

"I wasn't joking," I reply, stern and sure. Lindsay blinks twice before laughing again, although this time her laughter sounds more nervous.

"I've rumbled you, you can stop pretending now," She continues, sounding like she's not entirely convinced I'm joking but is keeping up the charade for as long as she can before the truth becomes glaringly obvious to the point of no denial.

"I'm not pretending because it's not a joke," I tell her, looking her right in the eyes. And then just like that her face drops, all elements of amusement gone. The room goes so silent that even the sound of our breathing feels too loud.

"Oh shit," Whispers Ally.

"She's serious," Adds Elody. Lindsay blinks at then, her top lip curling up in either disbelief or disgust. They just stare back at her, apprehension shining in their wide eyes.

"What?" spits Lindsay, turning to me.

"They're right, I'm serious. We're together," I answer.

"And you didn't think to tell me about this," She yells, pacing two steps closer to the couch. "I could have talked you out of whatever drug addled delusion lead to you agreeing to that," She adds, a little calmer this time. I however just feel even more enraged. Kent is such a kind, gentle human being, none of them have a clue. I hate the fact the fact they think someone would have to be on drugs to agree to go out with him. They know so little and are so judgemental that I'm ready to explode. This isn't going to be pretty.

"That's exactly why I didn't tell you, because I knew you would react like this," I relay back to Lindsay, trying not to let the full extent of how pissed off I am show.

"Is it your pain meds? Are they messing with your brain or something because those can easily be-"

"Shut up Lindsay, it's not my medication," I cut her off abruptly. If I wasn't on crutches right now I think I would have slapped her. I hiss to myself, letting some of the rage flood out with my breath. "I knew you'd do this. I want to be with him." Lindsay looks at me like I passed crazy five blocks back.

"Is this some kind of Stockholm syndrome thing, then? Because we can help you, you know," she continues, so sure of herself that I can't actually like him for who he is that it makes my skin crawl.

"No, I actually really like this guy," I say calmly, clearly, trying not to lose it.

"Kent McFuller? Really?" Lindsay asks in disbelief, she's almost laughing. "Has he been slipping round here during the night and putting drugs in your food or something."

"No, why would you even say something like that?" I spit back at her. Her nostrils flare as she registers my comment but any other signs of shock are non-existent.

"Because that's the only way I can find a plausible explanation for this," She argues, raising her voice just a little.

"Have you ever considered that I might want to be with him because I don't know, I like him for who he is?" I yell back at her, not even caring if I sound hostile anymore. If she wants to argue with me on this one then I'm not backing down.

"But its Kent McFuller, stalker guy," She says, curling her lip up in disgust. "He's a freak. He wears blazers and bowler hats to school. He- he's friends with psycho for fuck's sake."

"Yeah, so what? Who gives a shit?" I shout, every second pushing me closer to breaking point. "He's also kind and caring and thoughtful. You even said yourself how great he was during the accident."

"So he was helpful, doesn't make him any less of a loser," Spits Lindsay back in my direction. The harsh judgement in her words and tone had been boiling my blood since this argument started, but after that comment I'm done playing nice.

"Stop talking about him like that," I order her. She looks at me open mouthed like I'd slapped her.

"Why? It's the truth," She insists, her cheeks now starting to display ugly red blotches under her make up.

"No it's not," I scoff, "It's your twisted version of the truth because your head is so far up your own ass that you can't see worth in people if they aren't exactly like you." The room goes silent. They all stare at me open mouthed and blinking, like fish someone had just yanked out of the river.

"What did you just say to me?" demands Lindsay, a look of utter fury on her face. He stares at me, trying to intimidate me, but it doesn't work. I stare her down with just as much rage confidence.

"Wow Sam, you really crossed a line," Ally chimes in from the corner.

"Shut up Ally," I hiss at her, watching as she averts her eyes without trying to make it look obvious. "She knows I'm right. It's obvious that she cares less about my feelings than maintaining her precious little social circle that doesn't mean anything."

"That freak's really brainwashed you," Lindsay says, staring at me with contempt, but it doesn't bother me, not anymore.

"No, actually I've just come to my senses," I tell her, suddenly finding it in myself to calm down. "Popularity doesn't matter, none of that shit matters, but you're too blinded by your own shallowness to see it." I watch the outraged look on Lindsay's face, enjoying it. "You think I need to hear the truth, well I have an awful lot of it for you."

"Why are you being such a bitch?" Ally snaps again from the corner. I want to roll my eyes with how pathetic an outburst it was.

"Oh stop acting like you're so perfect Sam, before the accident you felt exactly the same as I did," says Lindsay coldly.

"Yeah well now I know better, I've changed," I explain to her, to all of them. "And to be perfectly honest Lindsay, yeah I did think the same way as you and you know what, I didn't even know why. I just went along with stuff because you said so, without even thinking about the consequences. I was blind." I hear a quiet gasp from the corner of the room. I don't know which girl it came from but I turn my attention their way where they're now standing in front of the TV with their arms folded across their chests.

"What? Did that hit a little too close to home girls? You two really should learn to think for yourselves," I spit at them. I don't really want to be mean to them but if they're going to argue with me and act like I'm the one being unreasonable them I'm going to have to. Ally glares at me and opens her mouth but I shut her down before she can say anything. "Oh don't even try to argue with me, you know I'm right. She treats you like shit and you still do everything she says. Really, ask yourselves why that is."

"Don't speak to them like that," Lindsay snaps at me. I whip my attention back to her, shooting her the exact same nasty look she's giving me.

"You shouldn't have to speak for them, they are capable of doing it themselves, which you would know if you weren't always criticising them," I tell her.

"You-" she starts, looking like she's about to walk over and thump me.

"Everybody could we please stop-" Cries Elody. She's ignored.

"Criticising people and acting like you're better than them doesn't actually make you better, it just makes you a fucking bitch," I add, watching and revelling in the look on her face.

"Well I'd rather be a bitch than whatever the hell you've become," She snarls back at me. "And what makes you think, that just because you're hanging out with freaks now you can talk to me like this?"

I think I audibly laugh.

"Here we go again, everything about popularity. Just because you're rich and pretty and confident doesn't give you a free pass to treat people like crap. You aren't the authority on who gets to be treated like a human being or not," I shout at her.

"Other people's feelings aren't my problem, they do it to themselves," She says, low and cold, as if she has to justify her own shitty actions by telling herself this. In that moment it makes me pity her.

"Again so stuck up your own ass that people being themselves is only a good thing if they're like you," I tell her.

"Shut up," She barks at me.

"No you need to hear this., I argue back, but calmly this time, not angry, not trying to rile her up, just trying to tell her the truth.

"You act like people who aren't popular are weak, that they won't survive out in the real world when actually it's you. because outside none of it matters, nobody in the real world gives a shit how many parties you went to or how many roses you got on cupid's day and in the end it'll be you who won't survive because you place so much importance on stuff that's meaningless and act like a horrible person because of it." A long moment of silence passes between the four of us after I stop speaking. I watch out of the corner of my eye Elody and Ally exchange glances. I can't tell what they're thinking.

"I dont know what that accident did to your brain but whatever it is, I dont like it," Lindsay replies, her voice now flat, like all the anger she had has left her, like she's done with me.

"See, you can't even give me a good enough argument. You're just trying to act like I'm the problem so the attention's off you. Other people aren't the problem here, it's your I'm-better-than-everyone attitude that's the problem, " I say.

"Well you're the one acting like the problem," She fires back.

"Why? Because I'm telling the truth," I question her. Lindsay stops for a second, her gaze flits away from mine for the briefest second, the stony look etched into her features doesn't falter.

"What the hell has gotten into you?" she says, uncharacteristically quiet.

"I opened my eyes," Is all I say in response. Another potent moment of silence passes. I notice Lindsay look at the girls quickly. Her body slightly rigid.

"No, you've been replaced by some freak loving weirdo that I dont even recognise anymore," She spits at me rather suddenly, starting to head over to where her purse lay at the foot of the other couch.

"If anything put this conversation into perspective it was what you just said," I tell her as she's picking it up off the floor. "You think you know me better than I know myself, well you're wrong. Also you care less about the fact that I almost died than you do that I'm dating someone you don't approve of. Now what does that say about you?"

"You know what, I'm done. No friend of mine cares more about freaks than they do about me," she hisses, slinging her purse over her shoulder, shooting me daggers in the process.

"Well no friend of mine cares more about meaningless self-absorbed shit than they do about me," I spit back, looking her right in the eye as she starts to leave.

"C'mon girls, we're leaving," She orders them, and they obediently start moving like startled animals, grabbing their purses and heading for the door. "Call me when your meds stop scrambling your brain."

They file out into the hall one by one, Elody being the last to go. She stops for a second and looks at me, it's a sad look, and her eyes are wide and shining with raw emotion as she processes what's just happened before heading out. It sends a shot of pain to my chest. I never wanted to hurt them like this, but I just couldn't go back to being that person and if they couldn't even be happy for me, or be willing to try and understand why I'd changed then I supposed for now I was better off without them.


	10. Chapter 10

I've been preparing for this moment ever since I opened my eyes in the hospital, waking up to blinding lights and wondering why I wasn't in some better place. It was one of the first thoughts I had, and its inevitability hurtled towards me as I recovered day by day. I found myself constantly wondering how she was doing, nobody had told me much, and everyone was too focused on my recovery to give me any details of what had happened that night. I think they thought it would upset me so they've all kept quiet. I wonder whether I had changed things for her, things had definitely changed for me. Now just over a month later I'm turning moms Accord down into Serenity Place because I know I need to talk to her, and that she probably wants to talk to me, if only for an explanation. I have to speak to Juliet.

The Accord drifts all the way down to number fifty nine before I drag it into the driveway. I'm not entirely sure I should even be driving, but I'm managing my crutches, and the doctors said that I'd suffered no permanent brain damage so that should mean I'm okay to drive, right. Once I shut off the engine I haul my crutches from the back seat and climb out, awkwardly slamming my body against the door to shut it, which ends up being more painful than I'd wanted. I'm not too beat up, most of my injuries were internal but that was sorted, I did manage to break three ribs and damage muscle in my back, so now I'm wearing this thing under my shirt that looks like one of those things people strap over their stomach to help them tone up as opposed to doing actual exercise, aside from that and the crutches I'm fine.

I pass the rooster shaped mailbox sitting at the side of the flowerbed, ease myself up to the front door and ring the doorbell, waiting impatiently for sounds on the other side as my heart jumps in my chest. I don't know why I'm so nervous, I know she's alive, I've been told that much. But maybe on some subconscious level I'm expecting to be greeted by a solemn family member who tells me that Juliet is no longer around, that she tried again on another day and finished what I stopped, or that I'll have no idea what to say to her when she does open the door. I let out a long sigh of relief when I hear shuffling on the other side of the door, a gentle clicking noise sounds and then the door opens slowly, hesitantly like a startled deer checking you out to sense if you're a threat, and all of a sudden there she is, Juliet.

She looks shocked. Her blue eyes are wide and she's blinking slowly, gripping hold of the door handle from the inside like she's not sure whether to slam it in my face. Her hair is down but it's tucked behind her ears and her lips are parted slightly. I notice once again how pretty she is, wondering how I could've ever not noticed. She's wearing a heavy dark grey cardigan over a lighter grey t shirt and jeans that hang loose on her thin legs. She tugs the cardigan sleeve over her free hand. She looks shocked, but she's here alive and in front of me, I think to myself, letting relief sink in. I realise she isn't going to make the first move and that I'm going to have to.

"Hey," I say over a bout of nervous laughter, smiling awkwardly as she studies me from the doorway. She doesn't quite know how to respond, I can see it. It's like I'm watching moments flash by in her eyes. Watching her think of all the bad memories and the memories of me helping her on that last day merging together so she can't decide which ones feel stronger. It feels much better than that empty look in her eyes from before.

"Um…hi," she stammers quietly, like she's trying out her voice for the first time and wonders how it sounds. "So you're out of the hospital." Her face somehow falls flatter than it already was, like she's scolding herself for saying something so obvious.

"Yes, I am," I confirm, getting ready to go in with my opener. "And I was hoping we could talk." I try to put as little pressure on her as I can, keeping my voice gentle. After a long pause she gives me a faint nod.

"Do you need help coming in?" she asks, looking down at my crutches.

"No, I'll be fine," I assure her, swinging myself over the threshold once she steps aside to let me in. the hallway is lighter than I remember it, and the dead flowers in the vase on the table have been replaced, the new ones are bright yellow and wilting but they're not quite gone. I don't even look at the photo frame. Juliet leads me into the room with the old furniture and the paper mask, which I manage to catch a glimpse of as I sit down on one of the couches, my movements automatic. It takes me a second to remember that nobody but me knows I've been here before, and I try to look less familiar with the room. Juliet sits on the other couch, facing me.

"So how've you been?" I start, propping my crutches against the arm of the couch. I watch Juliet's hands fall into her lap, she tugs her sleeves over her hands again.

"Okay I guess," She answers, her voice holding no real sense of emotion. I wonder whether she's gotten better at all since the accident. "You?"

"It's been okay," I begin. "It's gotten better since I've been able to leave the house," I laugh like this is some kind of inside joke, like she must know what I mean. I don't even know what happened to her after the accident. Taking a breath, I ready myself for the conversation I came over here to have. "Now aren't you going to ask me the question that I know you want to?"

Her face goes blank, she's taken aback by my being upfront, batting her lashes over her wide eyes as she tries to think of something to say. But then she changes. She slumps in her chair like she's trying to make herself invisible, and that dead, empty look returns to her eyes, almost as if somebody injected it into her. She leans forward, looking straight at me, hunched over and resting her hands on her knees. I barely even hear her when she chokes out "Why?"

"Because I didn't want it to end like that," I say, feeling all the sadness and guilt and frustration flood back into me as if it were February twelfth all over again. Ready to defend my choice to save her, to explain to her why she deserves to live. "You deserved a second chance."

"But I was ready!" she counters, her voice breaking like she's about to burst into tears, like I ruined her life by shoving her out of that road. My heart goes cold. How bad must things be for someone to decide that they're done so early in life, that there's no hope left for them and they're ready to go. But of course, I know. It makes me want to take it all away even though I know I can't.

"Nobody should have to be ready as young as us, we have our whole lives ahead of us, a whole lifetime for things to get better," I explain, feeling like I've had this conversation a million times, but I think now I would have this conversation a million more times if there was any chance of it getting through to her.

"You don't know that," She spits.

"But you don't know it won't," I argue. Juliet goes quiet for a second, pulling her eyes to the floor before lifting them back up to look at me.

"Yes, I do," She responds, so sure in the words she's saying. "You don't even know me. Maybe things get better for you but for me they don't, they only get worse."

"I know," I say softly, hoping that she can hear that I'm genuinely sorry about everything that they we put her through. "And I want to put a stop to that."

Juliet's face changes again, and this time she doesn't look startled or emotionless or even angry, she looks suspicious. And at first I feel slightly offended but then I think, I probably would be too if I was in her position, if the words coming out of someone's mouth differed so much from their actions. Me being a bitch to her is all she's ever known, she's probably just trying to protect herself.

"I know I've been a bitch," I start explaining. I want her to trust me, maybe then she'll listen. Which I realise sounds selfish but I really want to make sure she's okay, and if she keeps telling herself that there's no hope for her then she won't be. "And what we did was cruel and unfair but I'm sorry, really truly sorry and I want to make things right, or try to at least."

"Where has this come from, this sudden realization?" she asks, the flatness in her voice making her sound sarcastic. For all I know she could be being sarcastic, which again makes me feel mildly offended but I swallow my pride. While I know that it took me living the same day seven times over to see my mistakes and try to fix them, all she sees is a person who treated her awfully all her middle and high school life make a behavioural U-turn out of the blue, I should try to understand that.

"It kind of hit me," I answer. _Or I hit it, over and over again_.

"Look, I want you help you, I want you to feel better," I continue, racking my brains for any way I can get her to trust me. She's still staring at me like she doesn't believe a word I'm saying. "I'll get everyone to lay off at school," I say, hoping that might make a difference. I have no idea whether I could actually do it, maybe people won't argue with me because I'm injured, I don't know. It would definitely be worth a shot though. Juliet looks up at me and flashes me a sad smile, shifting in her seat. This makes me feel strangely hopeful, a sad smile has got to be better than no smile at all. I also notice she's not fighting me as much as she did before, she's actually listening to me. Maybe me saving her made her see something she couldn't before.

"Thanks," she says quietly, and I can already tell from the miserable tone in her voice that there is a but coming here. "I would appreciate that but it won't make things better. You can't just undo what's already been done," and I realise that she's right, getting people to stop making fun of her at school in the last few months of senior year won't undo all the horrible things that had happened to her before. A few months of peace won't undo the damage left by years of torture, how could I have thought it would? She also seems angrier now, like that time when I locked her in the bathroom during one of my repeats of February twelfth. She's leaning against the arm rest now, pushing against it to make me aware of her space rather than shrinking into the couch, her other hand balled into a fist in her lap. Her eyes have spark too, like that hopeful flicker when you try to use a dying lighter, a flame that's there but barely.

Something in the air changes, and Juliet must see that I have gotten her message because just like that lighter with not enough fluid the spark in her eyes goes out. She falls back into her seat, eying me the entire time as I watch her shrink away again. She looks away, smoothing her hand over her face as if it will calm her down. I hear a mangled sob from behind a curtain of pale blonde hair.

"And you can't," she chokes out, now looking at me again with shiny blue eyes, like she's about to break. "You can't fix what's already broken."

"You're not broken," I reply immediately, remembering a time where I once felt similar and a long conversation I had with Kent that made me feel so much better. Right now I wish I had his way with words to help me. "And some things don't need to be fixed, only changed."

"What do you mean?" her confused stare is boring right into me, her eyes like blue spotlights pinning me in place. She's so quiet, I think, and something starts to tell me in the back of my mind that this time might be different, that she might believe me. My shoulders heave as a huge sigh falls through my mouth, and I run my hand through my hair.

"I know some horrible things have happened to you and you're never going to be that happy girl in fourth grade again," I can feel the weight of my words in my chest, the determination, sadness and guilt that drives them coursing through me. "But you have a future, you can make sure that you never become that girl out on the road again either."

Juliet blinks at me, and I think, just for a fraction of a second that I might have actually gotten through to her. But then her eyes grow sad again, not just sad, tired. "And how do I do that?" she asks in a split tone that I don't quite know how to take. On the one hand she sounds almost sarcastic, like she's so sick and tired of everything and my words amuse her, but on the other hand she sounds so desperate, like she's been searching for answers for such a long time and I might just give them to her. "Because I can't see any way that's possible." I'm about to open my mouth to speak but she continues. "See, I told you that it was too late for me."

"It's never too late for anyone!" I argue again. A small part of me is beginning to grow frustrated with her. I want to shake her, to show her every good thing in the world, everything to live for. "You just need a little help, and I want to help you."

"You can't! Don't you see that," she spits, her voice breaking so it sounds in a twisted way like she's laughing.

"Tell me why," I demand, wondering if maybe I shouldn't have been so soft on her to start with.

"Why should I?" she argues, that glimmer of rage returning to her eyes.

"Because believe it or not, I'm trying to help you!" I fire back, hurt and anger spreads through my chest, frustration boiling in my blood because she can't see that I'm trying to help her, and she keeps refusing help when she clearly needs it. Another second passes and I calm myself, telling myself that it's because she still doesn't trust me and that she is under no obligation to even though I am trying to help her. I guess making up for your mistakes was never supposed to be easy. "I'm not the person I was before the accident anymore. I'm serious, I want to help you."

"Well do you see another way of it ending? Because I don't think I can take it anymore!" she exclaims, energy radiating from her, pressure ready to be released like Juliet is the soda bottle that someone shook before opening and I'm trying to twist off the lid. And In a way that's exactly what I'm doing, I want her to explode, to open up to me and tell me why she sees death as her only way out, what took all of her emotions away and left her with that blank look in her eyes like she feels nothing, I want to understand her so I can help her.

"Of course I do," I reply softly. I think she scoffs at me.

"Do you want to know what the saddest part is?" it's a rhetorical question, but I'm desperate for the answer. "I don't even care anymore," She says it like it's almost funny, her mouth twisted into this sarcastic smile. And I can only watch, listen as it's finally her turn to speak.

"Not about you, or Lindsay or any of the other assholes at school, I don't care about myself. I used to be angry, I used to dread coming to school every day and I hated it but at least I felt something, and now I can't even do that," The words burst out of her, expelled into the air surrounding me with all the force behind them, the rawness in her voice sitting in my chest and spreading painfully along with the knowledge that I'm partly responsible for making her this way. My bones ache with regret as I watch her eyes fill with tears as she talks. I would have felt better if she had walked over here and punched me in the face.

"I feel completely empty, nobody knows I exist and the few who do make sure that I suffer for it. I don't care what happens to me anymore and I barely have the energy to get through each day. I would just be better off d…"

"No, you wouldn't!" I snap before she can even end her sentence. "And you might feel numb now but that will change. School is over in a few months, you can go to college and start over where nobody knows all the nasty high school bullshit. You may not see an end to it but there is one."

More blinking, but this time I'm met with a dazed expression sitting in the puddles of Juliet's eyes rather than an emotionless void. She wipes up the few tears that spilled down her cheeks with her sleeves.

"What if I'm an unlikable freak wherever I go?" she splutters wistfully, staring down at her lap as her hair falls into her eyes.

"You're not," I assure her, my voice soft with pain for her. I hope that she can't hear the underlying guilt. "What happened to your reputation was our fault, there will be plenty of people who aren't bitches like us who will like you for who you really are."

Juliet gives a dejected sigh. "I'm not even sure I know who that is anymore."

"You'll find out again," I say. She gives me a very small smile.

A blanket of silence settles over us, soft like first snowfall, light like the sun streaming through a patch in heavy clouds. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, freeing me so that I can finally breathe again. The same seems to happen to Juliet, because she sits up and tucks her hair back behind her ears, showing me her entire face. She still looks like she could start crying at any second, but she looks less blank, like her insides feel a little less hollow.

"So what happened the night of the accident, after I pushed you?" I ask, breaking the silence after remembering the other thing I came here to talk to her about. She shifts suddenly like I've made her jump, turning her head to face me away from the spot on the floor she was watching.

"Um, well everyone ran over, and somebody must have called an ambulance," She starts retelling, her face indicating that she isn't quite sure of herself, her memories of that night must be blurry. "They took us both to the hospital and Kent came with us, he wouldn't leave your side." This makes me beam but I shake it off, it's not the time to be grinning over my boyfriend, its time to listen to Juliet and find out what happened after the accident, the stuff no one's been telling me.

"You um," Juliet stammers, giving me the hard news look, the look your parents give you when they're about to tell you that grandma died. "You died a few times before we got there, but they managed to resuscitate you."

So I did die, but maybe some force decided that I got a second chance for seeing the error of my ways and helping other people. "What about you?" I ask.

"A few cuts and bruises, sprained wrist, not much," She explains. She then pulls on her sleeves and cringes before continuing. "But they kept me in the hospital when they realised that I wasn't in the road by accident."

"And then what?" I urge her. This is the part I really want to know, if she's getting any help. She seems hesitant to reveal the next part of the story, but continues tentatively.

"They've put me on pills, and I've got to see a therapist once a week," she reveals, looking instantly like she regrets the words ever leaving her mouth. I'm suddenly so happy. Thrilled to hear that she's going to be okay, that my actions managed to get her the help she needed. I flash her a wide smile, which makes her look slightly afraid.

"That's great," I beam. "Are the pills working?"

"A little," She replies, grimacing. "They're taking a while to kick in. Kent made school a little better, he started talking to me after the accident and has been helping me deal with everyone at school."

Once again I'm grinning like a maniac over my amazing boyfriend. Not only did he accompany me to the hospital and stay calm through me dying on him, but he made sure Juliet wasn't lonely at school, a girl he barely knew.

"He's an amazing guy," I sigh, and Juliet gives me this strange, knowing look. It makes me wonder exactly what she and Kent have been talking about at school while I've been in the hospital and on house arrest. Clearly Juliet starts thinking about school too, because she goes blank again. Her emotions seem like a switch, as soon as she allows herself to feel anything other than misery someone throws the switch and everything turns off again. It makes me sad to see that I'm losing her again, after all the progress we've made.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you this," she sighs, running her hands through her shimmering blonde hair. "How do I know you won't go running off and tell this to all of your friends?"

I look at her, seeing the regret in her eyes that she said anything but also the overwhelming force telling me that she's lost all sense of trust in people. "Because I won't," I swear to her.

"We kinda got in a fight anyway," I confess, hoping it will make Juliet feel a little more at ease. "Because they can't even deal with the idea of me and Kent being together."

"You and Kent, huh," She responds, eying me knowingly.

"Yeah," I grin, nodding my head like an embarrassed schoolgirl telling her best friends that she had her first kiss.

"You really must have changed," She states, with a tone in her voice that sounds almost like she's laughing. It does nothing to stop the grin on my face. "Rob was an asshole anyway." Juliet adds, and now I'm laughing. I wasn't expecting anything like that from her, I think I could definitely see myself liking her.

"I know," I exclaim, still laughing. And I think she almost laughs too but then then we hear the front door close. Both of our attentions turn in the direction of the open living room door, where a soft, feminine voice calling Juliet's name carries through.

"In here," Juliet responds to the voice, which I now realise belongs to her sister Marian.

"Is everything…oh," Marian stops as she leans against the doorframe in her team jacket with her hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. The faintest hint of chlorine drifts into the room as Marian studies the both of us with extreme scrutiny, her eyes bouncing from me to Juliet and back again. She clearly wasn't expecting anyone but Juliet to be home.

"Hi," I say awkwardly, hoping to relieve some of the tension.

"Sam Kingston," Marian says, watching me with suspicion in her eyes, her tone the same, and I would almost go so far as to say that she sounded displeased. Shouldn't she be happy, I did save her sister's life, but then again I was part of the reason she tried to end it in the first place.

"That's me," I reply, much more awkwardly this time. Marian gives me one lingering look before shifting her full attention onto Juliet.

"Are you guys okay?" she asks, much softer than she was with me.

"Yes, we're fine," Juliet answers her sister, flashing her a smile. "You can go now."

"Okay, talk to me later if you need to," Marian says finally before leaving, taking the chemical scent in the air with her. I turn back to Juliet, who sits smiling to herself, stopping when I catch her.

"We've been much closer after the accident," She explains, and by that I assume she means her sister, who I guess from that encounter has been rather protective of her.

"Me and my sister have too," I admit, thinking of all the great bonding time I've had with Izzy since waking up.

"It still feels like they're smothering me," Juliet confesses. "The few weeks after the accident everyone kept a constant eye on me in case I was still a risk."

"It means they care about you," I tell her, smiling as I think of my family at my bedside, who I will never take for granted again. "The accident made me appreciate my family so much more. So I don't mind if they fuss over me."

"But you're on crutches," Juliet counters me, giving the impression that she feels their attention unnecessary. "I just-"

"Need their support," I assure her. "Don't shut them out."

My eyes catch the clock on the wall, and I discretely check my phone in my pocket because I'm honestly not sure if the clock has the right time, but it turns out it does. It's later than I intended to be.

"I should probably get going," I announce, digging around in my pocket for a piece of scrap paper I shoved in there before I left with the intention of giving it to Juliet. I hoist myself back into my crutches and we make our way over to the front door. Before I leave I turn to Juliet and hold the piece of paper out to her. She takes it, reluctantly.

"Here's my number. Please use it." Are the last words I say before swinging out the front door. As I get in the car I think I see Juliet give me a small nod, I can't be sure, but I do know she shoved the piece of paper into the pocket of her cardigan. I don't know what to expect from this. I know that we won't be friends straight away and it's going to take a while for her to trust me, but I hope she does. I want to see the person trapped beneath the despair, get to know her, maybe even consider her a friend. I drive off wondering about when I'll hear from her next, will it be when I go back to school, will it be this weekend, will it not happen at all? But I drive off with a sense of relief that we both got the closure we wanted from each other, hoping that closure won't just be it.


	11. Chapter 11

"I can't," Despaired Juliet, staring out of her sister's bedroom window at the street below, her cell phone caged loosely in her fingers. It felt like if she lost concentration for a second the phone would drop from her hands onto the carpet.

"Yes you can," Encouraged Marian from where she sat on her bed.

As soon as Sam had left their house, Juliet had gone straight to Marian and discussed everything with her, asking her for advice on what she should do. And after a thirty minute long phone call with Kent the both of them had eventually convinced Juliet to call the number, but she was still unsure. Everything that had happened in the last two hours was so overwhelming she could barely register that it had happened. She finally had the answers she'd been waiting for, and Samantha Kingston no longer wanted to hurt her, only help her. This was confusing enough as is, but there was the added fact that Sam seemed to actually know what she was talking about, and saw solutions to Juliet's endless misery that she herself could not. One part of her told her not to do it, that they'd been through too much for there to ever be any positive relationship between them and that she owed Sam nothing, but the other part was telling her that not taking this opportunity could prove to be a choice she regretted.

"I don't know what to say to her," Confessed Juliet, who was now beginning to pace around Marian's room. She could feel her palms start to sweat, her cell phone becoming slippery in her hands. She almost wanted to throw the thing across the room.

From on her bed, Marian let out a quiet sigh as she watched her sister's distressed pacing. She wished she could help her make better sense of it all but it was just as baffling for her. That accident had turned everything messy and all she wanted to do was make it a little easier for Juliet as she stumbled blindly though it, but she didn't know how.

"Just tell her that you're willing to let her try and help," suggested Marian, toying with a loose thread on the blanket draped over the end of her bed. "She seemed genuine enough earlier."

"But that's the thing, I don't know if I can trust her," Whittled Juliet, her blue eyes wide and brimming with confusion.

"Don't trust her, make her earn it," Marian replied almost instantly, a much sterner tone to her voice. If were down to her, Marian thought, she would manipulate this girls guilt as much as she could for what she'd done to her sister, but it wasn't. It was Juliet's choice on how to handle this, and she and Marian were rather different in this aspect. And as long as she doesn't try to act like nothing has happened Marian could be supportive. "If she really wants to help then she'll prove herself."

"Ok." Juliet nodded in agreement, hair coming loose from behind her ears and falling in her eyes. She stopped pacing, standing still for a second before sitting down on the edge of her sister's bed. Setting the cell phone down beside her, Juliet glanced over at Marian for reassurance and was met with an encouraging smile. Juliet then unlocked her phone, pulled the crumpled piece of paper with Sam's number written on it out of her pocket, and dialled.

When the phone rings I expect it to be Kent, but when I look at the screen I see that it's an unsaved number. Something jumps in my chest as I think that it might be Juliet, but I'm also questioning whether she would call this soon. I answer on the third ring, anticipating the sound of the voice on the other end.

"Hey," A soft voice on the other end says. It's too quiet to recognise right away, but I think that suggests that it's her.

"Juliet? Is that you?" I ask the person, because I want to be certain.

"Yes," The voice on the other end answers timidly. A burst of warmth spreads through my chest and I let out a happy sigh.

"I'm so glad you called. What's up?" I say, possibly a little too enthusiastic but I don't really care, this means that I must've got through to her this afternoon, whether she's calling to accept my help or to tell me to leave her alone, it means that she listened to what I said today.

"I've thought a lot about what you said earlier," She explains, her voice wavering a little less this time.

"Yeah," I encourage her to continue, picking at the fluff on one of my pillows. I'm anxious to hear what she's going to say next. I really want her to let me help, and not entirely out of guilt, I want to use this opportunity to get to know her. I feel like I should see her for who she really is and not how other people think of her, I think she deserves to have people like me see the real her.

"And I decided that I'm going to let you help me, if you think you can," She says, and I can feel the relief and happiness sink into my body, I almost forget how much pain I'm in for a second.

"Oh that's great," I beam down the phone, surprised laughter swirling between my words.

"But," she adds sternly, causing me to fall silent. She continues "But I want to get a few things straight first."

"Ok, sure," I agree, my voice a little quieter this time. It's my turn to listen to her now.

"First of all, things won't magically change overnight," She begins. "I haven't forgotten what you've done and I won't either. You want me to trust you then you're going to have to prove that I can."

Her voice is strong and stern, much more confident than when she started this phone call so timidly. It takes me a second to realise how much strength this must be taking her, how easy it would've been for her to just tell me to leave her alone, but instead she's letting me in and not being too afraid to set boundaries, letting me know that it's her calling the shots. It makes me admire her a little bit.

"I expected nothing less," I tell her. "I never expected anything immediate and I know that I'm a long way off being trustworthy, but I am willing to work to prove that you can trust me." I swear I hear her let out a sigh of relief on the other end.

"Secondly I want to know what your plan is for school," She continues to explain her terms. "Are you going to act the same in school as you are out of school or is this going to become some sort of dirty little secret?"

"Understandable," I respond, ready to give her my answer. "I plan on keeping it consistent. Me and Kent are going to go public shamelessly as soon as I'm back, and if anyone has any questions about why I'm suddenly so different I'm prepared to answer them. Including ones about you."

"And the last one," she says, and I hear a slight wobble in the confidence in her voice.

"Yeah," I encourage her to continue.

"You can't tell anyone," she definitely sounds a lot softer now, more vulnerable. "About what really happened."

"No, of course I won't," I reassure her immediately, feeling slightly guilty that she felt the need to tell me not to in the first place. I've kept enough secrets for my friends, and I would never purposefully tell anyone her secret about the night of the accident.

"But I want you to understand that things at school might not be as simple as they should be, that people are going to be suspicious," I tell her. While I won't tell anybody the truth about that night, people are going to be asking all sorts of questions when I go back. Kent's only told me a handful of the rumours surrounding the accident that have been passed around school and responsibility is going to fall on me to confirm or deny them. The two of us are tangled up in this mess in a way that we can't comfortably get out, and while I want to make things easier for her, god knows she deserves it, I just can't.

"I know," she answers, a little flatly but still understanding.

"It's going to be okay," I reassure her, wishing I could know for certain. "I want to make sure you get better."

"Thanks," She says softly, I can almost picture her smiling.

"Also I'm back at school on Monday, just so you know," I inform her, quickly thinking of it as I realise that our conversation is coming to an end. The line goes silent for a second.

"Ok," Juliet eventually replies. "See you then, I guess."

"See you then," I respond. "Bye."

I hear a soft bye in response and then the phone call ends.


	12. Chapter 12

My heart is hammering in my chest, pumping faster as each second goes by while an electric current shoots its way around my body so I feel like I'm tingling all over. My fingers are twitching in my lap and everything in me is desperate to move. I'm nervous, but it's a good kind of nervous.

I look out of the window and watch the masses of people passing us by, shuffling in the same direction, clutching onto their morning coffee. I want to be out there and moving with them. I take a slow breath, preparing myself for the impact of what I'm about to do, of how things here will never be the same again once I've done it.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kent asks from the driver's seat, fiddling with a piece of hair that had fallen in his eyes. I look at him. I can see in his face that he's nervous about this too, and I move my hand over the gearstick and place it in his.

"Absolutely," I say, smiling. He squeezes my hand before letting go.

"You nervous?" He asks, drumming his fingers against his leg.

"A little," I answer. He looks at me and smiles, causing dimples to form in his cheeks and his green eyes to soften as they sweep over my face.

"Yeah, me too," He adds.

"It'll be fine," I tell him. He nods.

"So, are you ready to go?" Kent asks his final question before we leave his car and head into the outside world as a couple.

"Yeah," I answer, feeling the nerves and excitement spark in my veins.

"Let's do this, baby," Kent grins at me before grabbing his messenger bag from the back seat and getting out of the car. I unbuckle my seatbelt, pick up my purse and wait for Kent to come open my door, aware that our last few moments of privacy are about to end.

Kent pulls my crutches out from the back seat and passes them too me once he's opened my door, helping me out of the car as I get comfortable on my crutches. Because I'm going to spend most of the day sitting down I don't need my wheelchair, but there's one on standby in the nurses office should I start to feel too much pain. We start making our way towards the school entrance, students dodging and whispering around us. I know the girls haven't told anyone, otherwise my phone would've been inundated with texts by now.

I'm not entirely sure what the plan is, whether we're going to kiss at the lockers, sit together at lunch, announce it via mass text, write our initials on the wall in a heart. The only thing I do know is that by the end of the day, all of Jefferson high will know that Kent McFuller and I are a couple. I feel everyone's eyes on us as we get closer to the front doors, a few people stop and congratulate me on my recovery but pay no attention to Kent. I look around to see if the girls are here yet but there's no sign of them.

Once we're inside I ask Kent if we can go to my locker. He gets my books out for me and puts them in my purse, and then helps my purse onto my shoulder before darting off to use the bathroom quickly. He told me to wait here and that he was going to walk me to homeroom when he gets back, so while I wait a watch everyone pass me by in the halls. I watch the freshman and sophomores, so desperate to fit in. It makes me want to go up to all of them and tell them how little being popular matters, how they're all perfect the way they are. I look at the juniors and think how I was in their shoes one year ago, how much I thought I knew. I look at the kids walking to class on their own and wonder how they're feeling, look at the people I've known all my life and think about how they've got it all wrong, what matters in life. I'm so emerged in watching people that I don't even register the person talking to me until they say my name. I look up to see who it is, an uncomfortable feeling settling in my stomach when I see Rob looking down at me.

"Hey, Sam," He says again, this time with my attention.

"Hi, Rob," I reply, trying to look round for any signs of Kent without being obvious.

"Did you get my card?" he asks, looking almost nervous. It makes me feel even more uncomfortable.

"Yeah I did, thank you," I say, because it's the nice thing to do.

"It's good to see you back," He adds.

"Thanks," He shuffles from foot to foot, his hands clasped behind his back. I can tell he's about to make this uncomfortable encounter even worse.

"And hey, about all that breaking up stuff," He starts, and I immediately cut him off.

"You're not going to ask me to get back together, are you?" I say sternly.

"Um, well kinda," He mumbles.

"What makes you think I've changed my mind?"

"The accident. I thought that maybe it gave you time to think about stuff," He continues.

"It did," I tell him.

"Then why don't you want to get back together with me?" he almost shouts, clearly getting frustrated, if only he could see that this was the exact reason why I will never be getting back together with him, Kent or no.

"Because I'm seeing someone else," I blurt out. Rob stops in his tracks.

"Really? Already?" he questions, remnants of anger still remaining. "Who is he?"

"None of your business, that's who," I spit back, not quite as hostile as he's being.

"You can't just do this," He snarls.

"Well I can, and I have," I snap back at him. "Now if you don't mind, I need to get to class."

"You're not the Sam I knew," He moves in closer, looking down at me under the bridge of his baseball cap. I square up to him as best as I can on these crutches.

"She doesn't exist anymore," I spit, glaring up at him. "Now Rob, can you just go."

"Fine," He huffs, strutting off in the opposite direction. I let out a huge sigh of relief.

Like a second after Rob walks off Kent comes back. I tell him what happened and then we start making our way to my homeroom class. I start thinking that I want to do this soon, I want to rip the band aid off so I don't have to spend the rest of the day anticipating the right moment. A plan starts bubbling away in my mind. Kent and I don't have any classes together today so we won't see each other again until lunch. We talk about texting each other between classes and he tells me where to find him at lunch. I see the door to my homeroom, students lurching through it single file the way everyone does on a Monday morning when nobody wants to be there. We reach the door and just as I'm about to walk in I stop, turning around so not only are we blocking anyone else from entering, but almost everyone inside can see us too.

"Okay, so I'll see you at lunch," Kent says awkwardly, aware that everyone is staring at us. I grin at him.

"See you at lunch," I reply. This is it, I'm doing this now. I make one quick look over my shoulder before inching a little closer to Kent, leaning in and kissing him firmly on the lips.

Kent seems a little surprised at first, but soon kisses me back. People in the halls are whooping behind us, and I can hear people start whispering in my homeroom. Once we stop Kent shuffles off to his homeroom and I swing myself into class on my crutches. I can tell my face is all pink and blotchy from the thrill of what I just did but I don't care as I take a seat at the front of the class, watching everyone look at me with utter silence as I sit down.

The day goes just as I expect it to. The news about my little display outside homeroom gets around pretty fast, which I knew would happen as Courtney, who is best friends with Tara Flute, and one of 'the pugs' as Lindsay calls them, is in my homeroom. In a way I think I was counting on her texting the info to Tara who would them text it to the entire school. I've had questions but none of them have been mean; some a little passive aggressive, like Tara when she asked why I dumped hot, popular Rob for Kent, but nobody has been rude so far. By the time I leave fifth period and start heading to lunch, I'm practically radiating happiness.

Kent told me then on the lunches when he's not working on The Tribulation, he sits on a small square table on the outskirts of the senior section, usually alone, but ever since the accident Juliet has been sitting with him. When I get close to the cafeteria people move out of the way to let me through, and I quickly spot Kent after moving through the parted crowd. Juliet isn't there yet, and Kent waves me over. I make my way to the table and take the seat next to his, him kissing me once I've sat myself down comfortably.

"So, how's your day been?" asks Kent, his cheeks just a little bit pink.

"Fine, better than I expected," I explain. "People have been asking me if it's true but nobody's been outright rude. What about you?"

"Not too different," he says. "I've had a couple of the jocks being jerks about it, and you're wonderful friends over there whispering freak when I passed them in the halls." he looks behind us at my old table where Lindsay, Ally and Elody sit scowling over in our direction. "But other than that it's been pretty normal."

"That's good," I reply. I figured Kent would get it worse than I would however people took it.

"So, what do you want for lunch?" asks Kent.

"Double roast beef sandwich please," I say without even having to think about it.

"Coming right up," He says as he gets up to leave, kissing my cheek as he passes. Once he's gone I rummage around in my purse for my painkillers and water bottle, realising that I'm due my next dose. I pop the white ovals out of the packet and slip them in my mouth, swallowing them down with water. When I tilt my head back forwards I see that there's an unwanted visitor sat on my table.

"Really?" says Rob angrily. "That guy?"

"Get lost Rob," I say, trying my best to ignore him.

"No, you can't just dump me for a freak like him and not tell me why," He demands, eyes wide and angry under his baseball cap. If I wasn't on crutches I would be getting ready to slap him across the face right now.

"Don't call him that," I snarl at Rob.

"Really Sam? I mean look at him," he scoffs, pointing his arm over to where Kent stands in the lunch queue. "Did that accident knock the brain cells out of your head?"

"No, if anything they knocked them into place," I fire back at him, getting angrier now.

"What?" Rob spits in disbelief. "You left me for a total dork, how is that better?"

"I left you, Rob, because you're an asshole who wasn't treating me with respect," I snap.

"Excuse me," He almost chokes the words he seems so shocked.

"You didn't love me, you were just hoping I'd give you what you wanted, that is not respect," I tell him. His entire face wrinkles with confusion, before the anger returns to his eyes.

"What and I suppose that freak's much better than me, huh?" he says sarcastically.

"Yeah, actually. He is," I say, with as much false sweetness as I can manage. "You might be popular, an athlete, and that might matter to people who are too brainwashed or superficial to know what really counts in life," I rant to him, watching the utter confusion on his face and enjoying it. "But I am not one of those people, not anymore, and quite frankly, you're a dick. But you can't see it because everyone's too far up your ass because you're hot and can play sports."

"What the hell happened to you?" he says, staring at me like I might as well be an alien.

"I grew up," I reply flatly.

"Well that freak is welcome to you, crazy bitch," He snarls, looking down his nose at me before getting up off the table.

"Good, because he treats me ten times better than you ever did," I yell back at him.

Rob mumbles something incoherent before storming off. I shout a patronising goodbye at him and watch as he stomps around the cafeteria heading towards Lindsay's table. Its laughable how much I used to want him, how I thought he had everything that was important in a boyfriend. Kent returns with our sandwiches and I kiss him on the lips, thinking how lucky I am for having this chance to be with him.

"Mm, what was that for?" Asks Kent, pleasantly surprised by my sudden affection.

"Just because," I beam at him, grabbing my sandwich and taking a massive bite. I watch the colour flourish in his cheeks, grinning so wide it's making it hard for me to chew my sandwich. I sit there watching all the little movements he makes, the way he holds his sandwich, the way he keeps glancing over at me. I'm so wrapped up in watching him that I don't even realise someone else has sat down until Kent starts talking.

"Hey, Juliet," He says, his voice constrained with the effort of trying to talk and swallow his sandwich at the same time. I turn to face her, suddenly aware that it's no longer just me and Kent sat here. Juliet sits down opposite Kent, shoving her backpack in the seat opposite me. Her blonde hair is down and hanging in her face, so much that I can't actually see it. She's wearing a baggy button down shirt with no collar; it looks like a tunic, only with buttons, with little intersecting grey diamonds all over it. The usual brown paper bag she always carries at lunch sat on the table in front of her.

"Hey," She replies, fishing around for something in her backpack, not looking at us. I wonder if she's deliberately not looking because I'm here. I wait until she's pulled a half empty water bottle and a thick black notebook out of her bag before saying hi.

"So, the big public reveal was a success," Says Juliet, now looking at both of us. " I overheard everyone talking about it during fourth period."

"Yeah," I happily confirm. "It's gone better than I expected actually."

"Kent?" asks Juliet, wanting to hear his side of the story.

"Yeah it's been about how I expected it to be," He explains, supporting my version. Juliet gives a small nod of approval before pulling a sandwich, apple, bag of chips and chocolate bar out of the brown bag. So that's what she keeps in there. I don't know why I'm surprised, it's hardly unusual for kids who bring lunch from home to carry it in a grocery bag but for some reason I was expecting something different. All those years discussing what could be in there with Lindsay, Elody and Ally makes me feel like I've just seen the answer to some age old riddle, but I realise that's probably an inappropriate way to feel so I shake the thoughts from my head and carry on eating my lunch.

"Are you okay?" I ask Juliet, watching her make her way through the sandwich very slowly.

"Fine," She says between bites, almost curtly. I give Kent a look, wondering if this is normal or if she's being off with me but he just shrugs. I notice he's watching her eat out of the corner of his eye but don't ask him about it.

We finish eating in silence and then Kent and Juliet talk for a little bit, me listening because I have no clue how to make small talk with Juliet as I know almost nothing about her. After their conversation she opens the notebook and starts scribbling away in it for the rest of our lunch period so Kent and I have a small amount of privacy. We talk, our fingers laced together on the table top. It feels so nice to be doing this, to have everyone see and neither of us give a damn.

After the bell that signals the ends of lunch sounds through the cafeteria we say goodbye to Juliet as she grabs her stuff and heads off to class, and then Kent helps me get back in my crutches and walks me to sixth period.

"Hey, was Juliet different today?" I ask him, having been worried that me sitting with them had bothered her.

"Huh?" Kent replies, confused.

"From how she's been while I wasn't here," I clarify. "Was she acting different?"

"Not really," Kent answers. "I mean she was a little quieter today but I kind of expected that, there was nothing worrying."

"Oh okay," I say, relieved. "That's good to know."

Kent sends me off to Spanish with a kiss on the cheek, and I make my way into class with a smile on my face, thinking about how this day couldn't have gone better. The news had reached the entire senior class by fourth period and the only people who actually seemed to have something negative to say were Rob's jock friends and the pugs who'll do anything to kiss ass the popular kids. I think most people have accepted Kent because he threw a party, which while it works out in my favour with dating him, reveals a kinda pathetic truth about the priorities of my peers. However, reality comes crashing back to me like a stone dropping into my stomach when I realise Ally is in this class.

I haven't faced any of the girls today, not directly. I watch her glare at me from the back of the class as I walk in and sit down at the front, not in the seat I would usually take, the one next to hers. I take a deep breath, telling myself that I'm ready for anything she might try and throw at me. I risk a glance behind me, she's already whispering to whoever is sitting in my old spot. I shrug it off and turn forward as Mr Kummer starts class.

I get a few texts during class, some still hoping to confirm the gossip about me and Kent and a couple asking why I'm not talking to Lindsay, Elody and Ally. I don't answer them. Every time I hear whispering at the back of the class I wonder if it's Ally and what she's saying. Another text comes in. Apparently none of the girls will comment on our supposed fight, as the text I received indicated that Lindsay got rather hostile when asked by Tara Flute about why we weren't hanging out. I do my best to pay attention to Spanish and not think about the girls, and it would've worked better had I not missed a month of school and am now struggling to keep up. I'm thankful when the bell signals the end of class.

As I grab my crutches from the floor and get ready to leave I watch Ally saunter past my desk. She drops a screwed up piece of pink paper on my desk without looking at me, and then walks out of class. I recognise the paper from Elody's notebook.

The note reads:

 _Have fun eating with the freaks?_

 _Psycho given you rabies yet?_

 _Xx_

Lindsay's handwriting. A ball of anger builds up in my chest but I soon squash it down. Pathetic, I think as I throw the note in the trash and leave the classroom.

The rest of the day passes by more or less the same, people texting wanting answers about this supposed fight that no one will confirm, people wanting to know what I did, like they automatically assume it was my fault. By the time the day ends I'm beyond ready to go home.

I meet Kent by the front entrance where we walk back to his car, he's holding my stuff for me.

"So, how was the rest of your day?" he asks.

"Ally was in Spanish but didn't really do anything except hand me this pathetic note which I threw in the trash," I tell him. "Everyone's been asking about why I'm not talking to the girls but by the sounds of things they haven't said anything."

"Interesting," Kent muses.

"It'll be interesting to see how the rest of the week goes," I say. "What about you?"

"Still a little abuse from the jocks but nothing bad," He says.

"Then I think all in all today was a success," I add.

I walk the rest of the way to his car reflecting on the day, thinking about how few people cared, and I find myself almost eager to come back tomorrow, just so I can be ready to take on whatever they will throw at me.


	13. Chapter 13

The little clock on the mantel piece's hands move to indicate another second has passed by. I have the TV on so that I can't hear its subtle ticking. I look down at my hands resting in my lap, flexing my fingers before clasping them back in my lap again. I check my phone for no apparent reason and then drop it back at my side, no texts, no missed calls, just a quick flash of the picture of me and Kent I have as my lock screen and the time in big bold numbers.

By now I've convinced myself that she isn't coming, and I don't really blame her if she doesn't. It was my idea, I suggested it at lunch on Wednesday when Kent said that he was going to visit his grandma this weekend, and with Kent being the only person who wants to see me at the moment I invited Juliet over for the afternoon, partly so I wouldn't be lonely but also because I want to get to know her without Kent being there. She agreed, but looked rather at me rather suspiciously when I suggested it, and it's now fifteen minutes past the time we arranged so I'm pretty sure she's not coming.

The doorbell rings.

"Just a minute," I yell over the TV, grabbing one of my crutches and hoisting myself off the couch. I've started trying to walk with one crutch now, but only in the house. I make my way to the front door and awkwardly get it open, just before It swings open wide enough to reveal who is on the other side I think once more that she hasn't turned up and it's just the mailman, but surely enough Juliet Sykes stands on the other side of my front door.

"Hey," I say, flashing her a big smile.

"Hi," She replies quietly, her eyes dropping to the floor for a second.

"I'm glad you came," I add, which makes her look back up at me.

"Thanks," She smiles, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"Come on in," I beckon, shifting my weight out of the way so she can get in.

"Ok," She agrees. I lead her to the den where we both sit down on the big couch. I sit where my phone rests on the cushion and my other crutch lies on the floor, she sits at the other end. I shift on my side so I'm facing her a bit more and she does the same once she realises that I had moved. Her hair is down but not in her face, and she's wearing a shirt the colour of caramel with long sleeves, with a loose brown sleeveless knitted thing over the top of it and pants to match. I'd always judged the fact she wore bland colours and baggy clothes, thinking they looked ugly, but now I realise they suit her.

"So," She says quietly, chewing her lip.

"So," I reply, realising how uncomfortable the word sounded as soon as it left my mouth. I cringe. "Oh my god I'm sorry, I swore I wasn't going to make this awkward," I say, laughing uncomfortably.

"Was there any way it wasn't going to be?" Juliet replies, with a dull but blunt tone to her voice.

"You have a point," I admit, pausing to try and think of a way to make this less awkward. Eventually, under the pressure of this uncomfortable moment an idea hits me.

"Okay, try not to think of it as you and me," I suggest. "Try to think of it as a girl wanting to get to know her boyfriend's friend, does that work?" and really, if there wasn't so much history between us that's all this would be.

"We can try that," She agrees. I let out a relieved sigh. A moment of silence passes and I try to conjure up something to say to make sure it doesn't become uncomfortable again.

"So how've you been?" I go with, watching her blink as she considers her answer.

"Okay, yeah," She says, smiling at me. I believe her. "Having you sit with us at lunch hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be."

I want ask what she means by that, but realise quickly that I'm in no position to. I can tell by the scared look that flashes in her eyes for less than a second that she regrets saying it, that she feels like she's overstepped some invisible boundary and I'm about to get angry at her. It makes me feel a little worse.

"And you've seemed happy," I add, hoping that makes her feel better. Showing that her comment didn't bother me.

"Thanks," She replies softly, averting her gaze away from me for a second.

"You seem much better," I continue, hoping that if I keep saying nice things to her she'll relax a bit more. "You know, from the first one on one we had after everything." And it's true, I've certainly noticed it at school. She doesn't shuffle when she walks and her hair isn't always hanging in her face, she even gives me a timid smile when we pass in the halls and talks to me sometimes at lunch, though she mostly sits reading a library book or drawing.

"It's been difficult, but I finally feel like I'm getting there," She admits, almost hesitantly, like she hadn't said it out loud before.

"That's great," I beam. Juliet grins back at me but still looks a little nervous.

"Well enough about me, how about you?" she says, with a little more confidence this time.

"I'm good. Still in quite a bit of pain but I don't notice it as much," I explain, watching her take my words in. "I haven't been off the crutches much but my physio says I should get there soon, and Kent has been a great help distracting me from everything."

"You guys seem really happy together," She interjects, causing me to grin like an idiot.

"Thank you," I reply, trying to contain my smile. It's so surreal, the second chance I got, I make sure to remember how lucky I am every day. "I know how lucky I got with Kent. He really is a great guy."

"He's been a really good friend to me over the past few weeks. He even got me drawing again," Juliet adds.

"That's great," I reply, happy to hear she's getting better and living her life again.

"And he got me into reading," she continues. "This reminds me, if he ever tries to get you to read something, check if it's part of a series first. I've committed myself to forty one books." I laugh.

"Kent says you don't have to read all of them to understand the series but I can't not," Juliet explains, a little amusement present in her voice now.

"How many down so far?" I ask.

"Five," She answers, trying to feign annoyance but still sounding amused. We laugh a little.

"It's a start," I tell her. "But to be honest I'm not really that much of a reader."

"Maybe it's something you should try as part of the whole 'new you' thing," She says, and I smile because not only is it a good idea, but I think this might be the most relaxed conversation the two of us have had.

"Maybe," I agree, letting out a small satisfied sigh. "So you draw, huh?"

"Yeah," Juliet answers, looking away from me to where her hands rest in her lap.

"Kent says you're really good," I add. She starts to blush a little bit.

"I don't know, I wouldn't say I have much confidence in my abilities," She replies, her gaze flicking from me to where one of her hands is now clutching the wool of her shirt and then back. "But it's something I like to do."

"You're probably better than you think," I tell her. She smiles at me, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"You sound like Kent," She says. I laugh softly.

"Maybe if enough people tell you that you're good at it then you'll start to feel like you are," I say, and I sincerely hope its true, because she deserves to believe in herself.

"Apparently that actually works, so you might be right," She adds, her voice now a little more melodic than modestly shy. "What about you, what do you do for fun?"

"I'm not sure I know any more," I answer, still a little surprised by her question. "My life used to be made up of drinking and parties and sleepovers but now I don't know if that's me anymore," I admit. I see her watching me intently as I answer, her eyes clear and focused. "I've really liked relaxing and hanging out with Kent but I'm not sure that counts," I finish, adding a small laugh at the end but I think it comes across more nervous than me making a joke. I realise that I haven't spoken to her about how I've been feeling about my change, well not any part of it that didn't directly affect her. I've been encouraging her to open up about her feelings and talk but haven't really given myself much time to think about my own, and she's listening to me, she shouldn't have to but she is.

"I can't remember the last time I went to a sleepover," Juliet confesses, her tone suddenly thoughtful and sad. I feel guilt pang in my chest.

"That's really sad," I tell her, wanting to reach out and place my hand on her arm or shoulder.

"It's not," She dismisses me, shaking her head and looking up at me with lightless eyes.

"Yeah it is," I say, a little firmer this time but still soft. I look at her and my chest hurts, heavy with guilt as I think about all how she must feel and knowing that I played a part in causing all of it.

"Hey, I don't want push or anything but maybe we could have one," I start, driven by guilt and unable to stop myself. "You know, when you're ready and I'm no longer on crutches and everything, you know, so I can remind you how fun they are." I realise that it wasn't the best idea but the words just keep tumbling out and it's too late to stop now so I just try and put as little pressure on her as possible. I watch her eyes go wide at my suggestion and then blink disbelievingly at me as I continue to spew the words out hoping that I haven't made her too uncomfortable. She's looking at me like a rabbit poking its head tentatively out of the hole for the first time and seeing the big wide world. I wish she'd say something.

"I'll think about it," She answers quietly after a few seconds of silence, not looking at me.

I let out a sigh of relief so loud I wonder how she didn't hear it and then swiftly change the subject. After that the tension floats away and our conversation gets relaxed again pretty quickly. We talk about our sisters and favourite movies and school and Kent. We talk about college and how I'm considering taking a year out, and Juliet tells me how she didn't apply because she didn't think she'd make it to graduation, let alone starting college. I tell her that she can apply next year, that I think it would be good for her. I also tell her how pretty I think she is. Our conversations get a little deeper when we start talking about elementary school, and I think for a second Juliet considers telling me the real story of her, Lindsay and the camping trip but she doesn't. She has no idea that she's already told me, on a different day, in a different life. I have no idea how much time has passed until my front door slams shut.

"Sam Honey, we're home," My parents call from out in the hall.

"In the den," I call back to them, then turning to Juliet.

"That'll be my parents," I tell her. She looks visibly scared. She's shrunken in her seat, a startled expression etched into her features.

"Oh its okay, they knew you were coming," I reassure her. She blinks at me and tries to offer me a smile, but it just comes out looking awkward and forced. Before I have any more time to talk to her my parents and sister have entered the room.

"Hello girls, have you been having a good time," My mom says cheerily as she steps in the room, standing right in front of the couch. I watch her as she looks Juliet over and then turns her focus back to me.

"Yeah, it's been fun," I tell her. Juliet nods her head in agreement. Mom obviously notices how tense Juliet is because she sends a warm smile in her direction.

"No need to be shy sweetie, I'm Ellen," Says mom, taking one step closer to Juliet's side of the couch.

"Juliet," She replies, lifting her head to meet my mom's eyes. She's quiet but her voice isn't shaky, and she returns my mom's smile.

"Nice to meet you," Mom says, but before Juliet can respond Izzy comes running into the room and jumps into the space between me and Juliet on the couch, almost knocking me sideways.

"Sammy!" she exclaims, crawling closer to me but just enough that she's not sitting on me. I run my hand through her hair. "Who's your friend?"

"This is Juliet," I tell her, using the arm that isn't wrapped around Izzy's shoulders to indicate towards Juliet. "This is my sister Izzy."

"Hi Juliet," Izzy says, waving down the couch. Juliet gives her a little wave in return. "Hey, you're the girl Sammy saved aren't you?" I startle a little at Izzy's question, and so does Juliet.

"Um, yeah she is," I say so Juliet doesn't have to. Izzy then inches a little further down the couch towards Juliet. I look at mom to see if she'll intervene and her eyes tell me that she won't just yet.

"You made Sammy a hero," Izzy beams. Juliet's eyes widen and her mouth falls open slightly, and I look once more at mom, this time with a bit more desperation. It's not Izzy's fault, there's no way we could tell her the whole truth of what happened that night, all she knows is that I stopped someone getting hit by a car and in turn got hit myself. But for us that do know, my mom included, this is already rather uncomfortable.

"Hey Iz, do you want to help mommy in the kitchen?" Mom interrupts the moment. Relief floods into my body. "I'll let you lick the spoon."

"Yeah," Squeals Izzy, jumping off the couch. "Bye Juliet, Bye Sammy." She waves, and then skips out of the room. Mom flashes me one last smile as she follows Izzy out and then I let out a long, relieved breath, thankful for the silence in here. I look over at Juliet to make sure she's okay and quickly realise she's crying.

"Oh," I gasp in my surprise, my thoughts frantic and muddled as I try to think of something I can do. When she realises I've noticed she starts sobbing even harder, dropping her head into her hands as her hair curtain comes down. I inch over to her, ignoring the screaming from my ribs and aching in my legs.

"Is everything okay?" I murmur, placing my hand on her shaking shoulder. She pulls her hair out of her face and looks at me, her wide watery eyes barely meeting mine.

"They don't hate me," She says so quietly I almost miss it. "They know what I did and they don't hate me."

"Of course they don't, why would they?" I say softly, hoping that I'm not projecting my internal panic outwards because I have no idea what I'm doing here. I feel Juliet take a long breath, her shoulder easing down as she exhales.

"Because I'm-" she starts, but is overcome by sobs. Without thinking I pull her against me so her head is resting on my shoulder. My entire body shouts in protest and I'm lucky she was sat on the side that I haven't broken ribs.

"Shh," I whisper, running my hand along her arm. "Whatever you're thinking right now probably isn't true." I grit my teeth against the pain spreading though my entire body as Juliet leans into me and cries. Her body is slightly cold against mine and her hair feels soft and smells very sweet. It makes me think of all the awful comments we made about it being knotty and feeling like straw. I wonder how many more of those seemingly little comments we've made, how many I've forgotten. I want to apologise for each and every one of them.

Juliet's breathing starts to steady a little. I can feel how each breath moves her thin frame under my arm. Once the sobbing stops she sits herself up, my arm falling from around her shoulders to sit back at my side. She shifts her hair out of her face and wipes her eyes with her sleeves.

"God, I'm sorry. I'm so pathetic," Splutters Juliet, wiping the remaining tears from her blotchy pink cheeks.

"No you're not, this is completely understandable," I assure her, putting my arm back over her shoulders. "I get it."

"I Just-" she starts, but I cut her off.

"Stop trying to explain yourself, there's no need," I tell her. A few silent tears slip down her cheeks but she quickly wipes them away.

"I'm sorry. Today was going so well and I just ruined it," She says, blame and self- hatred filling her shaky voice.

"No you didn't, this can't have been easy for you," I counter her, keeping my voice soft and comforting. "I've been worried about screwing things up all day."

"It's not the same," She says dismissively, catching another tear in the corner of her eye with her sleeve.

"How?" I question her. "If anyone here should be feeling guilty it's me." She looks at me then, eyes wide and shiny with unshed tears. Her mouth is hanging open like she wants to protest but cant because she knows I'm right. I smile at her.

"I'll go get you a glass of water and then you can go home, okay?" I say.

"Okay," She nods in agreement. I grab one of my crutches.

"I'll be right back," I tell her and then swing my way out to the kitchen. Mom and Izzy are baking cupcakes in there and there's batter everywhere and a packet of specialised stickers unopened on the counter for when they're done. I tell them what I'm doing, and that Juliet will be leaving soon, and they go back to what they were doing as swing out of the room trying not to spill anything. When I return, Juliet drinks the water in silence and then gets ready to leave. I walk her to the door.

"Ok, drive safely home," I tell her, and she nods, stepping off the porch and towards her car.

"And I had fun today," I call out of the door before she can reach her car. She turns around, her eyes alight with disbelief and what looks a little like happiness.

"Me too," She replies, smiling. I return it and watch her get into her car and drive away, before heading back inside. I think about this afternoon, and hope that we will make more steps like this to build bridges between us.


	14. Chapter 14

The chair is uncomfortable and rigid beneath me as I sit waiting, the only noise is the slow, rhythmic dripping of a leaky faucet. I check my phone for a reply but I still haven't got one. After the long talk I had with Juliet at the weekend we've been talking a little more at school too, and I texted her about ten minutes ago to meet me in the old science wing bathroom before lunch but she hasn't responded yet. I sit for a while, looking up at the wads of wet toilet paper stuck to the ceiling and thinking about the time I got high in here with Anna Cartullo after making out with Mr Daimler. I cringe just thinking about it. I've kinda been wanting to talk to Anna since coming back to school but I haven't seen her around. I'm distracted when my phone buzzes in the pocket of my North Face.

 **Okay. Why there?**

The text reads. I start typing back a reply.

 **Because it's empty and I have an idea.**

A few seconds later my phone buzzes again.

 **What kind of idea?**

 **Nothing bad, I promise. Just come to the bathroom and find out.**

 **Alright. I'm on my way.**

Three minutes later Juliet walks into the bathroom.

"Hey," she says, standing opposite where my chair rests against the wall.

"Hey, you look pretty today," I reply, looking at the soft blue tunic top she's wearing under thick grey cardigan. I've been giving her little compliments almost every day since coming back, and I hope that they feel genuine to her rather than just a product of my guilt, of which they are both. Kent said he thinks it's nice.

"Thanks," She quietly responds, fiddling with her sleeve. She then looks right at me. "So why did you want me to meet you in here anyway? Too embarrassed to speak to me in the hall?" I go to tell her no, but she cuts me off.

"I'm kidding," She says, smiling a little. I feel a flash of annoyance spread through me but quickly shrug it off, I deserve worse than just joking reminders of how I used to be. "But seriously why are we in here?" She asks.

"Because I want to do something, if you'll let me of course," I explain. She looks at me even more confused than she did when she walked in.

"Um, depends what the-" she starts, but stops when we hear someone open the bathroom door. I watch Juliet's eyes dart towards the door and I crane my neck as far as I can as we watch Anna Cartullo walking into the bathroom. She stops when she sees us, her eyes narrowing as she takes in the sight of two people in her space.

"What the hell are you two doing in here?" she asks, her voice a little territorial.

"We knew it would be empty," I say, looking up at her. "And it's a public bathroom, we are allowed to be in here."

"I know that," Anna replies, folding her arms over her chest. "I just wasn't expecting anyone to be in here, that's all."

"I'm sure we won't be in here long," I inform her. Juliet looks over at me from where she's moved by the sinks.

"It would be helpful if I knew why we were even in here at all," She says to me, chewing her lip as she leans against the sink counter. Anna looks over at Juliet and she blinks, dropping her eyes to the floor like something just landed on her shoe.

"Are you bothering her?" asks Anna, turning towards me, a suspicious look in her eye. It makes me wonder what she thinks I could've possibly done, being on crutches and all. Although after a second she pauses mid stride, like she was about to say something else but stopped herself. "Oh wait, you're cool now, I forgot," She says, smirking at me a little bit. I'm not really sure what to say to her.

"So tell me," she starts enthusiastically, smirking even more as she lifts herself up so she's sat on the sink counter next to Juliet. "What made you ditch the bitch?"

"What," I say, momentarily stunned by her bluntness. I catch Juliet quietly laughing into her sleeve behind Anna. "Oh. I just saw how we were making other people feel and I didn't want to be a part of that."

Anna raises her eyebrows at me in disbelief. "You've only just seen it now?"

"Yeah, I know," I reply, fully acknowledging how bad it sounds. Anna crosses her legs at the ankles and starts to swing them out in front of her. She's wearing those boots of hers that I ended up in. Looking at them I remember how comfortable they were and for a second I wish they were on my feet instead of the shoes I'm wearing at the moment.

"Well, better late than never I suppose," adds Anna, pushing some of her hair out of her eyes. She searches around in her bag for something before looking back up at me, grinning. "So, did you tell Lindsay what a massive bitch she is?"

"Not quite, we did have a fight though," I inform Anna. It bothers me a little how happy she seemed at the idea of me fighting with Lindsay, I hated it. But I think, others only see however much of us we let them see, so while I know there's so much more to my friends than a bunch of high school mean girls, the only thing most people see is hate.

"No shit," Anna laughs. "The whole school's been trying to find out what went down but they aren't saying shit."

"Really?" I ask, a little surprised that they've still remained completely silent about the whole thing. I would've at least expected some fabricated story about Kent to make rounds, but nothing.

"Yeah, nobody will say what caused trouble in paradise, but everyone's noticed," Explains Anna, chipping black polish off her nails as she talks. "Especially with you flaunting your new boyfriend all around the school. He's hardly the dumbass jock type." She sounds almost impressed.

"Which is exactly why I'm dating him," I tell her, straightening out on the chair as much as I can because my butt has gone numb. "I'm so done with those kind of guys, honestly." Anna laughs.

"Sounds like a good idea," She says, chipping the last flacks of black off her thumb nail.

"What's Alex done now?" I say. She shrugs.

"Nothing," She answers reflectively. Obviously he has but she's just not going to tell me.

"Well maybe next time go for a guy that didn't already have a girlfriend," I say playfully to make sure she knows I'm teasing. She shrugs again, this time a little more animated, a casual dismissal of my suggestion.

"Hey, thanks for the book by the way," Anna says after a few seconds of silence, looking up from her nails to smile at me, a genuine smile. "How did you know?"

"I just had a feeling," I answer, which despite never really having spoken to her in my life, is much more believable than the truth.

"You're cool," declares Anna. "It's a shame you were stuck with those bitches for so long," she says, which makes me want to get defensive, but I resist.

"Hey, there's more to them than how they are at school," I counter, after all they are still my friends even if we are fighting. Anna scoffs.

"I'll believe that when I see it," She says. I squash the urge to argue back, instead trying to change the subject.

"Anyway, I wasn't in here to chat," I admit, looking over Anna's shoulder to where Juliet' is leaning against the counter. "Juliet," I call. She looks up.

"Yeah," She says quietly, stepping forward so we're not talking through Anna.

"I was going to ask you before I got sidetracked," I begin to explain, making a sideways glance at Anna who is now fiddling with her lighter that she must've pulled out of her bag or pocket or something. She looks up and sticks her tongue out at me. "If you would let me put your hair up."

"Why?" Juliet says almost immediately, taking a step back.

"Because you look really pretty with your hair up," I tell her, wishing I could make her feel more comfortable in herself. "And you shouldn't feel like you have to hide yourself from everyone."

"I don't," She argues back, quiet but defensive. Her eyes narrow a little.

"Yes you do, and you shouldn't have to," I reply, softly but firmly. Juliet looks at the floor, her hair falling in her eyes and proving my point, before looking back up at me.

"Please will you let me?" I ask again, watching her chew her lip. "Just for the rest of today, if you don't like it then I'll never ask again." She blinks at me a few times, and after a long pause she eventually agrees.

"Fine," She says flatly. "I don't see why not."

"Thank you," I say excitedly. I go to grab my crutches and get up off this crappy chair but struggle getting up. "Anna, will you help me?" She looks up from where she's rummaging inside her bag again.

"Sure," She agrees, slipping off the counter and grabbing my hands. Her hands are cold as she helps me up and slips my crutches under my arms. I instruct her to get my purse off the bathroom floor and place it on the counter as I make my way over to where Juliet is standing. I lean my back against the sink counter making sure I'm supported enough that I don't need my crutches. I'm okay on one, but my right leg took a lot more damage than my left so I haven't risked walking without them yet, I've always been leant against something when I haven't been using them.

I call Juliet over, telling her to take off her backpack and stand in front of me while I ask Anna to fish my hairbrush and a hair tie out of my purse. Juliet is a little bit taller than me so I have to reach up to get the top of her head with the brush but I manage just fine. I brush out her long blonde hair, and then gather it. Her hair feels soft and thick in my hand. I grab the hair tie that I'd slipped on my wrist and tie her hair into a ponytail with it. I ask her to turn around so I can see her face, smiling when she does. She steps to the side so she can look at it herself in the mirror, giving her own reflection a shy smile as she looks herself over.

"See, you look great," I assure her, watching her blink at her reflection.

"She's telling the truth," Anna agrees. Juliet looks at the ground, the ends of her ponytail spilling down her shoulders.

"Are you happy with it?" I ask.

"Yeah," She confidently replies, whispering the word once more to her reflection.

"Okay then, should we head to lunch?" I suggest. Juliet agrees, picking her backpack up off the tile floor. I slip my purse back on my shoulder in preparation. We look at each other as we prepare to make a move.

"See you later Anna," I call as Juliet holds the door open for me, knowing that the second we leave Anna's probably got a joint ready to light.

"Bye Kingston," She replies back just as the door closes. The halls are quiet and Juliet and I make our way to lunch walking side by side. Before we reach the cafeteria I see her start to look nervous, but I tell her that she has nothing to worry about and we walk in one after the other. When we sit down, Kent kisses me on the cheek and then compliments Juliet's hair, asking where we've both been, and I think about how not all that long ago things were completely different. I think about that first February twelfth, how surprised I'd been to see Juliet without her hair covering her face and how rude I'd been to Kent at his party, never would I have even imagined that they would be the two people I'd be eating my lunch with. I think about all these huge differences in my life and how they don't really feel that different at all. But mostly, as I'm sat here I think about how thankful I am that I got this chance, and how despite my fight with my friends, all the differences I've made are completely worth it.


	15. Chapter 15

I'm in the kitchen grabbing some fruit when the doorbell goes, I drop the banana I was in the process of peeling and grab the one crutch I've been using to get around from against the counter, slinging it under my arm so I can get the door. It's mid-afternoon on a Sunday, so I know it can only be one person. I have to admit that I wasn't surprised she'd be the first to crack, but when she texted me mid-week asking if I wanted to hang out one on one so we could talk, it was pleasant and unexpected. Mom gets to the door just before I do, opening it to expose Elody standing on my porch.

"Hey Sam," She says quietly, offering me a little wave.

"Hey Elody," I reply cheerfully, giving her a welcoming smile. "Come in."

We don't hang around downstairs for very long to avoid mom asking questions about the fight or where the other girls are, instead we head right up to my room. I close the door tight behind me then drop down onto my bed, encouraging Elody to follow.

"I was so happy you called," I tell her, moving some of the pillows piled on my bed behind me to support my back. She looked a little nervous when she first sat down, but started to smile when I spoke.

"Well I thought about what you said and I realised you were right," She says, adjusting her glasses so they sit better on her face. "You could've died, I don't want to fight with you after I nearly lost you."

"I don't want to fight with you guys either, I never did," I confess, watching her features soften with each word of reassurance. "I just can't go back to behaving the way we were."

"I get it," she says softly, then pauses. "You were pretty nasty though."

I can tell she's still mad at me, but I don't think she's mad at me for changing, and I think she knows that too. She's angry with me because I caused a rift in the group, and nobody hates it when we fight more than Elody.

"I know, but I stand by what I said," I justify. "And if Lindsay cares more about her ego than our friendship then there's not much I can do."

She looks at me, confusion in her eyes magnified by her glasses. I can tell she's not quite sure what to say. I understand how this must feel for her, all she's ever wanted is just to have fun, for all of us to be happy. This fight can't just be swept under the rug, no matter the outcome it has changed us permanently, and while I can accept that things needed to change its probably a lot harder for her.

"It kinda sucks without you around," Elody says after a few moments of silence. She's smiling, but her face is sad.

"I miss you guys too," I tell her, scooting a little closer to her on the bed. "I never wanted to stop being friends with you guys, I just wanted you to accept me now that I've changed."

"I can," She declares, her voice soft and tentative like she's just confessed a massive secret. "You're still you, right?"

"Of course I am," I laugh, watching the tension leave her face. "I just talk to the dorks now."

"And date them," Elody quips, now laughing with me. We laugh together as she shuffles even closer so were sat side by side, leaning against each other as the giggling slows to a halt. It feels so good to be laughing with her, and I make a mental note to hang out with her one on one more if this goes well. She's such a lovely person, and I know she'll accept my change, It's just sad that she's so easily intimidated.

"Kent is a really good person, and he makes me happy," I tell her.

"That's good then," She smiles back.

"And I'm sure if you look past him not being popular you'll see him the way I do."

"I want to," She confesses, but something in her voice sounds sad, like she doesn't think that she has the capability, but I know she does.

"That's good," I reply, looking her right in the eye and grinning. "The kids at school who aren't popular aren't that different to us, not really. They're still people, with feelings. They still matter. And we were walking around making them feel like they didn't, like our actions didn't have consequences, and for what?"

She blinks at me when I finish speaking, her mouth just open.

"I, um. I never looked at it that way before," She stammers, her fingers lacing together and twitching anxiously in her lap. I rest my hand on top of hers and she turns to look at me. I can see the whirl of emotions swimming in her chocolate brown eyes.

"Neither had I," I admit. "Almost dying can really change your perspective."

A split second of silence passes between us and then Elody inches away, not so much to move away from me, but to position her body at a sideways angle so she's facing me better. There's two inches of space between us now, and I look at them as nobody speaks. Finally Elody does.

"Is it really Juliet Sykes's fault you nearly died?" she asks me. Her voice quiet, apprehensive. I swallow, readying myself to answer.

"It was because of Juliet but it wasn't her fault," I explain, knowing that it doesn't make much sense, but it's really all I can tell her. Her finely plucked eyebrows fall together as she blinks at me, confused.

"How? That doesn't make any sense," She wonders, leaving her mouth half open in confusion once she'd finished talking.

"It's complicated," I tell her, my words quick. I check for signs of suspicion on her face. "All I can tell you is that whatever Lindsay's told you isn't true."

"Then what did she have to do with it?" Elody questions me. I really wish she hadn't.

"I can't tell you," I answer hastily, trying to close discussion on the topic. Two seconds pass.

"But aren't you mad at her?" Asks Elody, sounding a lot firmer. Her scrutinising eyes are narrow through her glasses as she looks at me, little wrinkles forming just below them. This conversation is heading closer and closer to where I don't want it to go and I'm starting to think that I have no idea how to stop it.

"No, I'm not," I throw back at her, a little more aggressively than I should have.

"She's the reason you got hit by a car," Elody almost shouts. There's fire to her voice now, this is making her angry.

"It's not her fault," I insist, now angry too. If only she would've let it drop.

"Yes it is," Elody spits back, like she's disgusted that I could believe anything else. "How can you sit there and not be angry with her, you nearly died?" Every word she says just fuels whatever rage has started to bubble up in me, I really wanted to believe that she would understand without asking questions, that she would trust me. She has no idea what's happened and for her to act like she does and that I'm the one that doesn't know anything, it makes me want to explode.

"If you want someone to be angry with be angry with me," I snap at her before I can stop myself. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm riding downhill on a bike with no breaks while lava is boiling its way up my throat.

"Why?" snaps Elody, and before I realise its happened the volcano erupts.

"Because I chose to try and save her life," The room goes silent. Elody stops in her frustrated tracks and stares at me. It's like someone sucked all the air out of the room with a vacuum and my head spins as I'm suddenly aware of what I've just done.

"What?" Elody asks. Slowly, like she's trying not to choke.

"Shit," I hiss, feeling the blood rush in my ears. "Shit shit shit, I shouldn't have said that."

"You saved her-" Elody sounds disconnected from the words coming out of her mouth.

"Fuck, I'm such an idiot." Everything is swirling around me like I've been sucked up inside a tornado and am now plummeting back to earth.

"Oh my god," Elody whispers. "Did she jump in-?"

"Oh god why did I say that." I'm still so angry at myself that I almost forget Elody is even talking. I swore to Juliet that I would protect her secret and keep it between us.

"She jumped in front of that car, didn't she?" Elody mutters, her mouth hanging open in utter disbelief. She's looking at me desperately and its making me feel terrible but I have to make sure she won't tell anyone and there's no use lying to her now.

"Please don't say anything, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone," I beg her, taking her hands in mine.

"Oh my god," She chokes, pulling her hands out of mine and bringing them up to cover her mouth.

"Please I'm begging you, not a word to anyone okay," I continue to plead with her, looking into her eyes for signs that she's listening. They're wide and glazed over and she's looking at me like she's just watched me stab someone. I know how she must be feeling and I hate that I can't do anything. I remember the look on her face that one Friday we didn't go to the party and Ally's mom told us Juliet had shot herself, I remember how awful it made me feel.

"Was it because of us?" she whimpers after a few moments of silence, looking at me with hope that I won't tell her what she's dreading hearing. My chest aches knowing that I'm going to have to disappoint her. I could always lie, but without the shocking punch to the gut of what our behaviour was doing to other people I never would've changed, maybe this will all work out for the better.

"I wish I could say no," I tell her, regret heavy in my voice.

"Oh my god," She gasps, for a second it looks like she might cry.

"You can't say anything, alright, especially not to Lindsay," I beg her again. She nods frantically to agree but still looks horrified.

"What the fuck," She breathes. I grab her hands again. Her palms are sweaty now.

"I know Elody, I know it's messed up but you can't say anything," I say softly, wanting to hug her. Instead I just squeeze her hands.

"I feel awful," She says after a few moments of silence had passed, her voice completely drained of emotion.

"So did I," I reassure her, squeezing her hand. "So I'm trying to be better." Elody shakes her head, sending hair over her shoulders.

"I can't believe it," She mumbles, turning to face me. "I never even thought."

"She's getting better, it's going to be fine," I tell her, hoping to provide some reassurance.

"No it won't," she snaps, pulling her hands free from mine again. "The fact she even went there in the first place, and it was our fault."

"Not entirely," I add. She blinks at me, and I can tell she's fighting back tears.

"But we were part of the reason," Elody counters.

"Yes we were, but we can't change that," I say, remembering the anger I felt when I first found out, towards Lindsay, towards Juliet. I think about locking Juliet in that bathroom and thinking that just saying sorry was actually going to make a difference."All we can do is try to be better people in the future."

"I want to," Elody admits, and I know that she can. Like I said, I always thought Elody was the nicest of all of us. "I really want to, but-"

"But you don't think you can stand up to Lindsay," I finish for her. She gives me a sad nod, and as much as I love all of them, it really does piss me off the way Lindsay treats Elody like crap sometimes. I just really wish that she wouldn't let her, but now I understand that it's not that easy for some people, and once we're all friends again I'll do it for her.

"Does that make me a bad person?" she asks, looking sad.

"No," I reassure her. She shakes her head.

"But now I feel like I should do something," she confesses, finishing with a heavy sigh.

"And you can," I tell her, shooting her a big warm smile. "It doesn't have to be a huge gesture, smile at someone in the hall, don't laugh or change the subject when you see someone getting picked on, talk to more people outside of the group one on one." I see Elody start to look more happy, feeling satisfied that I've managed to make her feel a little bit better.

"It's really that simple?" she asks tentatively, like she doesn't quite believe it. I smile but shake my head.

"Of course not, but it's a start," I explain to her, suddenly getting an idea that might help both of us. "How about you hang out with me and Kent soon, so I can introduce you properly?" I suggest. Elody gives me an awkward smile.

"That sounds nice, but I don't know how soon I'll be able to get away from the girls," She confesses, looking a little disappointed with herself. "I only got them off my back to come here because I told them something was up with my mom. I knew they wouldn't ask."

"Well hopefully this whole fight will be resolved soon so you won't have to get away," I say, genuine and positive that this could soon be a reality. Elody beams at me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me into a hug.

"I hope so, I really miss you," she says in her mushy voice, squeezing me as hard as she can get away with. I feel my heart fill with happiness, squeezing her back as hard as I can without causing myself pain.

"I miss you guys too," I admit.

After she lets me go me and Elody talk some more about everything that's been happening without me, how the group feels totally different without me and everyone refuses to talk about it, that they've barely talked about anything since our fight. I tell her about being with Kent, and I tell Elody how she deserves a guy who makes her feel the way Kent makes me feel. She asks what Juliet is really like and I tell her the truth, and then we make plans to hang out the next time she gets a chance, and I can bring Kent so she can meet him properly and get to know him. Its hours before she leaves, and when she does my jaw aches because I haven't done that much talking in ages, and my head is spinning and my chest feels light despite my lungs burning through words so fast because I'm so incredibly happy to have my friend back.


	16. Chapter 16

The cafeteria was buzzing, hundreds of different noises coming together so the air hummed like a powerful machine. I paid a lot more attention to the people wondering about the cafeteria now, watching all the different cliques and their routines that they followed day in and day out, the loners walking around by themselves, the loud and the quiet. I shoved the last piece of my sandwich into my mouth, staring at the now empty tray in front of me as I chewed. Lunch felt different sat with Kent than it did when I sat with my friends, it's quieter. And as much as I love it I do miss the interaction.

"Are you done with those?" I ask Kent, pointing to the handful of fries left on his tray. He takes a second but then diverts his attention from the cartoon he's working on to me.

"Yeah," he answers. "You want them?"

"Yeah," I confess, placing his tray on top of mine and starting on the fries. On the other side of the table Juliet takes a chip from her bag without looking up from her book and places it in her mouth. I have a lot of time to think at lunch, with Juliet being quiet and Kent often working on his latest drawing I'm not constantly talking. I'm starting to think about how I'm going to amuse myself once I've finished these fries when I hear someone behind me say my name.

"Hi," I say as I turn around to see who it is, looking up to see Bridget McGuire standing next to me, tears streaming down her red, blotchy face.

"He cheated on me," she wails, bursting into sobs. My chest sinks a little with guilt, given that everyone already knew this, but I tell her to sit down nonetheless.

"Thank you," she sobs, sliding into the seat usually occupied by Juliet's backpack. "I couldn't sit over there," she explains, turning towards the part of the senior section I used to sit in. "I just couldn't be around them, I hope you don't mind."

"No, not at all," I reassure her. She gives me a weak smile. "So what happened?"

"Caught him out in one of his lies," explains Bridget. "Turns out he's been seeing someone else behind my back for months."

"How awful," I say, feeling bad that I and half the school already knew this.

"He told me she meant nothing but it's too late, we're finished," she exclaims between sobs.

"It may hurt now, but you deserve so much better," I tell her.

"Thank you," she replies, wiping her face. The next few seconds are filled with a very awkward silence as nobody talks, but Bridget just sits sobbing and I am the only one making eye contact. I start wondering if it was obvious that I already knew Alex was cheating, if maybe there was a tell in my voice or I didn't sound surprised enough and in this silence Bridget is going to figure it out and then call me on it, which I am not prepared for in the slightest.

"Do you want a tissue?" Juliet quietly asks her, breaking the incredibly uncomfortable silence. It takes a second for Bridget to realise someone spoke to her, once she does she turns towards Juliet.

"Yes please," she answers meekly. Juliet grabs her bag off the floor, opening it. She digs around for a minute and then produces an unopened pack of tissues, handing them to Bridget.

"Thank you," she accepts the pack, taking one tissue out and drying her face with it. "We haven't spoken before have we?"

"Probably not," Juliet replies, obviously startled by Bridget's question. I can feel the awkward silence creeping back towards us.

"We have bio together right?" asks Bridget.

"Yeah," replies Juliet, looking a little less uncomfortable. They talk about an upcoming assignment for a little while and I listen, occasionally glancing over at Kent who's too engrossed in his work to take much notice of what's happening around him.

"... he should really do something about the window shades," I catch Bridget saying to Juliet. I know what they're talking about, Ally has bio with them and was always complaining about the broken shades because the entire back half of the class can't see whenever the sun shines through the windows.

"It personally doesn't bother me, but I understand how it could get annoying," Juliet replies, her voice relaxed and melodic. I smile, glad that she's talking to someone that isn't me or Kent, and thinking about it, Bridget is ideal, she's always cheery and never really engages in gossip.

"I think it just misses you though," Bridget continues, now sounding a lot happier than she did when she first showed up. "You sit like right on the edge of the safe zone."

"Your hair looks nice up, by the way," Bridget adds. Since last week Juliet has worn her hair up for school.

"Thank you," she smiles, running her hand through the end of her ponytail as it sits on her shoulder. It takes me a second to realise it but I'm smiling too. Kent suddenly looks up from his drawing.

"Bridget, have you eaten anything?" he asks.

"I'm not very hungry," she replies, now sullen again. "I'll be fine though, no need to worry about me."

"If you're sure," Kent says, smiling at Bridget and then turning back to his notebook.

"You can take this if you want," Juliet says, sticking her hand in the brown paper bag she brings her lunch in and pulling out a Kit Kat bar. "I don't feel like eating it."

"Thank you, but I'm not really hungry," Bridget repeats.

"You can save it for later," Juliet suggests, and Bridget takes it with a quiet thank you.

Bridget then turns to me and starts asking me questions about how my recovery is going, and I answer them. She tells me how she left Kent's house long after I'd been carted away in the ambulance, but heard about it when Lindsay, Elody and Ally came back in to tell everyone. Kent had sent them back up to the house to get all the guests to leave while he rode in the ambulance with me and Juliet. The girls told me about it when I first came round at the hospital. They were surprised by how calm and helpful he'd been, it's a shame they chose to overlook that when I told them he was my boyfriend, choosing to believe his lack of popularity was more important.

"And what about you guys huh?" asks Bridget, motioning to me and Kent. "How long have you been a couple?"

"A little over a month now," Kent answers, looking up from his notebook with a huge grin on his face. I start grinning too, sliding my hand into his.

"Aw, that's sweet," coos Bridget. "I hope it goes better for you guys than it did for me," she adds, her tone bittersweet.

"You'll find someone who's not a total jerk," I tell her, trying not to be too happy about my own relationship and rub it in her face. "You just have to be patient. Hey, my ex was a jerk too, but now I have a great guy."

"Oh yeah, Rob," Bridget says. I cringe a little inside, thinking of how he's acted since I announced my relationship with Kent. "Did he cheat too?"

"No, I just realised that a guy like him wasn't what I wanted," I tell her. "I took a look at my life and realised I wasn't the person I wanted to be, so I made some changes."

"Good for you," says Bridget, a little enthusiastically. "So you had a kind of spiritual awakening."

"You could say that," I reply, mentally laughing at the irony that nobody but me would understand.

"Is that why you're not talking to your friends?" asks Bridget, who suddenly looks nervous. "Not that I mean to pry, it just seemed so odd."

"Sort of," I confess. "But I'm hoping to make up with them soon." I think about all the secrets and mess and how I know there's so many questions Bridget probably has that I can't answer. I wonder how much of my social u turn gets talked about, what people think about it, well the ones that wont express their opinions to my face anyway.

"Oh right," Bridget mutters, glancing at her watch.

"Well I'm going to head off to the library," Bridget announces, picking up her bag from the floor. "You guys have been really sweet, thank you."

"You're welcome," I reply with a wide smile. "Come and talk to me any time."

"Will do," she replies, starting to rise from her chair.

"Good luck with the assignment," says Juliet, looking up from her book. Bridget smiles at her.

"Thanks, you too," she says. Juliet starts to turn back to her book. "You're really nice, I don't know why people talk about you the way they do," Bridget says, gaining Juliet's attention again.

"Thanks," Juliet replies, smiling back at Bridget. Bridget tucks in her chair and heads for the door, giving us a little wave over her shoulder. Juliet goes straight back to reading her book, but I watch her continue to smile until she's turned at least two pages. I think about all the good I've done since the accident, the advice I've given to freshmen and sophomores in the bathrooms, the lonely kids in the halls I've asked if they're okay, the classmates I've talked to since, who had a scared look in their eye when I first said hi. I don't want to ever be known as Sam Kingston, the girl who thinks she's better than everyone else ever again, I want to be Sam Kingston, the girl everyone talks to because she's nice to everyone, the girl who brings people together not drives them apart. And from how I've felt and what I've seen today, it looks like I'm already halfway there.


	17. Chapter 17

I'm walking down the hall when I hear the knock. Pickle starts barking. I shout my parents, letting them know it's for me before opening it to let Juliet in. I called her over because I wanted to talk to her about Elody sitting with us at lunch one time in the near future. Me and Elody have been texting near constantly since we made up, and she's definitely eager to get to know Kent, I just thought I'd let Juliet know it's happening before it actually does so she can decide if she wants to be there or not.

"Hey, come in," I say, stepping aside to let her in the door. Immediately I suggest heading up to my room so we won't be interrupted by my parents like last time. I go first, apologising for being so slow. I'm mostly using only one crutch at home now but getting up the stairs is always a challenge. When we get up there I sit down in my vanity chair, Juliet stands. I watch her subtly as she takes in the details of my room, noticing how her eyes dart from wall to wall, and how quickly she looks away from all the photos of me, Lindsay, Elody and Ally on my wall.

"Is there a reason we couldn't have done this over the phone?" she asks me, folding her arms over her chest. I notice she has paint on her hands and on the t shirt she's wearing, and how her hair is in a messy bun. She must've been working on something.

"I wanted to do it in person," I tell her. She looks slightly concerned.

"So what is it?" she asks, looking at me intrigued as she chews on her bottom lip.

"I wanted to run something past you," I start, trying to figure out how I'm going to word this. "So you knew about it before it happened."

"Okay," she replies, sounding no less suspicious.

"So I've started talking to Elody again, just her," I say, watching Juliet blink at me.

"Yeah, what's that got to do with me?" she asks. I take a breath.

"I talked to her about why I started acting differently after the accident," I start to explain. "Don't panic, I didn't tell her your secret," I lie when I see the look of fear on Juliet's face. "but I did make her realise the consequences our actions were having and now she feels bad and wants to make up for it, so I've said she can come and sit with us at lunch sometime."

"You what?" she says immediately, an expression of fear on her face.

"I said she can sit with us," I repeat. "I just wanted to let you know beforehand so it wouldn't be a shock when she does." Juliet stares at me for a second, her eyes wide.

"Why did you do that?" she asks firmly.

"What?" I ask.

"Say she could sit with us," she answers, sounding annoyed. I exhale. I was prepared for a little bit of opposition from her which is why I wanted to have the conversation in person.

"Because I want her to," I state my reasons, being careful not to sound like I'm trying to argue.

"What about us?" she asks. I'm aware that as the newcomer at the lunch table I have little right to just barge in and make decisions, but I've already run this by Kent and he's fine with it, and I'm giving her the option not to be there.

"Kent's cool with it," I explain. Juliet's expression flattens a little.

"Well Kent isn't the one she's bullied for years," she says, sounding even more annoyed now. She makes this noise, like a harsh whispering laugh. "Did you even take a minute to think about how this would make me feel?"

"Of course I did," I tell her, irritation starting to curl inside me that she thought I hadn't thought about her at all in this. Me thinking about her was the whole reason she's here. "But you're not the only person sat at that table."

"Neither are you," she fires back, her words quick and firm.

"You don't even have to sit with us while she's there," I tell her, realising that I hadn't made this option clear to her at the start of the conversation.

"Why should I be the one to go?" she questions me, still sounding angered. "Why can't you and Kent go sit with her at the popular kids table and leave me on my own?"

"It's just easier this way," I tell her, which while being a shitty explanation is true. If we sat at my old table there would be too many eyes and ears invading our space. Juliet scoffs.

"Hey, she's trying to be a better person," I say, now annoyed too. "I thought you would be behind that." Juliet's mouth falls slightly open.

"You do not get to tell me how to feel about this," she snaps at me, her eyes wide, burning and determined.

"I'm not," I fire back, feeling my chest start to burn and heat covering my skin.

"Yes you are," she argues, shifting on her toes. "You want me to just forget about everything and be fine with this when you don't know anything about what I've been through."

"I never even said that," I snap back. Her being pissed about this I could deal with, but her putting words in my mouth I will not stand for. "You don't even have to be there."

"You say that like it'll only be the one time, it won't," She rants, her cheeks flushing furiously."And then I'll get pushed away every time."

"Or maybe you could stay there with us," I suggest, trying to sound calmer than I feel on the inside because she's seriously starting to test my patience. "Elody's actually really nice if you just give her a chance."

"That's easy for you to say," she scoffs.

"You gave me a chance," I remind her.

"Yeah, out of guilt," she exclaims, clenching her fists beside her. "Turns out you were right, but how was I to know that?"

"I know her better than you do, I know she's a nice person," I argue, feeling my body start to itch with the urge to get up off this chair and pace around the room.

"You can't make me give her a chance, I owe you nothing," asserts Juliet, staring at me with such fire that it makes her delicate pale features seem dark.

"I'm not trying to, you don't even have to be there," I tell her again, feeling my anger strengthen as she keeps missing my point over and over. She stands still for a second taking a deep, steady breath and then slowly exhaling.

"I don't even know why I'm surprised you'd be this selfish," she says, a lot calmer this time. I feel everything inside me ignite with anger. How dare she call me selfish when I had the decency to warn her about something that hasn't even been set in stone yet because it might make her uncomfortable, and give her the option of avoiding it altogether when I could've just said nothing.

"I am not," I snap. "I think this would be best for everyone."

"Not for me it wouldn't," she argues.

"Why can't you just give her a chance?" I nearly shout, wondering why the hell she's being so difficult about this. Why can't she just trust that I know Elody won't be mean? "I'm not the only one being stubborn here." Juliet stops, pursing her lips and looking at me with the most seething glare I've even seen on her.

"Do you even know how just being near them makes me feel?" she says, and I can hear her voice nearly break with every word. She talks slowly so I can really feel what she's saying. "You don't get to tell me to just brush that aside for-" she suddenly stops, turning away from me. I hear a quick hiccup of breath escape from her and I know right away that she's started crying.

"Juliet?" I say tentatively, getting up and inching towards her.

"Don't touch me," she snaps, turning so I can see the anger and hurt in her eyes, the tears streaming down her pale cheeks. She moves further away and sits on the end of my bed, wrapping her arms around herself.

I look at her, thinking that just the presence of another person surely couldn't affect her this much, that somehow she must realise that things are different now. I breathe, trying to think about this from her perspective and I still struggle to see why helping another person who wants to change is such a big deal. She has a biased view of us and while I can't blame her, it is still a bias. I catch my reflection in the vanity mirror, examining my flushed cheeks and the glaring look in my eyes. I start thinking about how strong my emotions were and how fiercely I wanted to defend my friend and I realise that I'm biased too, biased by good memories and bonds. I know then that maybe if I can admit my bias then Juliet could let go of hers. I approach her.

"Maybe you're right, maybe I am being selfish," I start, sitting myself down near her. She startles, wiping tears from her face before slowly turning to face me, reluctant but willing to listen. "But I want you to see that things aren't like the way they were anymore." She looks down at the floor.

"I can't just forget," she chokes, continuing to avoid making eye contact with me.

"Im not asking you to, I just want you to know it'll be okay," I assure her, keeping my voice soft and calm. Juliet then lifts her head back up, turning to me with such a desperate look in her eyes that it makes something in my chest sink.

"I can't be around her," she insists, another tear sneaking out of her eye as she shakes her head.

"Yes you can," I argue, placing my hand on top of hers. I want to help her stop feeling like a victim, I know that she can face her, she just needs to think that she can too. "She won't hurt you, I'll make sure of it."

"It's not just that," she sobs, taking a long and shaky breath. "If I accept her then that'll be half of you and it feels like I'm just rolling over like nothing happened," she confesses, her eyes filling up with tears again. "I feel like I'm weak if I stop hating all of you."

A little piece of my heart breaks looking at her, my chest flooding with the heavy weight of guilt. I wish I could think of the right words to say to her but right now I'm coming up with nothing. I feel helpless and guilty and just wish I could fix this mess, but I'm only one person and she needs to heal on her own terms.

"Hey, that doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong," I tell her, noting the decreasing stability of my own voice. Juliet looks at me with such a strong mix of emotions written on her face; pain, hope, confusion, doubt all wrapped up in one. "Strong enough to be the bigger person and not succumb to bitterness. It doesn't mean you're forgetting, it just means you're moving on."

She stares at me completely dumbfounded, and I watch her process what I said one word at a time. She opens her mouth as if to speak, but then closes it and just nods her head, words clearly escaping her.

"You don't have to be there with her," I remind her once more, the final time. "But she wants to do better and I want to help her, can you accept that?"

"I guess," she says, a reluctant agreement. I smile, letting go of her hand that I didn't realise I was still clutching.

"And I never even said you had to be nice to her," I add after a few moments of silence. "You could give her hell the whole time as far as I'm concerned."

She laughs, brightness now in her eyes and a smile on her damp face. I laugh with her, smiling as she giggles quietly, shaking her head and wiping her cheek. I know that we've both got a long way to go before the past is completely behind us, but for now inching towards a new future is all we can do, and I'm happy to help better that future one person at a time.


	18. Chapter 18

I push the door open to exit the bathroom, letting Elody head out before me as we start to make our way towards the cafeteria. Today is the day that Elody is getting to meet Kent properly and it's fair to say she's rather anxious about it. Since we left class she's made me stop in the bathroom on the first floor so the rest of the girls will think she's gone to a detention when they can't see her in the halls, sprayed herself with so much body spray it nearly choked me and re-applied her lip gloss three times because she kept licking it off.

"I'm nervous," she says as we make a start down the stairs. _No shit._ I flash her a smile as she chews on her lip, shaking my head. She's two steps ahead holding one of my crutches as I use the other to help myself down the stairs.

"It'll be fine," I assure her. Elody turns her head to look at me.

"What if he hates me," she wonders, uneasiness obvious in her soft voice. I shake my head again, I've been dealing with her nervous questions and over thinking all day, but I've missed her so much that I'd put up with another week of it if I had to.

"I'm sure he won't hate you," I tell her, turning the corner to head down the second section of stairs that will take us to the ground floor. "And even if he did it's not the end of the world."

"Right," Elody replies fiercely, like she's really trying to believe me, even though we both know she's very concerned about what other people think of her. I wish I could help her let that go but it's something she needs to do on her own. "Why do I feel like this is going to be really awkward?"

"Because it is going to be awkward," I answer bluntly. I told Elody right off the bat that I wouldn't sugar-coat any of this for her, if I had to deal with it then so could she. "You kinda just have to deal with it."

She nods beside me, her eyes wide and determined. They almost look sad, like she's preparing herself to be hurt or to fail, and I find it upsetting that Elody can't see her own strength. I know she feels like she's the weakest of all of us but she's not, she has her own unique strength that I wish she could see because then she would realise that she can do anything she wanted to.

"And Juliet? Will she be there?" asks Elody.

"I have no idea," I say honestly. "I texted Kent to ask but he hasn't gotten back to me yet so we'll just have to see."

"Right," she replies, the nerves becoming even more obvious as we move out of the stairwell and into the hall towards the cafeteria.

"I get that you're nervous about her being there," I say to Elody as she hands my crutch back and helps me slip it under my arm. "But try and think how she feels about you being there."

"Like that makes me feel any better," Elody replies, groaning afterwards. "Ugh, I'm so going to screw this up."

"Don't worry, if you do I'll make sure you know about it," I remind her, and despite my playful tone she knows that I mean it.

"Thanks," she says sarcastically before pausing and shaking her head, her face suddenly solemn. "No, it'd be what I deserve." I turn my head towards her, meeting her chocolate brown eyes.

"Hey, letting go of your pride and admitting you were wrong is the first step to improvement, you've got this," I tell her earnestly, hoping she can tell how much I mean it. A grin slowly forms on her face before she then starts laughing.

"Whoa, tone down the cheese miss motivational speaker," she laughs, causing me to giggle a little with her.

"What? It's true," I say in defence of myself. "And if I could manage it so can you." Before she has time to reply my phone buzzes.

"Ooh, that's him," I say when I see Kent's name flash bright on my screen. The message says they're on their way to the cafeteria from the second floor. "He says they're on their way."

"Okay," Says Elody as we reach the doors to the cafeteria and head in. We join the queue and grab our lunches before I lead her over to our table. Shortly after we sit down Kent and Juliet arrive.

"Hey," Kent says cheerily as he approaches us, walking towards my chair rather than taking a seat in his.

"Hey babe," I exclaim as he bends down to kiss me.

"Hi," says Elody, accompanied by an awkward wave once Kent has kissed me. Mixes of emotions are swirling around in my chest, excitement and anticipation twisting together between a slight undercurrent of nerves. All of Elody's anxious energy must have rubbed off on me because now my heart is beating just a little bit faster.

"Hey," Kent grins back at her. I can feel some of the nerves leave her body, like a trail of smoke puffed out with an exhale. I turn my attention then from Elody to Juliet, who has taken the seat opposite her. Her expression is unreadable.

"Hey Juliet," I say with a friendly smile. Juliet looks up from where she's staring at the table, the half of her hair she's left down flows over her shoulder, but doesn't cover her face as the top of her hair is tied in a small ponytail which prevents it. I'm glad she chose to tie up her hair despite Elody being here.

"Hey Sam," she says quietly.

"You're outfit looks pretty," I tell her. Her outfit is different from her usual look of smock shirts and cargo pants. She's wearing a brown long sleeved shirt that fits snugly along her thin arms, with a shorter sleeved beige floral shirt with a deep v-neck over the top of it.

"I agree," Elody chimes in, sounding so nervous that she might as well have been blindly guessing a question on a game show that was the only thing standing between her and thousands of dollars.

"Thanks," Juliet replies, so quietly I would've missed it had we not been looking directly at each other. Juliet then suddenly turns to face Elody. "Sorry, I didn't notice _you_ there without all the screeching," She says, finishing off with the most sweetly sarcastic smile I'd ever seen before starting to pull things out of her backpack without a second glance at us.

I turn to Elody, whose mouth was opening and closing like a startled goldfish, causing me to realise that mine was hanging open too.

"So um, Kent, how are you?" Says Elody awkwardly once she's shrugged most of her shock off. I sneak a subtle glance over at Juliet, watching her bury her head into her notebook. A part of me was still in shock that she'd said that, when I told her she didn't have to be nice I was certainly not expecting her to take me up on it. Another part of me, though, was glad that she wasn't going to hide herself away or sweep her anger away.

"I'm good Elody, thank you. And yourself?" Kent answers nonchalantly, giving Elody a warm and welcoming smile from across the table.

"Fine, thanks. A little nervous," she confesses. I could see she'd already licked off all of her lip gloss again and that her hands were clasped together under the table.

"Well you've no need to be, I don't bite," Kent answers, laughing a little. They engaged in small talk for a little while, the whole time with me listening. I sat there feeling any sense of nervousness melt away as Kent and Elody talked happily. This was exactly what I wanted, for them to see each other as people and get along, excitement bubbled in my heart as I watched them.

"Hey Kent," Elody says after a quick few seconds of silence between conversations. " I've never heard your side of the story on how you guys got together. Care to share?"

"Ok sure," Kent beams. Elody leans closer, resting her elbow on the table and her head in her hand so she could listen better. I could feel myself grinning already.

" So it started on Cupid's day," Kent begins, leaning forward too. "She gives me a rose after however many years of us not speaking to each other, and she asks me to give her a ride to my party," He tells, turning his head towards me at the parts where I'm mentioned. My cheeks are warming and I know that soon they'll be smattered with pink blotches.

"While I'm picking her up she kisses me out of the blue, and then I try to get answers from her for the rest of the night but then the accident happens," He continues, jabbing his thumb at me when he talks me kissing him.

"Yeah," Elody urges him to continue, a wide smile on her face and her eyes alight with interest, the way they always are when someone gives her a juicy piece of gossip.

"So I'm left wondering how this amazing girl is suddenly interested in me or if she's even interested at all, and have no way to get answers, but then she wakes up." My heart has melted, turned to mush in my chest, and that mush is spreading to my cheeks as I grin so wide that they ache. The look on his face as he tells the story, the adoration brimming in his eyes as he looks at me and the hint of blush on his cheeks too makes me deliriously happy. I'm almost convinced that this isn't actually happening and I'm dreaming of having the most perfect guy and my old world combining perfectly with my new one. I couldn't ask for anything better than this moment.

"I go to see her, and while I'm there she asks me out," Kent explains, his tone growing quieter, letting us know that he's coming to the end of his story. His hand extends across the table towards me and I take it, slipping my fingers between his. "We've been a couple ever since."

"Aw, that's sweet," Elody gushes. Neither of us can help but grin. "See I've mostly heard the things that have happened after Sam got out of the hospital."

"Oh yeah?" Kent says, eyebrows raised. "Nothing too terrible I hope."

"No, nothing bad at all," Elody replies, definitely sounding much more confident and relaxed.

"Well that's a relief," Kent adds, pushing his chair back. "I'm going to grab some lunch."

"Ok babe," I grin at him as he walks off towards the lunch queue. Elody and I turn to our half eaten lunches, Elody's fries must have gone cold by now. She eats them anyway. The time Kent is away from the table passes in silence with us finishing off our lunch. I can tell Elody is glad for the silence, and I don't mind it either, it gives me time to think. I feel such relief flowing through my body that Kent and Elody are getting along, it makes hope bloom inside of me for the others.

"I'm back," Kent declares, pulling me from my daydreams and into the present. He sets his tray down moving over towards my chair where he gives me another kiss on the lips. I grab the lapel of his jacket, pulling closer to savour the feel of his lips on mine.

"Ugh, you guys are disgustingly happy," Elody groans, feigning disgust. I turn to face her, laughing.

"I know, right," I agree, revelling in the fact my friends knows I've landed myself romantic perfection. "I kinda feel bad for Juliet having to sit with us."

"Well don't, it's not the worst thing I've ever endured," Juliet's flat voice calls up from her notebook.

"Hey, um, Juliet," Elody then says, tentative and uneasy. Juliet shuts the book with a delicate thud and lifts her head, looking Elody right in the face, her face stern and her eyebrows raised as if to say 'well, spit it out then'.

"Can I just say that I'm really sorry, about everything," Elody confesses, genuine pain and regret echoing in her voice. Her eyes soft and soulful.

"Oh spare me," scoffs Juliet, her stare unwavering. "You think saying you're sorry fixes everything, it doesn't." Elody's mouth falls open again, her lips just parting. "If you're really sorry, prove it."

"I will," Elody says quickly, like a student being reprimanded.

"But not right now," Juliet states. Under the anger the melodic tone to her voice comes out, similar in a way to Elody's own voice. It's strong and fiery, like at Kent's party when she told us all exactly what she thought of us. "You're not here for me, you're here for Kent, so just act like I'm not even here, shouldn't be too difficult."

"Message received," Elody says quietly, trying to hide the feelings of dejection and guilt that must be gripping hold of her right now. The air goes uncomfortable silent and I notice that we're all staring. I realise that I can't tell if I'm in shock or awe.

"Hey Juliet," Kent says, jarring me awake from the surreal bubble of emotion that had wrapped around my thoughts as I watched the last minute unfold. "Have you taken anything out of that bag?" he asked, looking at her lunch bag.

"Yes," she answers harshly, holding up a half eaten apple. "See, I'm fine. You can back off now."

I watch regret flood into her over snapping at Kent. She closes her eyes, sucking in a quick breath and then letting it go with a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry," she says, the guilt obvious in her voice, almost as if it's strangling her. All the anger and confidence gone like tipping water on a fire, leaving nothing but soggy ashes behind.

"It's cool," Kent tells her softly, leaning in towards her.

"No its not," she argues, turning to face him back. Her voice holds a different kind of anger now, anger at herself. "You were just being a good friend."

I can hear her voice threatening to break, can almost see how much effort its taking her to not get emotional in front of Elody. I have no idea if she's done it in front of Kent but she's cried in front of me twice now, more than that if you count all the different February 12ths. I know how awful it would make her feel if she lost it with Elody here.

"Hey, I get it," Kent reassures her, resting one arm on her wrist. Even though I can't see I can picture the calming genuineness of his eyes."No hard feelings."

"Thanks," she practically chokes with the effort not to let her voice break.

"Should I go?" Elody leans in and whispers to me. Juliet isn't the only one full of guilt.

"No, of course not," I reply, thinking of a way to make the atmosphere better.

"Hey babe, tell Elody about that thing you're working on," I ask Kent, desperate for a new topic of conversation.

"Oh right," Kent replies, his head jerking to the side like I'd pulled him from his thoughts with my voice. He reaches into his messenger bag and pulls out his notebook, launching into describing his newest cartoon sketch idea to Elody with loud enthusiasm. I think about how thankful I am for the image in front of me, and how before everything happened I would've made fun of Kent for his drawing, for his enthusiasm that so few people have. I feel my heart stirring with delight in my chest that Elody can now see Kent the way I do, proof that it's what's inside a person that matters, not how many parties they go to or how many friends they have. Elody decides to leave early, but when she does it's with a smile on her face.

"Thanks for letting me sit with you, you're really sweet," she tells Kent as she gets up out of her chair, grabbing her purse from where it rests against the table leg on the floor.

"I try," Kent says, puffing out his chest with feigned arrogance. The three of us laugh together, and then I notice Juliet look up at Elody, Elody who turns to face both of the people we used to ridicule with genuine kindness in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry I misjudged you," she tells them, both of them, with sincere honesty, before casting one glance back at me and heading for the door. Juliet picks up her stuff and leaves shortly after, leaving me and Kent to walk out together.

"So, do you like her?" I ask him as we meander towards the exit.

"Yeah, she's nice," he admits, smiling.

"I always said she was the nicest of all of us," I tell him, thinking about how today she's only proved me right.

"I can definitely see it," Kent agrees with me. He holds the door open for me as we file into the hall with the rest of the students leaving the cafeteria, wandering towards our respective classrooms together.

"So you'd want to hang out with her again?" I ask, hoping for a yes.

"Yeah," Kent answers. I almost squeal with excitement.

"Great," I beam.

"So all in all it was a successful lunch," Kent concludes.

"Yeah, even Juliet," I say, still surprised she'd had the guts to speak to Elody the way she did. "I can't believe she said that."

"I know, right," Kent agrees, and we both laugh a little. "I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty proud of her." And the truth was, I was too.

"As much as Elody is my friend, she did need to hear it," I say. I know that while it may have been hard for her to hear, it was harder for Juliet to say, and it will definitely help Elody become a better person to the people around her. "I'm glad Juliet had the courage to say it."

We separate with a kiss and head to our classes, and all the way through mine I can hardly concentrate, because one of my best friends appreciates my boyfriend exactly how he is, and he likes her too. Which means I'm one step closer to getting my life exactly the way I want it.


	19. Chapter 19

"Where are we going?" I ask form the passenger's side of Kent's car, feeling the world whirl past me as we move forwards. There's a beanie pulled down over my face covering my eyes, Kent's instructions, he wanted to keep whatever he'd planned a secret and didn't have anything to blindfold me with so I'm stuck with this. It was thick wool and the heat from it is causing the top of my head to sweat, no doubt it's also messed up my hair.

The idea came when we were talking at lunch earlier this week about how we haven't actually been on a proper date yet. Sure, we spent practically every day after school and every weekend hanging out at each other's houses, but we hadn't really gone out as a couple or had something that could be described as a first date. So that's what the plan for tonight was.

"You'll see," Kent answers teasingly from beside me. I grunt in frustration.

"That's the third time you've asked Sam, I'm not telling you," he adds, and I can hear the amused smile on his face.

"Spoiled sport," I say, turning my head towards him and sticking my tongue out, which must look incredibly strange considering there's a beanie covering my face from the nose up. I hear Kent chuckling.

"We'll be there soon," he tells me. I don't reply, I just focus on the way the car feels as its moving. It's a strange sensation, being able to feel yourself moving but not see where you're going. You never know when you're going to turn a corner or come to a sudden stop. Like life, we all think we know where we're going and that we're in control but really we're blind to exactly what's around the corner.

"Almost there," Kent updates me after we ride in silence for a few miles. I can feel the car get faster, which I assume means that we're not on a highway or busy street. We make a few sharp bends, which causes pain to flare up my side as I have no idea what to grab to steady myself against the car's movement. After a few more minutes on this quieter road, I know it's quiet because I haven't heard more than two cars pass and we've been driving at a higher speed, we come to a slow stop.

"Here," Kent announces cheerfully. I go to take the hat off. "No, no, no, I need you to keep the hat on, we've got a little bit of walking to do."

"Huh?" I say, confused.

"We're not at the exact location yet," clarifies Kent. "I need to walk you somewhere."

"Alright," I say, dragging out the end with feigned annoyance. I hear Kent grab my crutch from the back seat, and once I'm out of the car he helps tuck it under my arm, taking my free hand in his.

"This way," he says, and starts slowly moving, giving me time to catch up. We are currently walking on gravel, it's hard and crunchy under my shoes. And the air has a chill, the wind whipping against my chin. I think I can hear leaves rustling in the wind.

"How much walking exactly are we going to be doing?" I ask Kent, clinging hold of his hand as he leads me. "Because walking isn't exactly my strong point right now even when I can see."

"Not much further, I promise," chuckles Kent, and I can feel that we've moved from gravel to grass. It feels dark, and not just because there's a hat covering my eyes. Something in the air feels dark, like we're surrounded by shadows.

The grass Kent is walking me across is uneven, it dips and rises again like we're walking over tiny hills. A huge gust of wind blows past us and I can hear rustling all around us. Trees, we must be surrounded by trees. Kent leads me up three steps made from what feels like concrete and then finally comes to a standstill, moving up behind me. I feel his chest a few centimetres away from my back, I'm tempted to lean into him. Instead I stay still and wait for him to pull the hat off my face. When he does my mouth falls open as I take in the sight in front of me.

We're at his house, more specifically, in his back yard. There's a small table on a wide concrete patio, with two glasses, two plates, cutlery and two little tea lights laid out and waiting. The sun is just setting and the sky is a kaleidoscope of oranges and blues and pinks. And all around us, hanging along the outer walls of the house, twisted around the leaves and tiny trunks of the little potted trees that decorate the patio area, their leaves trimmed into perfect spheres, are twinkle lights. The whole patio is shining, sparkling, like the stars have all fallen down to sit on this patio.

"So, what do you think?" Kent asks softly, his hands resting on my waist and his head on my shoulder.

"It's beautiful," I gushed, still blinking to take everything in. My cheek muscles scream with the effort it takes to keep my face in place because I can't stop smiling. I try to but it just won't happen, like my face is frozen.

"I'm glad you like it," says Kent. His voice is soft behind me. I turn around to look at him and can see his cheeks are rosy from blushing.

"Shall I escort you to your seat?" Kent asks, suddenly all theatrical. I giggle.

"You shall," I reply, holding out my hand as he walks me over to one of the chairs, pulling it out for me to sit down in, and then tucking it back under the table once I'd made myself comfortable in it.

"Thank you," I beam at him, turning my attention towards the layout of the table. The table was glass topped and the plates were plain white circles with cream napkins folded up into cones behind them. The cutlery was laid out around the plate, the knife and fork either side and the spoon sitting at the top. A champagne glass sat opposite from the napkin.

"Would you like something to drink?" Kent asks, still standing up.

"I would, thank you," I reply, watching as he smiles and me before making his way into the house. I look around, shrugging off my coat and draping it over the back of the chair. I didn't dress too fancy, but I put on a nice top, it's strappy and made of a kind of olive green satin. I can see the wooden railing at the end of the patio which I know is the end of the wraparound porch, the one that leads to the kitchen and the side entrance to the house. The sound of the door opening and Kent returning draws me out of my thoughts.

"It's only sparkling grape juice," Kent explains, making his way towards the table with a large glass bottle in his hands.

"That's fine," I tell him. He unscrews the top and pours some into my glass and then his, before taking his seat opposite me.

"I like your shirt," says Kent, looking at me from the other side of the table. "Really brings out your eyes."

"Thank you," I grin back at him. Rob always used to say he like this shirt too, although I think it had more to do with the strip of cleavage it shows. "You look nice too."

"Thanks," He replies bashfully, sipping his drink. He's dressed smarter than usual, wearing a fitted shirt rather than a loose one. Its blue striped and he's got a little grey waistcoat over the top of it. He looks adorable."Dinner should be ready soon."

"Did you cook?"

"Yeah," says Kent, before pausing. "Well it was mostly my mom, but I helped." I gasp with feigned shock.

"Kent McFuller, you cheater," I tease him.

"I know, I know, I'm a terrible fraud," he responds, trying not to laugh. "But she is much better at it than I am, trust me."

We move into a steady conversation, drinking our sparkling juice as we wait for the food to be ready. At first i wonder what we'll find to talk about once we've moved past talking about his preparation for this date because I'm not sure there's anything I haven't talked about with him. Surely enough, we find things, and the evening flows by as the sun sets around us.

"I'm going to go check on dinner," Kent says, getting up out of his chair. I look at the bottle on the table, and for a second I wonder if it is actually alcoholic because I feel so giddy, but then I realise that it's just because I'm happy. I haven't felt this happy, without being under some alcoholic or medical influence in so long. I'd forgotten what It felt like. Kent comes back out and takes both our plates inside. He returns two minutes later, a heavenly smelling casserole on the plate in front of me.

"Wow, this smells amazing," I tell him as he gets back in his seat. The hot steam is rising up from the plate into my face, a welcome difference from the chilly wind. The sun has almost completely set now, and where it hasn't the trees shade us, so the light surrounding us feels so much more magical. I grab my fork, gathering the first bite of casserole onto it.

"Thank you for this," I say across the table, looking over at Kent. The light makes his skin look so pale, and I can see flecks of green eye bathed in it.

"Anything for you," He replies, shooting me a smile so warm and soft I melt inside. My first bite of food is hovering in front of my face, wisps of steam drifting up from it towards the sky.

"Nobody has ever done this for me before," I admit. I think of all the boys in my life that I've made out with, dated, none of them will ever come close to him. I take the first mouthful, feeling flavour explode on my tongue and heat envelop my mouth, thinking about how this night has been so perfect that I don't want it to end.


	20. Chapter 20

It's a warm afternoon and school has just ended. The parking lot is filled with people flocking towards the cars and busses lined up in my peripheral vision. I watch them, leaning against the brick wall that's cold and solid against my back, a nice change from the sticky heat that's hovering in the air, telling all of us that summer is about to roll in, making my heavy jeans stick to my legs. Kent's doing after school work and my mom is going to pick me up on her way back from getting Izzy from school, it just means I'll have to hang around here for a few minutes. Although I'm secretly pleased about the fact I have to hang around because I'm hoping to catch someone. After the text they sent me this morning my palms are itching in anticipation for them to walk past. Within the next minute they do. I hear her before I see her, designer heeled sandals clicking against the ground.

"Hey Sam," says Ally once I fall into her line of vision. She's stood a few feet in front of me slipping her cell phone into a large white designer bag. She's wearing a tight peach shirt under a white cardigan with denim cut offs and white sandals to match. Her face is stoic as she looks at me, giving me no indication of whether she's actually pleased to see me.

"Hey," I reply, smiling. "You wanted to meet?" Ally glances over at her car before bringing her focus back to me.

"Got any plans right now?" she asks. Her voice doesn't indicate exactly how she feels about meeting with me either.

"Nope," I tell her.

"Then hop in," she says, turning her head in the direction of her Jetta before walking towards it, slowing down so I can catch up. I quickly text my mom not to pick me up and then climb in the car. I've gotten a lot better at getting myself into cars with the crutch, so it's much less effort than it used to be.

Ally is sat in the drivers seat, looking up at her reflection in the rear view mirror. The keys are in the ignition but her seat belt isn't on. I'm assuming she wants to have this conversation stationary. I find a way to push my crutch onto the back seat. Neither of us are looking at each other. I break the silence first.

"So what is it you wanted to talk about?" I ask her. She still doesn't look at me.

"I know you and Elody are talking again," she states. The way she says it makes it almost sound like she's accusing me of cheating on her.

"Yeah, and," I reply sternly, wondering where she's going with this, if she's about to warm me off or tell me not to hurt Elody, as if I would.

"I was kinda thinking that maybe it was time we fixed things too," she says, her voice quiet. She finally turns her head towards me, thick lashes surrounding wide eyes. They look uncertain, like they're searching me for something but they're not quite sure what yet.

"Okay, I'm on board. Talk to me," I tell her, trying to project warmth towards her. She still looks guarded, I want her to know that this is what I want. She sighs loudly.

"Everything's been so weird lately," she starts, twisting her bracelet around her thin wrist as she talks. "Lindsay's been really weird and then Elody started acting weird too, so I confronted her and she told me everything."

"Everything?" I say, trying to hide the trickle of panic that creeps up my spine.

"Just that you guys had been texting and meeting up in secret," Ally clarifies, and I try not to make my sigh of relief too audible. At least Elody hadn't spilled Juliet's secret. "And then she started talking about all the things you'd said to her and how we were wrong about your boyfriend and that he's actually really nice, and how she feels like a bad person and that she wants to be nice to people."

"And how do you feel about that?" I ask her. She looks away.

"Well to be honest I'm pissed that you guys kept it from me," she admits. I can hear the hurt in her voice. It makes me want to reach out and touch her arm.

"It wasn't you we were trying to keep it from, it was Lindsay," I tell her softly, trying to ignore the dull ache in my chest at the pain in her voice. I hate that I did this to them, to all of them, but I had to. "She's not ready to be friends with me like this."

"What, so I don't get my own chance?" she spits at me, angry. Her eyes are shiny and raw as they glare at me.

"I didn't know if you were ready either," I explain, feeling the pain spread from my chest and start to clench in my gut. I sound like I'm pleading with her. "Elody was."

"I still don't know if I am," says Ally, no longer looking at me. A moment of heavy silence passes between us. Ally lets out a frustrated sigh. "This is just a confusing mess."

"I'll help you out." I shift in my seat so I'm facing her, and slowly she turns back towards me. I look right at her, hoping that she can see how genuinely sorry I am for all of this, how much I want this all tension to be over and for us all to be friends again. I hope she can feel how much I want her to accept me how I am.

"Do you miss me?" I ask her.

"Yeah," she replies.

"Do you want us to hang out again?"

"Yeah." I can see her thoughts written on her face. Conflict gleaming in her eyes, confusion arching her eyebrows, anger, forgiveness and reflection dancing in the lines of her cheeks and the pout of her lips.

"Is our friendship more important to you then the possibility of spending time with someone who's not popular?" I ask her. The final and most important question. She doesn't even have to tell me her answer, I can already see the yes as she stares at me from the driver's seat.

"Then you're ready."

"Am I? I'm still angry with you for that fight we had at your place," Ally continues, her voice high pitched and harsh with her confusion. Her bangs have started falling in her eyes, strands of dark hair tangling with her eyelashes. She seems so confused that I wish I could show her, take her into my memories so she can see my entire journey, that would certainly make things clear. "You were a total bitch, why did you do that?"

"I know I was, but what I said you guys needed to hear," I state. I know the things I said to them weren't nice, that I was harsh and blunt and I hurt them but I stand by what I said, no matter how close we are. Sometimes you have to hear the harsh truths in life, and sometimes the people who love you most have to be the ones who tell you. And those harsh truths, while maybe a little too late, I'd hoped would prevent further damage. It's difficult to make them realise that while being bound to secrecy over just how much damage our actions could cause, did cause."You've at least got to admit I was right."

"Yeah you were, so what?" Ally replies icily. I can see that she doesn't want to get nasty with me but she wants me to realise that she's hurting. Little does she know that I can practically feel her hurt swallowing me whole. "We make mistakes and we're shitty sometimes but we're _us_. When did being right become more important than that? When did we stop being enough?"

 _When Juliet Sykes tried to kill herself "_ When I almost died," I reply, my voice like stone. "When our shitty actions had consequences too serious to ignore. I can't go back to treating people like that and pretending it's not doing any damage because it is." My heart is starting to pound in my chest, hot blood rushing though me, whispering along my skin as I hope that I haven't said too much.

"Too serious? What are you talking about?" asks Ally, a whole new level of confusion staring at me.

"You're better off not knowing," Is all I can say. I can't even look at her otherwise I might tell her everything. A part of me wants to tell her, really wants to tell her. It made Elody understand. This would all be so much easier if they had my eyes, my knowledge, my memories.

"Sam!" Ally hisses, annoyed by even more secrecy.

"Just trust me on this one, okay," I beg her. I know that she hears the desperation in my voice because her face suddenly falls, her features soft again. She turns away from me, sucking in a deep calming breath.

"Elody knows, doesn't she?" Ally says quietly, staring straight ahead out of the windscreen at the sun high in the sky between the patchy clouds.

"She wasn't meant to. I let it slip on accident," I confess, wincing with the memory of it. In the end I don't regret letting it slip to Elody, but I do regret breaking my promise to Juliet. It could've ruined the shaky bridge of trust that I'd worked to build with her, but I'm fairly certain that she won't find out. And as much as I think knowing would be better for, well for everyone but Lindsay, I will try to not give myself the opportunity to potentially damage that bridge further.

"That's why she's been so weird," Ally muses aloud, glancing down at her lap. She looks back up towards me after a few seconds, her face blank and pale, her eyes wide with what almost feels like fear.

"Sam, how bad is this thing?" she asks, and I can hear the hesitance, like she's not sure she wants the answer but she's too scared not to ask.

"Very," is all I tell her. One slow, stern word. She swallows as she considers what I've said, I can practically see wheels and cogs turning in her head.

"Then why can't you tell me?" she asks, her voice nearly breaking with desperation. I close my eyes. I hate this as much as she does, all this fighting and secret keeping, but she has no idea of the necessity of it all, and there's no way that I can make this easier for her, or myself.

"Because I promised I wouldn't," I confess. She blinks twice, and her gaze drops to her lap again. I can tell that she's trying to think about who I could possibly be talking about, who se secret that I've promised to keep. Her eyebrows arch up and her mouth falls slightly open. She thinks she has her answer.

"Whoever you promised, it's got to do with them, hasn't it?" she asks, her eyes assuring me that she won't ask any more questions, not after this one. This one will give her all that she needs to put the pieces of the puzzle together herself, even if the most crucial pieces are missing from the box. I wonder what she'll do with the answer to this question, if she's even guessed correctly. I nod.

"I can't tell you any more than that," I say to her. She gives me an acknowledging look, letting me know that she's going to respect my silence but it was not an easy decision.

"I never wanted things to get this messy," I try to reassure her. "I never wanted to fight with you guys,"

"Then why did you?" Ally asks, her voice much harsher this time.

"Because it's not that simple and you know that," I remind her. Our eyes lock for a brief second before we both look away, letting the silence soak up the tension packed into this cramped space. I focus on the clouds outside, their peaceful floating, hoping to draw some of their calming influence into me.

"So where do we go from here?" says Ally after a long silence.

"Well I'd like to go back to being friends," I answer, giving her a soft smile. I love them, despite all of this I love them and I want things to be how they were again, just this time without the added hurting of others. I'm not sure Ally realises that.

"Me too," she confesses. It's quiet, almost reluctant, but it's the answer I was hoping for nonetheless. For a second it feels like a flower just bloomed in the air of this car as were both smiling at each other. It feels like all the hurt and the fighting didn't happen at all. Before I get swept up in the moment I remember to lay some ground rules.

"But I won't tolerate any shit, we've done enough damage," I warm her.

"Right," she responds with an accepting nod.

"Oh, and Keep it from Lindsay, just for now," I add, feeling slightly sad as Ally's smile vanishes, but I can see in her eyes that she understands why it has to be this way, as much as she doesn't like it.

"Okay," she agrees.

I lean over the gearstick, gathering her in my arms and pulling her towards me for a hug. She returns it, wrapping her arms around me and resting her head on my shoulder so that the scent of her shampoo fills my nostrils as her hair tickles my face. I'm beaming into her shoulder so wide it's hurting my face but i don't care. I've got another one of my friends back, and I'm so happy that there might as well be a ball of sunshine in my chest about to burst.

Eventually we let go and Ally drives me home. We don't talk much, but promise to text later. Everything feels like it's coming together now, that's two of my friends talking to me again on top of everything else going well for the new me. I look up at my bedroom ceiling, hoping that it won't be much longer until we're all back together.


	21. Chapter 21

The sun streams in through the wide windows looking out onto Kent's front lawn, showering me in its warmth as I sprawl out on one of the couches in his living room. He really wasn't joking when he said this room feels like being on the sun during the day. I've been here most of the morning. His parents left for a weekend away last night but both his parents and mine agreed no sleepovers until I was off the crutches so he brought me here at about nine. He left me in here admiring the view outside while he cleaned the house up a little. Every time I come here I'm still struck by how beautiful it is, how the sun shines through the trees that surround the house and how the huge expanse of lawn surrounding the house rolls up the edge of the woods.

I've grown so used to seeing this house during the day that I've almost forgotten how it looks at night, how the air in the rooms swims with an inky black and how the shadows from the trees surround the house. When I first started coming over at weekends I could think of nothing but that night and that party and the rooms buzzing with smoke and people and all the emotions I felt there during my re lived days. I'm glad that the new memories I've made here with Kent have shoved out the old ones, like I buried them somewhere under the huge lawn. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't hear Kent come back into the room.

"So, I've got everything ready in the TV room and Juliet just texted me to let me know she's on her way." I hear from somewhere in the room. I blink, turning around to find Kent leaning in the doorway, the sleeves of his blue button down shirt rolled up to his elbows. It's a good look on him.

"Great," I reply, my eyes lingering on his forearms before slowly moving up to his face.

"Shall we head through?" he suggests, and I nod in agreement. I pick my crutch up off the floor and lift myself off the couch.

I follow Kent out through the dining room, into the hallway that leads towards the kitchen. We turn in the opposite direction to the kitchen which leads to the end of the hall and wind up in a large open plan room at the front of the house near the door. A dark brown blanket has been placed on the large couch in the centre of the room and a pile of DVD's and bags of chips and popcorn and candy completely cover a small rectangular table a few feet in front of it. We'd planned a day to hang out, me, Kent and Juliet, once we realised that we'd never all hung out together outside of school, and since Kent had the biggest house he agreed to host.

"Wow, it looks great," I say, my eyes roaming around the room, taking in every detail. "It looks so cozy."

"Well that was the plan so it seems I've done my job well," Kent grins. I move over to the big couch and plant myself right in the middle of it.

"You sure did babe," I reply, sighing into the comfort of the couch cushions. Kent slowly moves towards the couch and sits down next to me. My eyes are instantly drawn to the heart shaped mole sitting on his cheek. I think he notices me staring.

"How long until Juliet gets here?" I ask him, my voice soft with the quietness of the room.

"I don't know. She didn't say how far away she was," he answers, shifting closer towards me. His hand moves up to rest against my cheek. It's warm, he's always so warm.

"Okay," I practically whisper. I'm too distracted by the feeling of Kent's hand on my cheek and the way he's looking at me to put effort into talking. He smiles, and I can't stop looking at his lips, the shape of them, how they sit perfectly on his face. I can feel subtle heat flush my skin. I don't even realise that I'm biting my own lip until Kent's thumb brushes over it, prying it out from where my teeth dig into it.

He moves in first, gently easing his face closer to mine. My eyes flutter closed in anticipation, leaning into the soft warmth of his hand still resting against my cheek until his lips meet mine. The kiss is slow, soft, and I can tell that we're both smiling. His hand moves away from my cheek and slides up into my hair, sitting at the back of my neck. I drape one of my legs over his to make myself more comfortable, wrapping my arm around his waist. I can feel consciousness of anything but this start to slip away from me, trickling out of my mind like melted butter as all I can focus on is this moment and his lips and the slow heat that's spreading through my veins. I don't know how long we stay like this, the concept of time has ran away from me, but we are harshly interrupted by a vibration in his pants pocket that brings us both back to our senses.

We jump apart as Kent pulls the cell phone out of his pocket. As he looks at the screen I feel all the heat that had built up inside me start to drain away. My pulse starts slowing as my cheeks begin to cool. It still stuns me, just how many ways kissing can make you feel, and it stuns me even more when I realise what I almost missed out on, all the things I almost never got the chance to experience. How those memories of my life before the accident were almost all I had.

"That was Juliet," Kent explains. His cheeks are red too. "She's just parked her car."

"Ok," I say, adjusting myself into a more comfortable position now that I'm aware of the pain in my legs and torso again. We're pretty quiet until a small knock on the front door grabs our attention. Juliet walks in through the front door, shucking off a thin grey cardigan to reveal a striped t shirt of the same colour, her hair in a ponytail.

"Hey guys," she says, draping the cardigan bundled up in her hands over the back of the couch. "Thanks for inviting me over, you didn't have to."

"It's no problem, really," I tell her.

"Really, because I kinda feel like I'm crashing your date," she says. I laugh.

"Trust me, once you two get talking about art I'm going to be the one feeling like a third wheel." We're now both laughing. It's true though, with Kent and me dating, him and Juliet's shared love of art and mine and Juliet's complicated history I guess that all of us become the awkward third friend.

"So how was your morning?" Kent asks Juliet, leaning over the back of the couch so his shadow sits over me. She's sat in one of the big armchairs scattered around the room, leaning back against its fat cushions. She looks comfortable.

"Yeah it was okay," she answers, giving Kent a small smile. We all know that Saturday mornings are when Juliet meets with her therapist as part of the outpatient programme she's on. She doesn't talk about it very much but we always ask how it went as vaguely as possible, so she can talk about it if she wants to but if she doesn't then we can all pretend like it was just a normal morning.

"Good," replies Kent, nodding his head so a few strands of hair fall in his eyes. A few moments of silence pass between us before we decide to get started with this afternoon's plans.

"So ladies," Kent begins, walking around the couch to the table in the middle of the room. "Which of the many DVD's shall we be watching first?"

He lays all the cases out on the rug. There are eight movie options, all of them old classics. Kent draws the curtains across the wide window facing out onto the front lawn as me and Juliet look down at the movies.

"I haven't seen like half of these," Juliet confesses. She's kneeling down on the floor and I'm now in the chair where she was previously sitting, my crutch resting against its arm.

"Me neither," I admit. When I had sleepovers with the girls, we never really watched old movies, always the newer ones, and Lindsay would never watch anything sad, she always said that she thought making yourself sad on purpose was a stupid idea. And by the time we hit junior year movie marathons had been replaced by parties.

"Well that should make choosing a movie all the more interesting," Kent chimed in from over by the curtains. Once they were completely pulled the room became shrouded in a strange darkness until Kent turned on the light. He joined us around the movies, sitting cross legged on the floor beside my chair. After some discussion we decide that the first movie will be something we've all watched, and we decide on Grease.

"I haven't watched this since forever," I say as Kent picks up the rest of the cases and puts them back on the table.

"Me neither," Juliet adds. We all get up and move to the big couch in the middle which faces the wall mounted flat screen TV. Juliet sits on the end and I slide back into my spot in the middle, leaving Kent a space on my right.

"You girls want anything to drink?" asks Kent as he slides the DVD in. "Water, juice, soda?"

"I'll just have some coke," I tell him.

"Me too," adds Juliet.

"Okay, so that's three cokes," he says and disappears through the door at the back of the room that we came in through. Me and Juliet exchange glances.

Kent comes back with the drinks and shuts off the light, hitting play. We spend most of the movie laughing; at the dialogue, some of the dancing, and when Kent started singing along to the songs and tried, but ultimately failed to get us to join in. By the time the movie is over and we've made our way through one of the bags of chips, my sides ache from laughing so much.

"Wow," Kent says through broken up laughter as he sits back down after getting the movie back in its case. He'd danced all the way to the TV, causing me to spit coke all over the blanket we had draped over our laps.

"You know," I say. "I never realised just how bad the message of that movie is. The whole you have to change to get people to like you thing, I can't believe I never noticed that before."

"I don't think anybody does when their young," Kent responds. "And despite its bad messages it's still one of the greatest movies ever made."

"Maybe we should even it out by watching one with a good message next," adds Juliet. "If there's one in there."

"Oh there is," Kent says with a grin. "Girls I know what we're watching next."

So he puts on the next movie and we watch and cry our way through The Breakfast Club. By the end I can't believe I've never watched this movie before. I'd heard of it but never actually watched it before, and it makes me wonder why. It makes me wonder if any of the girls have seen it and what they thought of it. I wonder what happened to the group on Monday, if they all stayed friends and I find myself seriously desperate to know. I look then at the people sat either side of me, and I think to myself how we almost have our own little breakfast club, only the way we all came together was a whole lot messier and complicated.

It's early evening now and Kent suggests ordering a pizza. We're all on board so we head from the TV room to the kitchen so Kent can find the take out menu. The room goes comfortably quiet, Kent has his head in a drawer, Juliet pulls her cardigan back on as she leans against the countertop. I tell them that I'm just going to grab my purse, which I'd left in another room. I make my way through to the living room, remembering how this house once felt like a maze and now it's like a second home. I look at my phone, one new message.

 **Lindz just told us she's going to NY next weekend. Wanna hang out?**

It's from Ally. I'm so excited that I almost squeal. I text back immediately, telling her that I'm in, my mind already whirling with all the things that me, Ally and Elody will be doing together. It'll be strange without Lindsay there but we're not the same people we used to be anymore. Those old memories are now just that. I shove my phone back in my purse and head back into the kitchen, thinking of the two people in there and all the memories I'll make with them as well as with my old friends. Those two worlds don't have to collide unless I want them to, and I do, I just know that it's not that simple. And right now, as long as both groups of people are okay with me spending time with the group that's not them, all I can do is look forward to making memories with all of them.


	22. Chapter 22

"What'd you think?" Marian asked, holding up a cropped black and white polka dotted t shirt. Juliet looked up from where she was staring off in the distance, turning towards her sister's voice.

"It's nice," she answered somewhat unconvincingly. While it wasn't to her taste exactly, she knew her sister would like it.

"Yeah?" Marian questioned. Juliet nodded.

"It's also the fifth shirt you've put in that basket," she added, wondering how Marian planned on paying for everything she'd shoved in there since they entered the store. "How much extra did mom give you?"

"Enough alright, chill out," answered Marian dismissively, placing the t shirt in with the others. She smiled at her sister.

"I can't even remember why she gave you it," said Juliet.

"Hey, our team made it to the semi finals and I got an A in my math test," Marian reminded her, placing her hand on her chest and feigning upset that Juliet had forgotten. "So she said I could treat myself."

"Fair enough," Juliet replied, rolling her eyes and smiling over her sister's dramatics.

Marian's eyes darted around the store in search of her next item, but then she had an idea. Juliet was originally only going to give her a lift to the mall to meet her friends, but Marian talked her into coming too. She couldn't remember the last time Juliet had bought clothes for herself, so she turned to her sister and grinned.

"We need to find you something too," declared Marian. Juliet blinked at her sister, taken aback by her suggestion and enthusiasm.

"No we don't," she disagreed. Marian rolled her eyes.

"C'mon, when was the last time you bought yourself clothes?" she asked Juliet as they walked between clothing racks.

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, you deserve to treat yourself," said Marian, her persistent tone making it clear that she wasn't going to drop it. Juliet tried to think of an excuse.

"I'm not sure I have the money," she lied. Marian saw right through it.

"Bull shit," she exclaimed, staring with disbelief at her sister. "You only spend your allowance on gas and stuff at the craft store, you've got to have enough left over."

"I'm saving it," Juliet responded. Not a total lie.

"I'm sure you won't miss twenty dollars," Marian replied. Juliet just rolled her eyes and continued walking around the store.

Marian Sykes was on a mission. She pulled out every item of clothing the fit her sister's style and presented it to her, encouraging her to buy it. Most of the time Juliet found a fault with the item or just rolled her eyes and laughed, and sometimes she pretended she was interested, but then turned and put the item back on the rack, much to her sister's annoyance. Marian noticed that despite being stubborn Juliet definitely seemed livelier, and she laughed more than Marian had seen her laugh in over a year.

"What about this? It's really cute," Marian suggested, lifting the hanger off the rack and presenting a dress to her sister. Juliet looked at it longingly. It was cream with a floral pattern and styled like a sleeveless button down at the top, the skirt probably falling at mid thigh. Exactly the kind of dress she liked.

"It is," Juliet sighed, her fingers grazing the fabric of the skirt. "But I think the skirt might be a little too short."

"It is not," Marian argued, running her fingers down the length of the dress. "And when was the last time you wore a dress?"

Coming to think of it, Marian couldn't actually remember. During last summer Juliet always wore cut-offs or long flowing skirts that went down to her ankles. She remembered light-heartedly teasing her about her not wanting to get a tan. Looking back on it now Marian wondered if there were more to it, and then she suddenly found herself thinking of an uncomfortable memory from her freshman year at Thomas Jefferson.

 _Marian had been at Jefferson high for two months; she'd made friends, joined the swim team, and was so far doing well in her classes, despite complaining about the amount of homework. Juliet hadn't given her much advice on what high school was going to be like. Whenever she'd asked Juliet always gave her vague answers, and in the summer leading up to her freshman year, something about Juliet seemed different, her answers were shorter, and she always seemed angry when Marian asked, so she stopped._

 _It was a chilly autumn night and Marian was working her way through homework, which is all she seemed to be doing right now, whilst texting her friend Beth for help. She got up to pee, hoping Juliet would be out of the shower by now because she poked her head in the door to say she was taking one like twenty minutes ago. Marian walked the small length of hallway between her bedroom and the bathroom she shared with Juliet, twisting the handle. The door opened, revealing Juliet sat on the toilet wrapped in a towel, red smears covering her exposed legs._

" _Get out!" she screamed, and in a panic Marian closed the door again. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she wondered what she'd just seen._

" _Are you okay Juliet?" Marian called through the door. "Was that blood?"_

" _Just a minute," Juliet replied. Marian listened to the soft sounds of movement on the other side of the door. She'd been worried about Juliet all afternoon. Earlier today there were rumours of pictures of a naked student being put up around the school. Marian hadn't paid much attention, but when she and her friends passed one of them in the hall, one of her friends pointed to it and said 'hey, isn't that your sister?' And surely enough a picture of Juliet in the locker room showers was what they were looking at. She immediately took it down and threw it in the trash, and couldn't bring herself to ask about it when Juliet drove them home from school and then disappeared into her room. Marian startled a little when Juliet opened the door._

" _Sorry about that," She said, holding the towel over her chest, her wet hair dripping onto the hall carpet._

" _Are you okay?" Marian asked again, failing to hide her concern._

" _Fine," Answered Juliet with a weak smile. Marian notices her sister's eyes, they seemed wider than normal, and watery. "It was nothing, just my period. I was just grabbing a tampon." Marian nodded but was far from convinced that it was the truth._

" _Sorry," Said Marian, cringing. "We really need to get dad to replace the lock on this door."_

" _I know," Agreed Juliet, stepping out into the hallway. Marian stared at the flecks of blood still under her fingernails._

" _Well, all yours," Juliet said as she walked back to her room, her smile looking more like a wince._

" _Thanks," Replied Marian as she walked in and shut the door. She looked around the bathroom, the wet shower curtain and mirror that was a little less steamed up than it should've been. The little spots of blood on the toilet seat that Juliet hadn't cleaned up. It would be the first of several strange encounters with her sister that Marian would keep to herself._

"I just prefer longer skirts, is that a crime?" Juliet replied, flashing a smile to distract Marian from the defensive undertones in her voice. She could feel the thin prickle of sweat on her forehead.

"No of course not," Marian replied, rolling her eyes. "I just think you should give it a chance, that's all." Juliet swallowed, taking in the dress once more.

"You could try it on if you're not sure," suggested Marian, noting the conflicted look on her sister's face.

"No," she answered hastily, taking the dress from her sister's hands and examining the price tag. "You're right I do like it, I just don't think I'll have anywhere to wear it."

"Well it's not exactly fancy," stated Marian. "And you have friends that you hang out with, I'm sure you'll do stuff with them."

"Yeah, I'm just being ridiculous," Juliet responded, shaking her head. Her eyes fell to the dress again. It was perfect, but she'd been hiding herself behind baggy clothes in a hope of making herself shrink to invisibility for so long that she wasn't sure if she was ready to give that up. Juliet didn't even know what size she was, she'd lost so much weight in junior year when she started under eating but knew she'd put some of it back on over the last two months. She sighed, she knew things were different now. She'd been able to move forward with Sam, and she was certainly feeling much better in herself now, so maybe she should display that change on the outside as much as she felt it on the inside.

"So, are you getting it?" asked Marian, who'd been waiting for an answer for the past forty seconds.

"I am," declared Juliet, placing the dress in Marian's basket.

"Good for you," exclaimed Marian. The two girls smiled at each other, giggling a little bit before Marian urged them on to continue their shopping. They paid for their clothes and then Marian dragged Juliet around three more stores before they met Marian's friends for lunch. Juliet walked up to the food court with nerves pulsing through her chest, but she swallowed them, putting on a smile as Marian lead them to a table full of kids announcing 'guys, this is my sister Juliet' with a proud smile on her face.

They sat down and talked and ate, and no comments were made or snide looks exchanged across the table. Juliet felt completely relaxed with them. They talked to her and she talked back to them, happy to be involved rather than staying quiet and wishing she wasn't there. Juliet tried the dress on when they got back, still smiling when she walked in the door. She stood in front of her bedroom mirror, the dress hanging on her thin frame. The top half fit perfectly, no hanging or bunching over the belt that sat at her waist. The skirt tumbled down to the middle of her narrow thighs, only just revealing the strikes of uneven skin that made their way up like a ladder. She went to grab the hem, seeing if the skirt would fall further, but stopped. They weren't obvious, and at the least almost a year old, they were the past. She looked up at herself, thinking about the person she was now that she never thought she would ever be. Her eyes roved over the dress once more, enjoying how it looked and felt on her. It was one small step towards an even better future.


	23. Chapter 23

The air has a pleasant warmth to it as I walk across the busy parking lot, herds of students filing onto bright yellow buses and scrambling between cars to reach theirs, desperate for the freedom that the end of the school day brings. Juliet is walking alongside me, and in front of me when we have to squeeze between parked vehicles, scrambling around in her backpack for her car keys. Kent has to stay afterschool to do some work for the Tribulation and he was my ride home, so Juliet offered to take me, seeing as her sister had swimming. Beads of sweat start to form on my brow as the sun beats down on us, and I find myself momentarily annoyed that Juliet parks her car so far away from the school building. She leads me over to a white Honda Civic, an old one, unlocking it and motioning for me to get in the passenger's side door.

"Do you need help?" she calls over the top of the car. I'm just slipping my crutch into the back.

"No thanks, I got this," I reply, dropping my purse under the seat before sitting down in the passenger's seat. Juliet makes sure I'm comfortable before getting in herself. The car isn't much, it's clean but the seats are made of an old scratchy fabric and the vanilla air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror has almost completely faded. Juliet starts the car and after a short queue to get out of the parking lot, we're on our way.

"So, got any plans tonight?" asks Juliet over the low hum of the radio.

"No," I answer. "What about you?"

"No," she replies almost immediately, her tone almost sounding as if the idea of that happening was highly improbable. But it's not, not any more.

"Maybe Instead of taking me home we could go some place?" I suggest, keeping my voice a little unsure. I don't know why I still feel apprehensive about trying to make plans with her, like I've got to tiptoe around her even after all these months. I suppose I just don't want her to feel pressured into anything despite the fact we're pretty used to each other now. "Or we could hang out at your place?"

"Sure, why not," She answers, quickly altering the car's route to accommodate our change of plans. I feel a surge of excitement swoop through me, mixing with anticipation.

We don't talk very much for the rest of the journey, just silently listen to the radio. Juliet turns it up when a song she likes comes on, and old one by an artist I don't know. We pull into her driveway and get out of the car. When we get inside the house, Juliet tells me to wait in the hall while she quickly stops in the kitchen. I look at the long empty hallway, remembering the first time I stood here, cold air and shadows creeping up the walls, my hair dripping wet. It feels less cold now that it's not dark, but something about it still feels kind of strange.

Juliet returns from the kitchen holding a peeled orange, popping one segment into her mouth. She's also got what looks like a folded up piece of paper between her fingers. I find myself unable to stop wondering what's written on it, my mind sewing my lips shut before I ask.

"Upstairs?" she suggests, and we head up, her going first and me lagging behind. The upstairs hallway is surprisingly bare; deep brown carpet, no artwork, and three pictures hanging on the walls. The one at the top of the stairs is obviously a young Juliet, she's sat by herself in front of a professional backdrop, her white blonde hair in a ponytail and a sweet smile on her face. She must be about six years old. I can't make out the other two photos. The hall light has no lampshade so the whole hallway feels like it's almost bleached with light. For a second it starts to hurt my eyes. Juliet then opens the door right at the top of the stairs and lets me into her room.

"Well, here's my room," states Juliet as I follow her over the threshold. "I'm sorry if it's a little messy."

It wasn't. It was also nothing like I expected her room to be. I wasn't sure how I first pictured it, but it definitely wasn't this. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect it to be some kind of dark emo pit with black curtains and disturbing messages written in red on the walls, but I also didn't think it would be so light.

It's so light in here the room feels almost bare, like white noise. It feels like it could almost be heaven. The walls are white and the furniture is white and the bed. The only splashes of colour around the room are the pale blue tones worked into the room, like the carpet and the curtains and the blue and white striped comforter, and the explosion of art on the walls. Her walls are covered in drawings and paintings, some of them obviously dating back to her childhood. There's a vanity table between the windows covered in paints and brushes and boxes of pencils, and an easel set up in the middle of the room. This is without a doubt an artist's room.

"It's so," the words fall out of my mouth and I don't even realise. "Light in here."

"I know," Juliet's voice sounds from beside me. She's now sat on the bed, fiddling with the ruffles along the bottom of her floral chiffon blouse. "We're talking about painting it a different colour over the summer, something pastel."

"Yeah?" I say, looking from Juliet to the wall I didn't see when I walked in. She has a bookshelf built into the wall but not much on it, though I do notice a stack of library books lingering on the bottom shelf. Also there are little sticky notes on the door of her closet. I inch further towards the bed so I'm not tempted to get close enough to read them.

"Yeah," Confirms Juliet who is still playing with her shirt, staring at the cream fabric twisted around her fingers. "Apparently the colour's not good for me so we're making it a little brighter in here."

"Oh right," I say, suddenly remembering a comment or article or something about colour and mood, and how yellow is the best colour room for someone to have if they want to be happy. I thought it sounded a little like bullshit at the time but maybe it does work after all.

"Sit," Juliet says quietly, shoving her backpack out of the way for me to sit down next to her. I blink, realising that I'd been in my own head staring into space and she probably felt awkward with me just standing there, so I sit down.

"Your room's nice," I tell her.

"Thanks," she replies shyly. And then it hits me that I'm probably the first person she's had in her room since Lindsay that wasn't her family. My mind is suddenly reeling. Was it this room? Or did she move into this room after. I try to picture Lindsay and Juliet in here playing together, sat on the carpet passing toys to each other, having sleepovers.

"All this art is amazing," I say when I realise I'm staring into space again, awkwardness creeping up my spine.

"Thanks," she laughs. "Some of them are from when I was like four."

"I don't think I have anything that old up in my room," I wonder aloud. "I used to really love horses, they were my favourite thing in the whole world." The words start tumbling out of my mouth and then it occurs to me that I haven't told anyone this, not since I became friends with the girls, out of fear of embarrassment. Juliet looks a little surprised at first, her eyebrows darting up for a second, but she's not laughing, she's listening.

"And then of course when I became popular I had to let it all go because it was embarrassing and childish," I tell her, laughing it off because it was so long ago and it all seems so stupid now, but I'll never forget how desperately I wanted Lindsay to like me. I wonder if Juliet ever felt that.

"Whoever said popularity was everything lied," Juliet says. If I had a glass of something right now I'd raise it to that statement.

"It just took me too long to see that," I sigh, thinking about all the pressure and drama and how different things could've been if I'd known that from the start. Maybe I never would've had that accident in the first place, or even be sat here right now. "Hey, when you were friends with Lindsay did she make you give up stuff you liked?"

"No," Juliet confesses. The brightness fades from her eyes, a light blinking out. "But I think we were too young for that." I remember that she still has the friendship necklace Lindsay gave her. Its somewhere in this room. "She did make me do whatever she wanted to do though."

"Of course she did," I add, and we look at each other and laugh. It feels so strange but at the same time not at all. To think that we had the same best friend, who is now talking to neither of us. I wonder if Juliet misses her, or has everything that's happened left her feeling nothing but hatred. She opens her mouth like she's about to say something, and I catch a look of nervousness in her eyes with makes me think that she's going to tell me about the camping trip, but then she looks away. On that Friday she didn't hesitate to tell me at all, I wonder what's making her keep that secret now.

"Did you manage to find those shoes you wanted for prom?" she says instead after a too long silence.

"Yeah," I answer, smiling. "Mom's picking them up for me on Saturday." Our prom is in thirteen days. I have my dress, my date and am genuinely looking forward to something I thought I'd never get to attend. It's also the first time I plan on going out without my crutch.

"You know, it's not too late to change your mind about going," I tell Juliet, noticing the way her eyes brighten a little when I talk about it.

"No, seriously, I'm happy not going," she assures me, for what must feel like the hundredth time judging by the look on her face. The feigned exasperation disappears and she turns to me, her eyes serious. "At least now it actually feels like it was my choice."

I can see it on her face, how important this is for her. For her to be able to say that she _had_ the option to go and _chose_ not to, and I want to kick myself because before all this I saw going to prom as my right, and even now it was something that I always assumed would happen. I suppose it just indicates that no matter how well we think we understand others, we'll never be able to fully see past our own experiences.

"Well, if you're sure," I say, watching the small smile that forms on her face. "I'll take lots of pictures for you."

"Thanks," she laughs.

Things go silent for a while, Juliet finishes eating the discarded half orange that she left sitting on her bed, and then we talk. At first she asks me basic questions, details about prom and stuff, and then I start to ask her questions, and at first she starts to look a little bit scared but then she relaxes. We talk about Lindsay, about both our experiences of being her friend, and then she does it, she tells me. I can see the start of tears brimming in her eyes as she confesses the secret she's kept for so long, the one that ruined her life.

She tells it differently this time, more hesitantly, and I realise that the first time she told me this story that she did so because she thought she had nothing to lose, that she was never going to see the consequences of telling me the tale. I don't ask her why she kept it this time, I know the answer. Instead I suggest we head downstairs and get something to drink because the air is hot with tension and regret and spilled secrets. We get down there where it feels much calmer, but midway through our glasses of water someone unlocks the front door.

"Juliet honey, I'm home," Calls her mother's voice from the hall. Juliet sighs, releasing the tension that shot through her when she heard the door open.

"In the kitchen," she shouts, drumming her spindly fingers against the kitchen table.

"You're going to have to pick your sister up later sweetheart," the voice from the hall continues until Juliet's mother walks into the kitchen. She looks a lot different this time, in a grey pantsuit rather than a bathrobe, and she doesn't sound so afraid, like the slightest noise would startle her. Maybe she's only like that when Juliet's father is around. "Your father called, he needs driving to a meeting...oh hello there, I didn't know you had company."

Mrs Sykes stops mid stride, blonde hair bouncing around her shoulders. Her ice blue eyes landing on me sat at her table. Heat starts creeping into my cheeks, nerves twisting in my stomach as I wonder which way this encounter is going to go.

"Hi, I'm Sam," I say awkwardly like a fifth grader with the awkward wave to match. Mrs Sykes puts her purse down on the kitchen counter and looks me up and down once more, her eyes then falling to my crutch.

"Hi, Sam," she responds, her face still no indicator of whether this will go well or not. "Sam? Are you the girl that-"

"Yes," Juliet and I say in unison before she has a chance to finish.

"Oh, well I'm so happy to finally meet you," beams Mrs Sykes. She walks over to where I'm sat and touches my arm. "Thank you so much for what you did for our girl."

"I'm sure anyone would've done it," I say, trying to force myself to sound modest in order to cover up the awkward. I wonder if she even knows why I did it.

"But that someone was you dear," she says, staring down at me with such genuine happiness that for a second I want the floor to swallow me. "And I can't tell you how grateful I am."

"Alright mom, I'm sure she gets the message," says Juliet, clearly as uncomfortable as I am."Anyway I was just about to take Sam home."

"Oh," her mom sighs, turning to face Juliet. "And sorry for embarrassing you honey but this is my first time meeting her so I wanted to thank her." _You wouldn't have thanked me the real first time you met me_ I think to myself.

"Well it was lovely to meet you and I hope you come again soon," Mrs Sykes says to me, and I smile and nod, readying myself to leave.

"You too," I reply, politely saying goodbye as Juliet and I move down the hall. She pulls her keys from her jeans pocket, opening the door. We hear her mom shout us once more.

"Safe journey sweetheart," she calls to Juliet. "And ask your sister what she wants for dinner. It was a pleasure meeting you Sam."

I call out my final goodbye, and Juliet apologises for her mother once we're in her car. I wonder what her mother used to think of Lindsay, how pleased she must have felt about Juliet having friends over again, after so long. I think of how we're all tangled together, how one person could turn the tables in both our lives and then do it again. It makes me miss her, and I know now that I have to get my best friend back.


	24. Chapter 24

I change the channel on the TV, trying to remember the last time I was this bored on a Saturday afternoon. Kent is out of town with his parents and the girls are both busy, probably with prom preparations since its three days away. I have everything done already. I've been trying to find something to amuse myself all day but nothing's been working. Right now I'm slumped on the couch in a position I really should move out of because it's causing my ribs to ache. Pickle is sleeping on my lap, wriggling and snoring and creating a warm spot that's getting a little bit uncomfortable. I sigh, settling on a channel when I hear someone come in through the front door.

"Sam, Lindsay's here," my dad calls from the hallway. He was outside cleaning out the garage. I have to replay the words in my head to make sure I actually heard him correctly.

"She is?" I reply. Pickle has already jumped off of my lap and ran barking towards the front door.

"Were you not expecting her?" my dad yells back. He obviously doesn't know that we haven't been talking for the last month, or he does and is just being polite for her sake.

"No, I wasn't," I call back, hoisting myself off the couch, a manoeuvre I have perfected now, and grabbing my crutch. I make my way out into the hall and see her standing there next to my dad, Pickle running around her feet.

"Hey," I say to her, trying to hide the fact that on the list of things I was expecting to happen today, seeing her standing in my hallway was at the far bottom of the list. She smiles at me and it feels about as relaxed as I do.

"Hey, we need to talk," she says, turning her head towards the stairs. Her tone gives no indication of what she's here for or what the nature of this conversation is going to be. Something nervous and uncomfortable settles in my stomach as I agree. I wonder if this is going to be the chance I've been waiting for to talk to her, to tell her that I want us to be friends again. Things have gone so well with the other girls, I just need for us to talk and for her to understand and then we will be us again.

She doesn't wait for me as she climbs the stairs, marching up them as I lag behind. She reaches the top and disappears when I'm about halfway up. I assume she's gone straight to my room, and surely enough when I get up there I find her sitting on my bed, waiting.

"So, you wanted to talk?" I say as I close the door behind me. Lindsay doesn't look up from where her eyes are trained on a spot of my bedroom wall.

"Whatever's going on between you and the other girls needs to stop," she says, turning her head so she's staring right at me.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Lindsay says, her voice harsh. I can feel anger start boiling inside of me. This was not going to be quite the conversation I imagined. "Whatever it is you're doing with the girls needs to stop right now."

"Hang on," I start, suddenly furious. Who the hell does she think she is? She can't just demand I stop doing things, she probably doesn't even know the full story. "You can't just come in here and start telling me what to do. You can't just demand I stop spending time with my friends."

"I just did," she spits back, rising from where she was sitting and moving towards me like she's about to square me up. "I care about them, I don't want you hurting them by pretending to be their friend again."

"I'm not," I fire back, heat flooding to my face. I can tell this conversation is going to be pretty unpleasant if that's what she thinks I'm doing. "Did they actually tell you what's going on? I wouldn't do that, not to them."

"Well how would I know, I don't even recognise you anymore," She snaps, her eyes darkening as they focus on me. "You're just going to confuse them, make them think you're still normal and I'm not having it. You're not going to do that to them."

"Oh please," I scoff, finding the idea that I'm hanging out with them to confuse them pathetically hilarious. "Don't talk about them like you know what's better for them than they do, they can make decisions without you, you know. And you know what, they want to spend time with me. I didn't seek them out, they came to me. They like me for who I am now." I see something flash in Lindsay's eyes, something mixed in with the fire. It almost looks like fear.

"Well you've obviously been brainwashing them," She states, and I can see it all over her face. She's afraid of me, the same way she's afraid of Juliet. She thinks I'm going to tell the other girls she's a fraud. She knows I've seen through her indestructible act, seen her for the person she truly is, the one she wants to keep buried down, hidden from everyone. And now that I see the real her she thinks I'm going to tell them. She thinks I'm going to ruin her.

"Brainwashing? Don't be pathetic. They can make up their own minds," I say, focussing now on the fearful glint in her eye that she's trying so hard to push back down. All the lines of her face are tight with the effort. "You just can't handle the fact they might think I was right back when we had that fight."

"I don't give a shit about what you said during that fight," she answers me, her voice stern but her eyes betraying her. She knows I was right, I can see how much defence she's throwing at me because she can't hide her shit from me anymore. "But after it I can't understand why you would possibly spend time with them unless you weren't planning to hurt them, so whatever it is you're planning on doing is not going to happen."

"This is why I asked if they'd told you what was going on," I say, my voice a considerable amount calmer than hers. It hits me then that she thinks I wouldn't want to be friends with her, or any of them again now that I've taken off the rose-tinted shades I was viewing our friendship through. She thinks now that I've called her out that there's no way I would want to be around her. She couldn't have this more wrong. "Because if they had then you would know that I never wanted to have that fight with you guys, I still wanted us to be friends. But the accident changed things."

"Well why did it?" Lindsay asks her voice hard and snappy. "Everything was fine then. Why did you have to go and ruin it?"

"No, everything was not fine, we just couldn't see it," I fire back, feeling my blood pressure start to pick up again. Lindsay stares at me, her jaw fixed and her lips pursed. "We were hurting people, you must know that. I don't want to hurt those people anymore, they don't deserve it, not over something as meaningless as popularity."

"Well why do you think you can have that and still be friends with us?" Lindsay spits, her nostrils flaring and eyes widening. "You don't want to be popular, fine, but you can't hang out with the freaks and with us. You can't have it both ways Sam, It doesn't work like that."

"Yes it does," I fire back, starting to feel the heavy throb of blood pumping through the veins in my face. "Elody and Ally have no problem with it, you're the only one being difficult."

"Just because you had a complete personality change doesn't mean I have to," She snarls at me. I can see the rage boiling inside her over the fact she knows Elody and Ally are fine with me being friends with the non popular kids.

"Except I didn't," I tell her, watching her every move, every flash of emotion on her face under the hardness. "And that's not what I'm saying."

"Yeah it is," she snaps, her lip curling up like a snarling dog. "You want me friends with you and your freaky boyfriend and psycho Sykes, I mean the fact that you're even friends with her in the first place-"

"What, the fact I discovered that there's actually nothing wrong with her," I fume, almost laughing with how angry I am. I take a second to watch Lindsay's face as my words sink in, watch the sudden look of terror on her face like an animal catching sight of a car heading right towards it. "Scratch that, she's pretty messed up because of the things _we_ did to her, but other than that she's totally normal." The terrified look in Lindsay's eyes almost makes me feel smug. She completely freezes. Her face falls hard as stone, her eyes suddenly emotionless. I watch her fingers twitch as she clenches her fist beside her and I know she was about to start biting a fingernail but stopped herself. She knows I've uncovered the truth and has no idea what to do about it.

"So do I want you hanging out with my friends, no," I say, making my voice steadier, watching Lindsay squirm where she stands and try to hide it. "But I want to make sure that we never do that to another person again."

The silence that follows is like a black hole, the atmosphere between us so think it's tangible. Neither of us can bring ourselves to look at each other, the tension growing thicker. Lindsay mutters something, so quietly that I can't hear. She still looks terrified.

"What was that?"I ask her.

"I said I know," she shouts, her voice breaking like she's seconds away from crying. It feels like all the blood has drained from my body, leaving my insides cold. I don't even realise that my mouth has fallen open until let out a breath that had escaped from my mind as soon as the words came out of her mouth. What does she know? Does this mean she knows about…

"What, you think I don't know what really happened the night of your accident," Explains Lindsay, all anger gone from her voice, now it's just cold. "I'm not stupid, I worked it out eventually."

"Then why did you tell everyone that she pushed me," I ask, remembering various rumours I'd been asked to confirm or deny at school.

"I didn't," says Lindsay. I look at her and I see nothing, no emotion at all. For a second she almost looks like Juliet did, that complete lack of feeling, that obvious emptiness. That totally black void that made you shudder just looking into it. "I wasn't responsible for how other people interpreted what I said."

"Well what did you say? And why did you spread it, why not say nothing?" I ask her.

"I said that the accident was her fault," she answers flatly, and I can see the answer to the second question written on her face. _To hide the fact that it was mine._

"Lindsay, that accident was my fault," I tell her, because I know that right now she needs someone to tell her that it wasn't her fault, even if she'd never admit it. See, that's the thing about best friends, they see what you don't want them too and will help you out without ever letting you know that they saw. "Juliet certainly didn't want me to stop her."

Once more everything goes silent. For an entire minute no one talks, Lindsay can't even look at me. She just stares down at the floor, her hands balled into fists hanging by her sides.

"So you two are friends now?" Asks Lindsay still not looking up, and if I wasn't someone who knew her I wouldn't even hear the fear in her voice as she says it.

"I guess so, yeah." I reply. "We're not like, best friends or anything but we hang out."

"Does she talk?" Lindsay says, and I know exactly what she's asking. She wants to know if I know about the camping trip.

"About you?" Lindsay doesn't even nod, just blinks once. "No she doesn't, and I don't think she ever will." I don't know what makes me decide not to tell her the truth, and maybe I will one day but not today. I think the most important thing that Lindsay needs to know right now is that Juliet isn't going to tell anyone their secret, even years later after all the pain that it caused.

Lindsay nods. I think about just how messy and complicated this all is, how Lindsay knew what she was doing all along and hated herself for it, because she thought that was better than the alternative. She hurt people so they wouldn't see who she really was and hurt her, because she feels she deserves it just for being who she is. Its surreal to think how just one moment changed the lives two people so permanently, how that's how little it takes for your entire life to be turned upside down.

"Being friends with her feels so long ago now," She says to nobody but herself.

"And I'm super pissed with you," I say. I might be willing to keep her darkest secret but that doesn't mean I've let her off the hook for her shitty behaviour. "I wouldn't have ever treated her that way if it wasn't for you, none of us would." I'm aware that this is probably a lie, we would have, the same way everyone else did, but if Lindsay hadn't have been so direct about it then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad.

"I know," she says, and I can tell that she's accepted my anger. She's accepted that she deserves it. She swallows, hard. "And I'm really sorry, about all of it."

Her apology takes me by surprise, but I can tell that she definitely means it. She steps back, distancing herself from me. Her face has sunk and her eyes have gone blank and I can see how hard this was for her, so I know what I need to do now. I need to reassure her that she's not weak for admitting her faults. She's admitted she was wrong and now she needs to know that there's nothing wrong with that, that nobody is going to love her any less because she admitted that she isn't flawless.

"I know, and I'm proud of you Lindz," I tell her, moving closer. She doesn't step any further back. "I know what it must have taken for you to admit that, and that's huge, even if I'm the only person you ever say it to, you still said it." She doesn't say anything to me, she just looks at me, but that look tells me everything I need to know.

"Come sit down," I request, moving myself over towards my bed where I sit and Lindsay follows. The space between us feels ripe with tension and my chest is tingling and swirling with hurt and frustration and excitement because I know I'm getting through to her. I reach out and put my hand on her arm. She doesn't pull away.

"I understand," I tell her softly. She lifts her head from where it was focused on her lap, her eyes looking at me with vulnerability I've never seen her allow herself before. "I understand why you did it but it's not okay."

"I know," she sighs, sounding completely done with the world. "But it's too late, what would be the point in changing now."

"Hey, it's never too late," I say to her, thinking of the power those four words have had. "Yeah you can't take back what you've done but you can start over. People grow and change all the time, and if I have and the other girls have then why can't you?"

"It's not that simple, she replies flatly.

"Listen to me," I start, looking her right in the eyes. "You're awesome, people would love you anyway, even without the indestructible tough act. Nobody is going to think any less of you for letting yourself be vulnerable, least of all me. I see you for who you are, all of your qualities and all of your flaws and I still love you, you're still my best friend. And hurting other people to protect yourself, you don't need to do that. There's nothing you need to protect yourself from."

Lindsay doesn't say anything, she just kind of stares at me. Her eyes are gleaming and a small twitch in her cheek tells me she's trying not to cry.

"You're my best friend, so its my job to tell you to get your shit together," I continue, trying to add a more upbeat tone to my voice. "You don't need to be perfect all the time, with me, or anyone for that matter. But I'm not going to leave you just because you fuck up."

"This is a lot bigger than a fuck up Sam," she says, her voice heavy and thoughtful.

"And I'm still here, and Elody and Ally. We're not going anywhere," I tell her. "Yeah we all fucked up big time, but we'll all be better people together. You're not a bad person."

Lindsay lets out a quiet but harsh laugh. She obviously disagrees.

"Good people make bad choices," I start, leaning so our shoulders are resting against each other. "But the difference is in how you move on from those choices. You don't need to be hurtful, and you certainly don't need to pretend around me and the girls. You don't need to act tough all the time and bottle things up, it's not healthy. You can talk and be vulnerable, even if I'm the only person who ever sees that side of you."

"You also don't need to put the girls down all the time. It's not okay and they don't deserve it," I finish. Lindsay just sits in silence. She doesn't try to say anything, doesn't try to deny any of her defence mechanisms, doesn't go on the defensive. She just listens.

"I know," she says, like she isn't even sure why she does it in the first place. She probably isn't. But its just another flaw, and flaws can be worked on. Flaws don't have to remain all your life if you don't let them.

"I'll help you be better just like I will with all the other girls, nothing has to change," I tell Lindsay. "So what do you say we put this stupid fight behind us and go back to being us again?"

"Yeah, I guess," she says, finally cracking a smile. My body feels like a firework has just gone off inside of me I'm so happy. I finally, finally have my best friend back. All thought escapes me and I throw my arms around her, almost knocking her over with the momentum of it.

"Okay, okay, chill out," she protests from under my arms.

"No chance," I beam in response.

"Don't make me pry you off, I'm not afraid to hurt a cripple you know," Lindsay threatens, and I can feel her body shaking with laughter. I let go and soon we're both laughing. We laugh for so long, like the incredibly intense conversation we'd just had never even happened. We start throwing my pillows at each other and shouting, eventually collapsing together in a heap on top of my covers.

"You won't have to spend time with her, you know," I say after things have quietened down a little. "You will have to spend time with Kent though, you aren't getting out of that."

"What's he like?" asks Lindsay, "As a boyfriend."

"Better than I ever imagined," I tell her. "He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be."

"I suppose I'll have to put up with him then," she teases, and we both burst into giggles again. We spend the rest of the afternoon doing little more than that, talking and laughing like old times before any of this had even happened. And at the end of the day I feel so happy that I could float up and drift away with the clouds, because I had my best friend back, and everything was finally perfect.


	25. Chapter 25

"And open," The voice in front of me instructs, and with it I open my eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the soft light in Ally's bedroom. The young woman stood in front of me inspects my face, smiling approvingly.

"Do you want a look?" she asks, her fingers inching towards a small mirror resting on Ally's vanity. Its prom night, and naturally we're all getting ready ay Ally's house. Her parents hired professionals to do all our hair and makeup so we all look fantastic. I take a quick glance around the room. Ally is sat on her bed, a woman in the same attire as the person stood in front of me dusting her face with shimmering bronzer. I can hear Elody and Lindsay giggling somewhere behind me so I assume they're in Ally's bathroom.

"Yeah," I tell the woman, and she lifts the mirror up so I can study my face, instantly bursting into a grin when I catch sight of myself. I look stunning. My hair falls in gentle ringlets over my bare shoulders, flowing down with an elegance it hasn't seen in a while. My skin looks flawless and the smoky eye shadow really makes the green of my eyes burst. I can't wait for Kent to see me like this, my heart already thumping with excitement for the moment we lock eyes on each other.

"I love it," I beam at the woman, still staring at my reflection in almost disbelief. I haven't felt this pretty since before the accident.

"Great," she says, putting the mirror back down. "That's you done. Who's next?"

"Me," squeals Elody from the bathroom, suddenly emerging with Lindsay in tow. Both girls look amazing. Elody's hair is up in a messy but organised bun, wisps of hair falling down and framing her face. She's wearing a strapless pale blue dress that falls down to her knees and puffs outwards, a wide band of silver beads lining her waist. Lindsay follows in, her hair in a waterfall braid. Her dress oozes class. It's mostly black with sliver beads decorating the dress from the waist up, ending in a beaded halter neck. There's a slit in the skirt that ends mid thigh, allowing one of Lindsay's legs to poke through when she walks.

Elody helps me to my feet, grabbing my arm and hoisting me up as I balance on my cast without my crutch. I'm hoping to walk without them tonight. I have a back up, one of those pull out canes that I've stashed in my purse but I'm hoping that I won't need it.

"Oh my god, Sam you look amazing," Elody beams once I'm completely upright, her eyes moving down the length of my strapless purple dress and then back up to my face.

"Thanks, you do too," I reply, smiling so hard it's a wonder I don't squeal with excitement. I never thought I'd get the chance to experience, let alone with all of us back together. I'm just so happy this moment is occurring right now for me to experience.

"I'll look better when I get some makeup on me," she responds, falling into the vanity chair with a giggle. The woman who did my makeup starts prepping Elody and I walk to the other side of the room with Lindsay who is waiting for Ally to be done.

"What's got into you?" Lindsay asks, turning to look at me as we sit on the chaise. "You've been smiling like you're on speed all evening."

"I guess I'm just happy I get to see this," I tell her, my voice high and dreamy. "That we're all a group again and that we get to go to prom together."

"Jeez tone it down, I don't want to barf on my dress," Lindsay says, laughing.

"No, I'm happy and I don't care who sees," I reply in my defence, smiling so wide that I must look creepy. Lindsay shakes her head at me.

"Okay weirdo," she says, raising her eyebrows at me.

"You love it," I tease, leaning closer to her. We both laugh. The woman working on Ally then finishes and calls Lindsay over.

I watch her as she walks away, and then turn my attention to Elody on the other side of the room, her eyes closed and head tilted back as the woman applies foundation. I think about this room, and all the fun times and the wild times we've had in here. I wonder what will become of us all after high school is over and we've graduated. Will we all remain friends or will we slowly drift apart like so many others do. That feeling makes me cling to this moment and relish my time with them, because you never know how much more time you'll get.

"Hey, you look great," Ally says as she drops down beside me in the spot where Lindsay was sitting.

"Thanks," I reply, turning to study her. Her hair is braided across her hairline and leads to a low bun that sits against the back of her neck. Her cheekbones shimmer when the light catches them and she's wearing bright silver eye shadow that really highlights the darkness of her eyes. Her dress flows to the floor and is coral pink, a shade that works nicely with her warm skin tone, with silver beads in a lace pattern covering the top of the dress and forming the thin straps. "You too."

"Do you want to go and do perfume?" she asks, looking down at her perfectly manicured nails.

"Yeah sure," I answer. She stands up first, helping me to my feet and then linking her arm with mine as we walk to her en suite bathroom. There's a lingering smell of cigarette smoke in the room, which must mean that Lindsay and Elody were smoking in here while we were having our makeup done. We reach the table in her bathroom where all her perfumes and lotions sit and pick up bottles. Ally sprays herself, squirting the perfume on her wrists and along her collarbone before offering her bottle to me. As I spray myself we talk a little. She asks me how Kent is doing. They met properly for the first time last week after school and she said that he seemed nice. I'm really excited for the girls to spend more time with him tonight, Lindsay hasn't even properly met him yet so I'm a little nervous about that, but those butterflies have been pushed down by the constant bursts of happiness and excitement inside me.

"Hey Ally, can you go back out there and grab my phone," I ask as Ally looks herself over in the bathroom mirror. "I want you to take a photo."

"Sure," She says, stepping out, her skirt trailing behind her. While Ally is gone I examine myself. My dress reaches the floor so people won't be able to see my cast under it, and the skirt feels soft and light where it brushes against my other leg. The top feels a little tight, like its squeezing my chest, but it's not pressing on my ribs so I'm not uncomfortable. The dress is a dark purple with a cluster of beads on one side that spread out across the waist of the dress in tendrils. The outer layer is made of chiffon and is soft as my fingers skim the skirt. Gentle padding on the floor tells me Ally is back on the room.

"Here," she says, extending her arm as if to hand the phone to me.

"Um, I meant for you to take a picture of me," I tell her.

"I know. You need to unlock it dumbass," she laughs, shaking her head.

"Oh yeah," I say, suddenly aware of just how lost in my head I was. I take the phone from her and type in the password, taking a moment to smile at the picture of me and Kent I have as my background before handing it back.

"Pose bitch," Ally laughs, aiming the phones camera at me. I rest my hand on my hip, bending my better leg and pouting for the camera. Me and Ally then take a couple of pictures together, with silly faces and massive pouts. Eventually we head back out to the bedroom to watch the other girls.

We sit on the chaise, talking in quiet tones about how excited we are. Ally says she's a little bummed about not having a date but that she's much happier that we're a group again and all going together. I tell her how happy I am just to be seeing prom, let alone how ecstatic I am that we're all experiencing it as a group. She asks what Kent is going to be wearing and I say it's a surprise. I've not even seen his suit, I just told him what colour I was wearing. I'm excited to see it because I know he will have added his own personal touches to it, just one of the many things that makes me love him.

"Who wants drinks," a voice behind the door calls, and then a second later Ally's mom emerges with champagne flutes on a tray.

"Don't worry Sam, I've got orange juice for you," she tells me when she sees my mouth open in protest.

"Thank you," I say, taking the odd flute out. Ally grabs one of the champagne flutes and thanks her mom. I watch Mrs Harris move across the bedroom and hand glasses to Lindsay and Elody. I can tell Elody's makeup is almost done.

"It sucks that you can't drink with us," mumbles Ally after taking a sip from her drink.

"I don't mind," I tell her. "Even if I wasn't on medication I don't think I'd drink tonight. I want to have the clearest head I can when I experience it, especially since I almost didn't."

"Well if you weren't on medication then the accident probably never happened so you wouldn't have almost not been there for prom," Ally rationalises.

"Huh, I guess so," I reply.

A little while later both Elody and Lindsay's makeup is done, and they both look phenomenal. Elody has bright silver eye shadow, like Ally, but the most noticeable feature is the bubblegum pink lipstick that draws attention to her entire face. It isn't until she gets closer that I see her cheeks shimmering too. Lindsay also looks striking. Her porcelain skin glows, highlighting her smoky eyes and bright red lips. Now that we're all ready I urge them into a group photo.

It's sometime later when the guys get here. Ally's mom calls us downstairs. We take a moment getting our shoes on, because the girls all have really strappy stilettos. My shoes only have tiny heels, and I'm only wearing one of them, but I appreciate them because it was hard to find a pair of kitten heels the same colour as my dress that weren't hideous. Once we're all ready we take one last photo together and make our way downstairs to meet the guys.

My heart feels like a hummingbird flapping its wings inside my chest, anticipation pulses through me as I think of Kent standing at the bottom of those stairs, waiting to lay eyes on me. Gripping onto the banister, taking each step lower down. I'm last down the stairs, watching the girls descend in front of me, and when I get sight of the foyer that's when I see him.

My breath catches as I look and Kent in his suit. It's fitting and sharp, the jacket and pants are the same colour as my dress, and he's wearing a navy blue waistcoat and tie, and surely enough, on top of his head sits a deep purple bowler hat. He looks so handsome. I can't keep my eyes off him as I finish coming down the stairs, watching the look of amazement on his face as his gaze falls onto me.

"Hi," I blush as I walk over to him, unable to draw my eyes away from his face.

"You look absolutely incredible," he says, nearly breathless. It's taking all my energy not to pull him over here and kiss him in front of everyone.

"You too," I breathe, feeling my heart soar as he slips the corsage on my wrist.

"Ugh, get a room," laughs Elody as she saunters over. "Hey, Kent."

"Hey Elody," greets Kent. "Looking good."

"You too," Elody replies, grinning. "Love the suit."

"Thank you, thank you," says Kent, doing a dramatic twirl and then tipping his bowler hat. Elody laughs. I look around while the two of them laugh together. Ally is standing with her parents and Lindsay is with Patrick as he attaches her corsage to her wrist, meaning that Elody doesn't have a date.

"Elody, is Steve not taking you to prom?" I ask her.

"No, I dumped him," she states, so calmly that it takes me by surprise.

"Really?" I say, happy for her but in utter disbelief.

"Yeah, someone made me realise that I deserved better," She explains, smiling at me. In that second I am so incredibly proud of her.

After a few group photos and a wide smiled send off from Ally's mom, we're in the limo. I'm sat between Lindsay and Kent right in the curve of the seat, Patrick is on Lindsay's other side at the end of the seat, Elody is on Kent's other side, and Ally is on the other end of the seat. The music is blaring and we're all talking and laughing all the way. At one point Lindsay leans over my lap and gets Kent's attention.

"You look good McFuller," She says, with a genuine smile.

"You too," he replies. "Everyone looks fantastic."

They exchange small talk for a little while and I sit and listen, watching the two most important people in my life finally get to know each other. They seem to be getting on well, and I hope they keep talking throughout the rest of the night.

We arrive at the school after a very loud limo ride, the highlight being Elody and Lindsay leaning out of the roof and shouting out into the street. We all climb out, joining the hoards of students all dressed up making their way towards the gym, Kent and Lindsay linking arms with me on the way in to help me walk. The gym looks fantastic, all bright colours and glittering light. It almost makes you forget that you're in the same room that you despised having to enter every week throughout high school.

The first thing we do is make our way over to the photo backdrop. Those of us who have them get pictures with our dates, then me and the girls get a few taken of us as a four, and then all of us take one big group photo. I'm looking forward already to seeing how they turn out, and I want copies of all of them so I can hang them on my wall and never forget that this night happened.

We make our way over to an empty table, getting approached by everyone to tell us how amazing we look. We all swap compliments and shuffle around the room until we reach the table and sit down. So far my leg is doing okay without the crutch supporting me, and moving without it actually feels a little strange, but I'm happy I can walk without it, it means that I can stop taking it everywhere with me and get another aspect of my life back.

"Hey, who has the ahem," asks Elody once we all sit down. The girls have snuck in a flask of vodka, which I can assume is what Elody is referring to.

"I have it," Lindsay quietly announces, shifting in her seat for a second before slipping the flask to Elody under the table.

"Eww, was this in your underwear?" Elody asks. Lindsay winks at her.

"That's disgusting," squeals Elody.

"We had to get it in somehow," Lindsay replies, a satisfied smile on her face.

"It's warm," Elody responds, wrinkling her nose.

"Yeah it is," Laughs Lindsay, we soon all follow.

"Gross, you big slut," Elody exclaims, now laughing too.

"Like you can talk," Lindsay fires back. Ally whoops and we laugh again, Elody included.

"Behave girls," I jokingly chide, noticing how Kent wasn't really laughing along with everyone else. I turn to look at him, slipping my hand in his under the table, our fingers lacing together. I smile at him, reading the signs on his face that he clearly feels a little awkward, like the odd one out. I hope he gets a chance to talk to them all later and that feeling disappears.

So after everyone but me and Kent take swigs from the warm vodka flask, we decide to get up and make rounds talking to everyone. We all make small talk, complimenting people's outfits. I can tell that the girls are tempted to say something bitchy when some of the people leave, but I shoot them a look and they don't.

We take photos with pretty much everyone we talk to, blurry ones and good ones and silly ones. When we get back to the table we look at them all and I want to commit all of them to memory, because some will get deleted and I don't want to forget a single aspect of this night.

Back at the table we all dive into our own little conversations. Patrick left to go and spend time with some of the guys, leaving the perfect opportunity for Lindsay and Kent to talk even more. I start a conversation with Elody and Ally, occasionally glancing over my shoulder to check how they're doing. They're both smiling, and seem to be hitting it off, causing happiness to burst through me like a bubble just popped. Kent eventually has long chats with all of them, and I can see from the looks on all of their faces that I finally have everything I wanted.

Later in the evening me and the girls spend a lot of it dancing, I'm obviously not as energetic and have to occasionally go and sit down to rest my leg, but it's exactly the kind of fun atmosphere that I missed when we weren't talking. Kent joins in, throwing in some impressive moves, and eventually we manage to start a dance off.

The night rolls on, Lindsay is crowned prom queen, and stands glowing on the stage as she gives her speech. She swaggers back to the table, theatrically placing the crown on her head as we all squeal in excitement for her.

"All of you, on the floor now, bitches," she demands, motioning for us to get up and join her on the dance floor. "I'm the queen, you can't argue."

We go up with her and dance some more. The night starts to fly by so fast it feels like time doesn't exist, it's just all of us and this music and this dance floor and this moment that feels like it's never going to end. The pain from my injuries barely exists. I feel nothing but laughter and elation and energy and a longing for this moment to go on forever.

Eventually the tracks become slower. Everything seems to cool down as couples merge together to slow dance under the soft light. Lindsay wanders off with Patrick, Elody and Ally start slow dancing with each other, and then I feel Kent's hands take mine.

"May I have this dance?" he grins, placing one hand on my waist to help keep me upright.

"You may," I answer, smiling so hard it feels like my face is about to split in half with how beautifully cliché this is.

Kent pulls me closer, so we're pressed against each other, moving slowly to the music. Everything falls away, just disappears into some distant background. There is only me and him and this dance floor. I'm looking into his eyes as we dance, and they're so warm and full of love that I almost forget I exist. He smiles at me, leaning forward to whisper in my ear.

"Did you know that I've dreamed about this moment since fourth grade," he tells me, his voice velvet in my ear.

"No," I bashfully reply, feeling my face get even warmer than it already was.

"I never thought it would actually come true."

"Well I never pictured this moment with you," I start, leaning in to whisper to him. "But I honestly couldn't think of anyone else I'd want to share this moment with more."

"Its crazy how this all turned out, isn't it?" He laughs, the look of pure happiness on his face making him irresistible.

"Yeah it is," I say.

Our eyes lock, and I can't think of doing anything other than kissing him. I slip one hand around his neck, gently bringing his lips to mine. As our lips touch I'm floating, soaring, drowning in the euphoric beauty of this moment. I never expected to see it, but I thank whatever miracle kept me alive because without it, I would have never experienced one of the best nights of my life.


	26. Chapter 26

The steering wheel is firm and solid in my hands. The car moving smoothly underneath me as my feet rest on the pedals, beautiful landscapes of sun drenched trees surrounding me on either side. The radio is blasting and I have the windows rolled down, feeling the warm breeze flow in and lick over my newly exposed skin.

I had my cast taken off my leg Wednesday. The skin is ghostly white where it's not covered in scars and my knee has a huge rippling mark where the bone poked through. The old me would've been devastated that their legs were permanently damaged but I don't particularly care. I mean, its sucks that I'm probably going to be walking with a limp for the rest of my life but the scarring doesn't bother me.

I can feel excitement start stirring in my stomach when I know I'm getting closer to Kent's house, and I quickly glance over at the passenger seat where my overnight bag sits. Since I'm no longer on crutches we've been officially given permission by our parents for sleepovers. Tonight will be our first one. I don't know if we'll do anything, I don't even know if we'll be sleeping in the same room, but I'm fine with that. I'm not going to rush anything, and I no longer see losing my virginity as something I need to get over and done with.

I park my mom's car at the end of the drive, practically bouncing out of it before making my way up to the house. There's a note on the front door.

 _Drop your things inside and come out back xx_

There's a little cartoon of two people snuggled in a bed at the bottom of the piece of paper. I take it off the door, grinning as I shove it in my pocket, and then make my way inside and place my bag down before heading outside.

Off the patio I can see them. Kent and Juliet are lying on their stomachs on a very large blanket placed in the middle of the lawn, the sun beating down on their backs. I limp over to them, enjoying the wind against my legs and being able to walk without crutches.

"Hey," Kent says cheerfully once he notices my arrival. Juliet then looks up and greets me too.

"Hey, guys," I reply, flopping down onto the blanket, being careful to avoid landing awkwardly on my leg or jarring my ribs. I look around, on the blanket there's a woven hamper that I assume is full of food, a six pack of coca cola cans and lots of brightly coloured strips of paper which I soon realise are colour charts. "What are you guys doing?"

"Trying to choose a colour for my room," Juliet explains, holding up a chart displaying various shades of light purple.

"Oh right," I say, adjusting myself on the blanket, looking at my legs as I stretch them out in front of me.

"My mom's bringing out some homemade lemonade soon," adds Kent before he crawls over and kisses me. "Where did you put your stuff?"

"In the lounge," I answer, taking him in. He's wearing a white t shirt with some graphic pattern on the front and a pair of beige slacks. I notice how little I've ever seen him wear t shirts, and I smile at the sight of him in one now.

"Are you as excited as he is?" asks Juliet, rolling over before sitting up and joining us, flashing me a smile. Her hair flows over her shoulders and there are blades of grass hanging in it, which makes me notice the strands of grass lingering in Kent's bangs. I also notice it's the second time I've ever seen her wearing a dress. The first time was graduation, but she had a gown on over it so I couldn't appreciate it properly. This dress looks a little like the one she wore to graduation, its cream with a floral pattern like her graduation dress, but this dress has long sleeves and a boho style skirt that flows down to her knees, where the other dress was shorter. She also wore tights with both dresses, black ones for graduation and white ones now.

"Yeah," I beam. I'm so excited about tonight. It almost feels like it's a dream and it's not actually happening. I think back to when it was Rob I was planning on sleeping over with, and it feels like it was an entire lifetime ago.

"I see you had a grass fight without me," I say, changing topic. They both giggle.

"It was my fault," Kent confessed, grinning.

"Of course it was," I reply teasingly. He laughs.

"What can I say, I am a mischievous man," he says theatrically, causing me and Juliet to both laugh. I crawl over to the pack of coke cans and open one, happy for the cool drink it the hot summer air.

"It's so hot," I exclaim, pressing the can to my sweaty forehead. I could already tell that it was going to be a warm summer.

"I know right," replies Kent, looking up at the sun hanging over us and squinting, strands of hair starting to stick to his face. "Work has been unbearable the past few days."

Kent got a summer internship job at the local paper pretty much as soon as we graduated and he absolutely loves it, but he did mention that the building's air condition is broken. He's put off college for a year to get some field experience. Kent got in to the New York School of Visual Arts and I got into BU so we won't be that far from each other, and we're both taking gap years, although mine is because of my injury. Both of us have said we'll help Juliet with her applications for Art College.

"I'm just glad I packed my shorts," I continue, looking down at my bare, scarred legs. I don't have a problem with people looking at them, they show my miracle survival, why would I?

"Oh yeah," chirps Kent. "How was the sleepover?"

"It was great," I tell him, grinning widely despite the heat making my face sticky. Since graduation house parties just didn't seem to be a thing anymore, so last night me and the girls had a sleepover at Ally's house the way we used to. With all of us friends again and not sure how much we'll see each other after Lindsay goes off to college and we all have to get jobs we decided that we'd spend as much time together as we could. Ally's dad got her an internship, and Elody isn't sure what she wants to do with herself yet, but she's trying to figure it out. I'm just looking for jobs where I won't need to do much walking or standing.

"Good," he replies. I notice Juliet is now looking off in the distance, staring into space. I remember the look on her face when I told her that I'd made up with Lindsay, she still gets that look in her eye when I talk about the girls now. Once we were all back together I talked to the girls about how they felt about me being friends with Juliet. Lindsay said that she didn't care as long as she didn't have to spend any time with her, and Ally too. She still doesn't know the whole truth. Elody however said she wanted to give Juliet a chance, so I'm working on arranging a way for all three of us to hang out that doesn't feel pressuring.

"And how was you guys' shopping trip?" I ask both of them, Juliet suddenly snapping to attention. They both look at each other and laugh.

"Interesting," Kent answers, still grinning at Juliet. I'm confused as to what's so funny, they only went to look at paint. I raise my eyebrows at Kent, staring curiously.

"Some of the names of the paint shades," He explains, pulling a blade of grass out of his hair. Juliet starts looking through the pile of colour charts that surround us, picking a few up.

"This one here," she starts, pointing to a pale green colour. "Is called wellbeing. How is wellbeing a colour?"

"Don't forget optimism," Kent chimes in, pointing at a brighter shade of green on a different chart. Juliet laughs, a soft melodic laugh that I never thought I'd ever hear spilling from her lips. I know that she's got a long way to go, but watching how she's gone from believing there was no hope for her to how she is now amazes me.

"I'm kinda sad I missed this trip now," I say, watching them recover from their giggling.

"You can still help us choose a colour," she suggests, looking down at the charts spread everywhere. "We've narrowed it down to mint green, lilac, sunrise yellow and fresh peach."

"Let's see the charts then," I request, taking a long sip from my can. Juliet crawls over to a part of the blanket where four colour charts sit neatly beside each other. She collects them and splays them out in front of me, pointing to each of the colours on their charts.

"I'm leaning towards the green," Kent says, pulling at the front of his shirt to let air inside it.

"And I like the peach better," Juliet adds. I look at both colours, imagining how her bedroom walls would look bathed in each colour. The green is brighter but the peach feels warmer, and matches Juliet's style better.

"I like the peach too," I tell her. She smiles.

"Yes," she whispers victoriously, looking over at Kent and grinning.

"Really babe, you couldn't have backed me up," he jokes. I laugh, inching over to him.

"Aw I'm sorry," I murmur teasingly. "I had to be honest though. I'll back you up next time." I kiss him on the cheek before sitting back where I was.

"So we have a winner," Juliet announces.

"When are you guys starting to decorate?" I ask her.

"Pretty much as soon as we've bought the paint." She answers, picking the chart with the peach colour up and examining it more closely. "We'll only really need to buy new curtains, carpet and a new comforter, everything else will still match."

"Are you excited about it?" I ask.

"Yeah," she replies, still looking at the chart. "I also bought some bulbs to plant in the front yard while we were out." I remember that comment her sister made about how she used to love gardening. I smile knowing that another part of her that she thought had permanently disappeared was coming back. Juliet fans herself with the colour charts.

"You too hot too?" I ask. She startled slightly and stops fanning herself.

"Yeah," she sighs, pushing her long hair out of her face. "I spent all of last summer inside, I'm not used to this."

"Take your tights off," I suggest, noticing how she tenses at my words.

"I'm okay," she replies, but her voice sounds a little shaky.

"You sure? You'll be so much cooler," I say, realising at the last second that she's probably self conscious about her body. I don't know why I never thought of it before, I just thought that her self hatred was aimed at her personality, it never occurred to me that it could be because of her body too. She did tell us that she's not anorexic, and that she's so thin because her appetite dropped when she started developing depression, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't hate her body.

"Maybe you're right," she says, trying to hide the deep breath she takes after saying it.

"Don't worry about how you look," I tell her, hoping it will help. "Your legs are fine I'm sure. I mean, they can't be any worse than mine." I wiggle mine out in front of me, looking at the bumpy and jagged skin.

She nods, standing up. She looks down at the length of her skirt before telling me and Kent to turn around as she takes them off. It isn't until later that I find out the real reason she was so self conscious, when her skirt slips up over her knees and I catch sight of the pale lines that decorate the inside of her thighs. I don't know why I didn't think of that either. Maybe I thought I'd seen every awful bit of how our torture effected her when she tried to jump in the road that night. I realise then that there are probably parts of her silent suffering that I'm never going to know about.

"Who wants lemonade?" a voice calls from behind us, and we all turn around to see Kent's mom approaching with a jug of bright yellow liquid and three glasses on a tray. She sets the tray down next to the picnic hamper and we all pour ourselves a glass. We sit there eating and drinking and talking decoration as the sun blazes down over us, and I couldn't think of any better way to spend the afternoon.

I think about my sleepover at Kent's tonight, and how I'm so excited I might as well be made of fireworks. This is the first big step of many that our relationship will face, and I'm excited for all of them. I'm excited for everything in the future, when we all go to college and grow up and get jobs and I hope I'll still be in touch with all of them. I want to watch the girls become better people and watch Juliet recover and my relationship with Kent blossom into something beautiful. I know life's not perfect, Lindsay still doesn't talk about her issues but at least she's not hurting people, and Juliet may have made leaps of progress in the last few months but she still broke down the night before graduation, with Kent on the phone to her for two hours just to make sure she was safe. And there's every chance that will happen again and again as she gets herself back. I feel confident though. Despite everything, I managed to survive, and make a difference to everyone around me, and I am personally so excited for where this next chapter of life will take us all.

 **Thank you for reading! I was really curious what would happen if Sam had survived which is why I wrote this fic, I really wanted to know how her behaviour and relationships would change. Hope you enjoyed reading it :)**


	27. Author's note

**Author's note**

 **So while the story arc of my alternate ending to Before I Fall finished, I found myself unable to get my head out of this world I'd created or stop writing these characters. So now I have written a series of bonus chapters that have no particular story arc, they just occur sometime after ch26. I'll be posting them as and when I finish them.**

 **I hope you like them.**


	28. bonus chapter 1

"That'll be them," I say, lifting myself up from where I was laying with my head in Kent's lap, stretching to ease out the ache in my back before following Jackie, Kent's mom's voice down the hall. I asked Juliet if she would do me a favour and give Elody a ride over. It made sense, considering they live three blocks away from each other and I didn't have mom's car with me. I can only hope their ride over wasn't awkward.

I listen to Kent's footsteps behind me as we make our way to the main hall where they must be waiting. I see Jackie first, leaning against the wall with a gentle smile on her face, and then my eyes find Elody and Juliet.

"Sam," I hear Elody's voice call. I look up. Elody and Juliet are stood only a couple of inches apart, so their ride over must have gone okay. Elody's hair is up in a ponytail and flowing over her shoulder. She's wearing a bright purple shirt with a paisley pattern long enough that I can't see any of the shorts she must be wearing underneath. A big tan purse is dangling from one of her hands. "Can you please tell this gorgeous girl here how lucky she is to have legs long enough that she can pull off maxi skirts."

This makes me turn my attention to Juliet, who is now staring bashfully at the floor. Elody is right. Juliet has on a loose white t shirt over a beige maxi skirt and it looks good on her. Whenever I try to wear a maxi skirt there always ends up being some pooling by my feet, and Elody is even shorter than me.

"You do look really pretty," I tell her, and she looks up and smiles at me.

"Thanks," she says quietly, one hand fiddling with the strap of the khaki messenger bag slung over her shoulder.

"Don't you think she'd look amazing with a flower crown in her hair," Elody continues, her voice light and bouncy.

"You are not putting anything in my hair," Juliet replies quickly, sounding frostier than she probably intended to.

"Here, let me take your bag," says Kent, quickly changing the subject before anyone else can pick up on the tension and things get awkward. He takes the bag from Juliet, slinging it over his shoulder.

"You want me to take it up to your room?" he asks. I suddenly remember that since we're going to be back late, Juliet is spending tonight in one of the guest rooms.

"Yeah, thanks," she answers, her voice softer than before. Kent moves over to her, hand outstretched, and she digs around the bag for a minute, pulling out a small and battered off-white purse before handing it over. Once Kent leaves the room Juliet shuffles over towards Jackie and Elody moves over to me.

"So how was the ride up?" I ask her quietly, swiftly glancing over my shoulder.

"Better than I thought it would be," Elody answers, folding her arms over her chest as she inches closer to me.

"Did you guys talk much?"

"Not really, no," replies Elody, letting out a quick sigh. "At least it wasn't as awkward as it could have been."

"Good," I reply, which gets Elody to smile. I know this entire situation makes Elody feel really weird, so I try to encourage her as much as I can so she can become the person she wants to be. It hasn't been the easiest thing for her, acknowledging her mistakes and trying to make up for them, but she's getting there. When I asked the girls how they felt about Juliet and I being friends, Elody was the only one who said she wanted to get to know her too. She said that after everything that had happened she felt as if she owed it to Juliet to get to know who she really is, not who we made her out to be. Juliet was less eager than Elody but they've spent time together once before this, and me and Kent were there too so it didn't feel awkward. Elody just can't seem to stop feeling guilty about everything.

We talk a little more about other things while Juliet chats to Jackie in the corner, and soon enough Kent walks back into the room.

"Well that's that done, you guys want to start getting ready to go?" he asks once everyone else is aware of his presence. We look around the room at each other, exchanging glances of agreement.

"Sure," I answer once it was clear that we were all ready to take off. Kent rubs his hands together and then starts digging around in the front pocket of his pants. I tell everyone to wait a minute while I go and grab my purse from the other room as I limp out into the hall. By the time I get back everyone is standing by the front door waiting to go. Once I join them Kent opens the door.

"Drive safe," Jackie calls as Kent lets Elody and Juliet out first.

"Will do mom," he replies. I let go of his hand and head out the door onto the porch.

"See you later," Jackie calls from inside.

"Bye mom," Kent replies before closing the door behind us. I look up at the sky as it looms over us. Its early evening so the sun hasn't started to set yet, but the clouds blur blue and purple. The sky is dark but the air has a thick, sticky warmth to it, which feels to me like we're due a summer thunderstorm. The four of us trail down the walk towards Kent's car, mine and his fingers gently linked. Kent and I get in the front, Juliet sitting behind me in the back and Elody behind Kent. The radio bursts to live as Kent sticks the keys in the ignition.

"So how long did it take you guys to get there?" he asks, glancing over at me.

"About an hour," Elody answers from the back.

"But you have to remember that Lindsay speeds," I add, Kent forming a small grimace. I'd been meaning to talk to Lindsay about her dangerous driving but hadn't got round to it yet. It was the one thing I didn't have a rational answer for wanting her to stop, I couldn't just go up to her and be all like 'hey, please stop speeding, because when I was reliving a day over and over again you crashed the car and killed me a couple times'. I'd been on edge the entire ride down to the summer fair, re living memories of us hurtling off the road. We got there safely, and I drove the car back because everyone else was drinking while we were there, so we managed to avoid disaster.

This journey is a lot smoother. Kent turns on the radio and immediately me and Elody start singing along, like we always do when we're on our way to somewhere in the tank. When we went to the fair last week my jaw was aching by the time we'd got there. Kent joins in too, and soon the car is filled with the sound of all three of us belting out cheesy old pop songs. I turn around in my seat and look at Juliet, who is sat quietly staring out of the window.

"Aren't you singing with us?" asks Elody when she notices where I'm looking, shimmying her shoulders along to the music.

"No," Juliet answers quietly, her gaze flickering from Elody to me and back again. "I'll just watch thanks."

"Suit yourself," Elody sing songs, before the two of us dive back into singing Stop by The Spice Girls, remembering how much I loved this song when I was about Izzy's age. We sing nonstop through the next three songs, and by the time the radio station breaks for commercials I'm struggling to get my breath back.

We drive through a rain shower, and everything seems to slow down. The songs on the radio get slower and the car seems to drift along the road rather than the way it felt like it was flying over the ground earlier. We stop singing, and now the only sound filling the car aside from the radio is the patter of the rain hitting us. I watch each drop of rain as it falls, hitting the windscreen and then sliding all the way down

"Why are you taking a picture of the window?" I hear Elody say behind me. I turn my head. "If you don't mind me asking." Elody is looking over at Juliet, whose purse sits open on her lap, her cell phone in her hand.

"To draw it later," she explains, her voice quiet, matching the soft atmosphere of the car. "I don't have a notebook on me now and I won't remember how it looks later."

"Oh ok. Cool," Elody responds, shooting Juliet a smile before turning back to look out of her own window. I turn back round too, but not before I catch a small smile starting to form on Juliet's lips.

A considerable amount of time passes before anyone speaks again, the calm atmosphere from driving through the rain stuck on us, leaving us to appreciate the quiet. After everything that has happened, I still prefer noise, but I have a new appreciation for moments of quiet. They give me time to think, time to reflect, time to really be in the moment and concentrate because nothing else has my attention.

"Hey, you guys mind if I smoke?" Elody asks from the back, breaking the silence.

"No, go ahead," replies Kent, moving the wheel as we turn a corner. "Just crack the window."

"Okay," she responds. I then hear Elody digging through her purse over the low sound of the radio. Once she lights it, the thick aroma of smoke fills my nostrils. I'm used to the smell but I see Kent's fingers twitch like he's thinking about cracking open his window too to let more air in.

The smell slowly fans through the car, curling around the seats and clinging to our clothes. The air coming in from outside makes the car a little chillier, but the weather outside is muggy so it doesn't feel cold. I watch Kent, checking his face for tell tale signs to see if he's uncomfortable with the fumes spreading through his car, but a voice from the back distracts me.

"Is everything okay?" asks Elody softly. I immediately turn around to look in the back, where Elody is directing a worried look towards Juliet, who has her face practically pressed up against the window with her hand covering her nose.

"Yeah I just hate the smell that's all," she answers, but there's something off about her voice, almost like she's lying, but it's obvious that she isn't. Whatever it was makes my stomach twist uncomfortably.

"I can open the window a little more," Elody offers, her voice soft.

"Thanks," responds Juliet quietly, lifting her hand away from her face as Elody opens the window a little more. I face forwards again but not for long as a desperate spluttering sound rings out behind me.

"You okay there Elody?" I ask when I see Elody hunched over in her seat coughing. The end of her cigarette hovers near the back of Kent's seat, burning to ash so close to it that it's making me nervous.

"Yeah I'm fine, just casually choking, that's all." Jokes Elody once she clears her throat, wisps of smoke spilling from her mouth as she talks. She taps the end of the cigarette against the window, watching the built up ash drop off and diffuse into the air. Considering it safe I turn back around, hearing Elody continue to cough and clear her throat.

"Whoa, Juliet are you alright, you just seriously flinched," Elody then says, causing my head to whip right back around again. Juliet is pressed firmly against the seat, like she's hoping it will swallow her whole, and she's clenching her skirt so hard the ligaments in her hand are bulging against the skin. My eyes move up to her face, her lips are a tight line but her eyes give away how uncomfortable she is.

"I'm fine," she says hastily, so quietly I almost miss it.

"Are you sure?" I ask tentatively. She knows she can be honest with me, but with Elody here I doubt she will.

"Yes, I said I was fine didn't I," she snaps at me, the crestfallen look on her face telling me that she immediately regretted it.

"Okay," I assure her, letting her know that I won't ask again. I've learned not to try and force answers out of Juliet, if she wants to tell you something then she will, and if she doesn't, then she doesn't appreciate being pushed about it. I start to wonder what it could be, the thing that made her flinch so hard when Elody coughed, and then I remember the rumour. In junior year Ally spread a rumour that she lost her virginity for a packet of cigarettes and for weeks after everyone make hacking coughs whenever she walked past. Maybe it's just the memory of that, maybe there's more that she hasn't said. Either way, I know I'm not going to ask.

"I'll put this out," Elody says quietly, flicking the cigarette out of the window, blowing out the last of the smoke before rolling up the window. The rest of the journey is pretty quiet after that, conversation is scarce. I look back occasionally and see Elody watching Juliet, who stares out of the window and doesn't move or speak for the rest of the journey.

When we finally arrive in West Haven and park the car, I drag Elody off with me to find a bathroom. One, because I really have to pee and two, so Juliet has time to talk to Kent about what was bothering her in the car. We all noticed that she wasn't the same afterwards, and if she'll tell anyone then it will be him. My plan appears to have worked because when we get back they're standing next to each other, Kent rubbing her shoulder comfortingly. We exchange a glance and he nods gently, letting me know that he's spoken to her, and then we're on our way.

The fair is busier than it was when we came with Lindsay and Ally. There are people everywhere, flooding in from every entrance and moving in every direction. I feel Kent take my hand as we try to navigate our way around. We decide to hit the rides first. We all go on the Ferris wheel together, and we do that first because that's the only ride I can go on. Elody takes a lot of pictures of all of us with the sun setting over the town in the background.

After we get off the Ferris wheel we wander further, coming towards the bigger rides. Elody begs someone to go on with her, pointing to the nearest big ride.

"Um no thanks," Juliet answers immediately, wrinkling her nose just looking at it.

"Don't look at me, I can't do it," I tell her.

"I'll go with you," Kent volunteers, letting go of my hand.

"Thank you Kent," says Elody delightedly, dragging him off towards the queue, leaving me and Juliet alone.

"So, how are you doing?" I turn and ask her as soon as Kent and Elody vanish from my line of sight, swallowed by the queue for the ride. She blinks, turning her head towards me as if she was lost deep in thought and had only just registered that I was talking to her.

"I'm doing alright," she answers, smiling a little. I look up at her, watching the way the bright, multicoloured lights from the rides illuminate her pale face. Her eyes are wide as she takes in the scene surrounding her, like if she's not paying everything her full attention then she will never remember it. Warmth stirs in my chest as I watch her silent wonder over this moment, one she never thought she would have.

"You having fun yet?" I ask, pulling her away from her thoughts once more.

"We've been here like five minutes," she replies, but I know she's downplaying.

"And were they a fun five minutes?" I continue with a playful smile.

"I guess," she responds, flashing me a grin in return before going back to losing herself in her surroundings. I decide to do the same. I watch the moon starting to rise in the sky, the throng of people bustling around me on every side, the bright lights and the spinning rides, I take a second to fully immerse myself in all of it.

"Also thank you for picking up Elody earlier," I say after a few moments of listening to the orchestra of sounds around us. "I really appreciate it."

"It made sense," Juliet answers coolly, shrugging her shoulders.

"Are you looking forward to the group sleepover later?" I ask her, remembering how she hasn't been to a sleepover since she was ten years old.

"I guess so," she replies, tilting her head down, causing her hair to swing into her eyes. She slowly tucks it back behind her ear, still glancing down at me. "It's been so long since I've had one so I don't really know what to expect."

"It won't be like most sleepovers," I tell her. it's not like we're all going to be gossiping and watching sappy movies and hitting each other with pillows until three in the morning, but I think it will be relaxing, like the days when the three of us hang out together only no one goes home at the end of the day. "But that might be a good thing for you."

"We'll see," she replies grinning, and I think in that moment how I'll never get tired of seeing her smile.

We head away from the fair, trailing towards the end of the grass verge and the start of the beach. The air feels heavier now, and the clouds have turned a dark purplish grey, covering the moon with their thickness. I take the first bite of my burger as we meander down the verge, the roaring sounds of the fair getting slowly quieter behind us, relishing the hot bursts of flavour that envelop my tongue. Kent's arm brushes against mine as we walk side by side eating our food. We exchange a quick soft glance before turning our focus back to where we're walking. I look over at Elody, watching her try not to spill the ketchup leaking out of her hotdog. She catches me looking at her and licks the side of the hotdog suggestively, winking at me as she does.

"Eww don't be disgusting," I exclaim through a mouthful of half chewed burger.

"Oh what, like you weren't thinking it," she fires back, laughing and wiping ketchup from her chin.

"No I wasn't," I reply, "We aren't all as depraved as you."

"But you wish you were," she sing songs teasingly, laughing as she goes to take another bite of her hotdog.

"No, I really don't."

I notice Kent is no longer stood beside me, and turn to my left to find him taking one of Juliet's fries, melted cheese dangling off it and wrapping around his fingers. We finally decide to stop and eat our food sitting on the grass, looking out at the empty, peaceful beach in front of us. A breeze starts to pick up while we're eating, the air moving to a slightly chillier temperature. After we finish eating, Kent takes our trash and looks for a bin to dump it in. Elody and Juliet help me to my feet as we wait for Kent.

Once Kent arrives back, a rippling sound filters through the air, and then the sky opens up and rain starts to fall on us, drizzling at first but moving closer to a downpour in a matter of seconds.

"Are you kidding me?" squeals Elody as the water hits her skin, running in trails down her arms and sticking her clothes to her. I focus on the way the rain feels against my own skin, cool but not cold, seeping into my hair and dripping off my nose and chin, soaking through my faded grey shirt so my bra becomes visible. I look at the others, Kent's went bangs clinging to his forehead, Juliet's white shirt plastered to her thin shoulders, and I think about how we're looking at this moment all wrong. We shouldn't be irritated, we should be making the most of it, living in the moment and making fun out of what we can because time is too precious to waste.

"Come on guys, this could be fun," I suggest, taking in all their confused expressions. "Let's go down to the beach." And with that I start walking.

It takes them a few seconds to catch on, but I can hear them behind me. The minute my feet hit the wet, squelching sand I gasp in delight, looking up to the sky as it soaks me, and laugh. If my leg were any better I'd start spinning around, but instead I just stand with my arms outstretched, welcoming the rain as it falls down around me. I hear Elody join me on the sand, and I look in front and see Kent and Juliet hanging on the edge of the beach where the sand meets the grass, talking closely. I beckon them down with my fingers, and Kent then offers his arm to Juliet and they walk down together.

I raise my arms and shout victoriously when they reach us, throwing my head back so the rain lands directly on my face, cool droplets hitting my tongue. I can hear Kent laughing at me, and I look at him and find him grinning so wide, shaking his head but looking at me with so much love and happiness in his eyes like he's stumbled upon piles of gold and can't believe his luck. Little does he know that I'm the lucky one, because without him I wouldn't even be here to see this moment. I walk over to him, throwing my arms around him and pulling him against me, our wet clothes squishing together between us.

"Glad you could make it down here," I say playfully, locking my hands together against the back of his neck. "Almost thought you weren't coming."

"Of course we were coming," he replies, grinning down at me. There's a strand of wet hair stuck to one of his eyebrows and I'm tempted to move it. "Wouldn't miss you running around on the beach in the pouring rain for the world."

"Ugh I wish I could run," I grumble. Kent's hands move from my waist down to my hips, I can no longer feel their warmth through the denim of my shorts. "I wish I could run and jump and skip and twirl and cartwheel across this beach."

"Well I don't know about cartwheels," Kent begins, a playful look in his eye. "But I can help you with one of those."

He lifts me into the air, wrapping his arms tightly around the top of my thighs before spinning around on the sand with me in his arms. I squeal, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck, clinging on tight as we whirl around in circles. My wet hair flies with the wind and sticks to my face, and I throw my head back, just a little, and laugh. I'm dizzy once he sets me down, stumbling over to Elody who grabs my arm, throwing hers over my shoulder once I'm steady.

"Your turn now," Kent says, turning to Juliet before lifting her up the same way he did with me.

"Kent!" she squeals as he spins her around, her soaking wet hair spinning out as they move. I'm suddenly reminded of February twelfth, the first time I chased Juliet outside after the party and found her sat at the side of the road, soaking wet and her shirt completely see through. She was wearing a white shirt then too. Kent sets her down, the two of them clinging to each other and giggling. I notice that I can't see Juliet's spine through her t shirt this time, and it makes me happy. I remember how hauntingly frail she looked by the road, so thin that I could see her bones though her shirt. I'm glad that I'm looking at a completely different Juliet right now.

"What the hell?" exclaims Juliet in between giggles.

"Well you were hardly going to have fun and spin around in a skirt like that were you," Kent explains.

"I guess," Juliet responds, looking down at the skirt now pretty much plastered to her legs. "This things so stuck to me I think I would've just fallen on my ass."

"Who cares if you fall on your ass?" asks Elody before beginning to spin frantically in circles. "it's fun." She says, before promptly falling onto the sand.

"See," she says, waving at us with a sand coated hand. I notice Kent and Juliet exchange a look, but then they both move closer as I help Elody to her feet, being careful not to put too much weight on my right leg.

We don't hang around for much longer after that, there's a bit more spinning and Elody and Kent both manage to end up falling in the sand with me and Juliet looking down at them and laughing. Then we all pile back into the car and head home. It's a quiet journey, and Kent puts the heaters on so we're not all shivering but none of us are dry by the time we get back to his house.

"I am so going upstairs to get changed," exclaims Juliet as soon as we walk in the door.

"Yeah me too, my clothes are sticking to me," adds Kent.

"How about we all go get changed and then meet back down here?" I suggest, my hair now feeling cold where damp strands sit against my face.

"Sounds good," Kent agrees.

"Hey Kent, can I borrow some clothes or something and crash here?" Elody asks, using her soft tentative voice. I can tell that she feels a little weird asking, especially as she hadn't been planning on staying over, but Kent has enough room so it's no trouble.

"Yeah sure, I'll go grab you something," Kent tells her, moving closer to me.

"Thanks," Elody beams, strands of dark hair plastered to her forehead. "I'll just call my mom and let her know I'm staying."

Kent disappears down the hall, and I can just about hear the muffled sound of his footsteps on the stairs. Me and Elody don't talk once silence fills the room, we just look at each other and start giggling. Elody pulls out her phone and makes her way into another room, leaving me completely alone. I realise that it's the first time I've been completely alone all day. I'd slept here last night so I'd spent all day with Kent, and from then onwards, more people just kept joining us. It occurs to me just how much I love being surrounded by people, these people, who I will love and appreciate every day without ever taking them for granted again. I let out a contended sigh, warm despite my still damp clothes and wet hair.

Elody is back in the room first, her phone hanging limply in her hand. Kent follows in soon after, now in his pj's, a folded t shirt and pair of shorts in his hands.

"There you go," Kent says as he hands the pile of clothes to Elody, stray strands of wet hair still clinging to his forehead in awkward curls. It's adorable.

"Thank you so much Kent, you're a babe," exclaims Elody as she takes the clothes, holding them down by her side to avoid getting any of the sand from her wet clothes onto them. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Down the hall, second door on your right," Kent directs her.

"Thanks," she grins before strolling off towards the bathroom.

"Leave your clothes on the floor and I'll put them in the dryer overnight," Kent calls after her. "Just get as much of the sand off as possible first."

"Sure," Elody's voice echoes from the hall. It was now just me and Kent alone again.

"I had a lot of fun tonight," I say softly, turning towards him. I would've walked right up to him and pressed my body against his if my clothes weren't still wet and his were dry and comfortable. Instead I just walk over and take both of his hands in mine.

"Good. Me too," He smiles, his eyes looking at me with such warmth that my heart started to subtly burst with love for him.

"It's great seeing all of you spend time together like that," I explain, feeling like my insides were glowing with happiness as I pull Kent a little closer, lacing our fingers together. "And I know that I'll never be able to have all of my friends in one place, but I'm glad that tonight I had you guys."

"And we're all glad for you too," Kent replies, his voice like honey. I only then notice that we'd started swaying on the spot. "We wouldn't have even had tonight if it weren't for you."

"Thanks," I whisper, love and gratefulness coarsing through every cell in my body. I pull him closer, moving in for a kiss, before the sound of footsteps padding into the room made us pause.

"Not interrupting am I?" says Juliet from the other side of the room. She stood in her pyjamas, her damp hair now up in a ponytail.

"No, not at all," Kent answers her, and she starts making her way into the room, throwing herself onto the couch.

"Hey Juliet," I start, letting go of one of Kent's hands and turning to face her. "Did you have fun tonight?"

"Yeah I did," she says quietly, looking up at me and smiling. I'm physically incapable of not smiling back. Every time I saw a smile on her face, it was a reminder of all the good I'd done.

"Great," I say, even though it was only a fraction of what I really felt. The beauty of the moment was cut short however, as Elody wanders back into the room.

"Shit," she exclaims loudly, Kent's t shirt baggy on her small frame. "I left my glasses at home, and my contact case."

"That sucks," I reply.

"Tell me about it," she continues, stopping just in front of me and Kent. "You're all going to have to be blurry as shit."

"Don't you keep a spare set in your purse?" I think aloud, as I'm pretty sure she does. Her purse is sat in one of the armchairs, she flung it there when we walked in the door.

"Oh wait," Elody responds, her eyes widening hopefully as she thought about it. "Actually I might have, let me check." She dashes excitedly over to her purse, wiggling her butt as she digs around in it, which makes me laugh.

"Phew," she says loudly once she finds the contacts.

"I told you," I say teasingly, drawing the words out.

"Yeah well I'm forgetful," she says in her own defence as she puts one of the contacts into her eye.

"I thought that was just you drunk," I say, watching her as she puts in the other contact lens. "But apparently you're just as forgetful sober, unless you've got a bottle of vodka in there we don't know about."

"Ha ha," she says sarcastically, blinking a few times before making her way over to the rest of us. "Nope, perfectly sober."

"See Elody, you can have fun without drinking," I tease, and Elody's face suddenly falls flat. She and Juliet exchange a look, which has me seriously confused, but I shake the thought out of my head.

"So what are we doing now then?" Elody asks, smiling widely to try and hide the obvious discomfort of the previous moment.

"We could just sit and talk by the fire," Kent answers, pointing towards the fireplace, the warm glow of the flame alluring and comfortable. "I mean, that's what we were going to do."

"Okay," she says, nodding her head. "gives me a chance to get to know you guys better."

"Oh I'm not joining in," Juliet chimes in from the couch before standing up, pulling down the bottom of the button up pjama shirt she's wearing. "I'm going to sit and do my drawing."

"Oh," Elody responds, clearly thinking this was about her, which judging by the sudden sharp twist of her features, Juliet picks up on too. She walks over to us, standing between us and Elody.

"You don't really think this is about you do you?" she asks, a harsh quality to her voice that made me wonder what she was going to say next. I could see Elody wanting to look away, but Juliet held her in place with her eyes. "Stop with the self pity act, it's really quite pathetic," she continues, her voice firm and unflinching. "And besides what would I have to talk about?"

And with that rhetorical question Juliet walks past Elody, out of the room and up the stairs. Elody throws herself on the couch in the spot Juliet had previously been sat in, grabbing a cushion and holding it to her chest as she groaned.

"Is she always like that?" Elody asks, hugging the scatter cushion against her.

"No," I answer quietly.

"Ugh I ruin everything," Elody exclaims, rocking backwards until her head rests on the back of the cough.

"No you don't," I reassure her, moving away from Kent and sitting down next to Elody on the couch. "You've just got to let her be bitchy to you, you know, so she can get it out of her system."

"I guess," Elody sighs, and I pull her in for a hug.

We spend the rest of the night gossiping and swapping secrets by the fire before the three of us eventually head up to bed, and when me and Kent settle in together, I'm flowing with contentment because I spent this fantastic day with my friends. As I close my eyes, I wish that today will be the first of many great adventures with as many of my friends as I can have.


	29. bonus chapter 2

The pencil felt firm in her hand as Juliet gently pushed it harder against the paper, shading the outlines of the raindrop coated window she'd been working on since they arrived back from the summer fair. She could feel an ache begin to form at the top of her back, so she gently put her pencil down on the open page before adjusting the pillows of the McFuller's guest room bed to accommodate her better. She was thankful that Kent let her stay overnight, it was the first time she'd stayed at a friend's house in almost nine years. That fact made this evening feel surreal despite it feeling so natural, so relaxed, like it was something they all did on a regular basis. Juliet picked the pencil back up after settling against the adjusted pillows, ready to continue her sketching, when someone knocked on her door.

"Can I come in?" said a quiet voice from the other side. Juliet blinked, trying to work out who the voice belonged to. It was definitely a female voice, and she was almost certain that it wasn't Sam. It probably wasn't Jackie either.

"Elody?" she called out to the voice.

"Yeah," the voice replied. Juliet shook her head, wondering why the hell she was knocking on her door at ten pm. While having Elody around this evening hadn't been absolutely horrible, it had led the evening to be more uncomfortable than necessary, at least it had for Juliet. Struggling to think of a reason for this, Juliet decided to just let her in and find out what she wanted.

"Come in," said Juliet, the door beginning to creep open. She watched as Elody tentatively entered the room. She was slow, like she was stepping into the room of someone who was already asleep and trying not to wake them. She quickly closed the door behind her, standing against it in a t shirt two sizes too big for her and a pair of men's gym shorts. She hadn't originally planned on staying the night so Kent had obviously leant her some of his clothes to sleep in.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" asked Elody delicately, like she felt she was already overstepping it just by being in here. Sam had made things abundantly clear that _if_ Juliet was willing to spend time with Elody that it would be completely on her terms, and that all of Elody's good intentions didn't matter if Juliet were to decide that they didn't. Elody regretted what she and the other girls had done, deeply regretted it, and she wanted to be better like Sam, but whenever she was around Juliet she couldn't help feeling like she needed to walk on eggshells, that she was constantly teetering on a tightrope thin invisible boundary line with no idea how close she was to crossing it.

"What about?" Juliet asked from where she was sat up in bed with a sketchbook open in her lap, her thick blonde hair in a sloppy ponytail. She didn't sound hostile, she didn't sound anything. Her voice was quiet and flat. It made Elody nervous.

"Mom,"

 _Juliet let out an annoyed huff, glancing once again at the clock on her dashboard and then bringing her attention back to the empty porch of the house she was parked in front of. Sam had asked, practically begged her to pick up Elody for the summer fair, since they lived so close to each other, but Elody was currently running ten minutes late. She doesn't even know why she's surprised, Sam may have proved herself to be trustworthy but Elody was a long way off in Juliet's mind. She was starting to think Elody had arranged a different ride just so Juliet would make an idiot out of herself._

 _She pressed the horn, her patience wearing thin, and then she heard the sounds. She could hear voices but couldn't make out what they were saying. Juliet looked over at the porch and saw Elody stood there, her back to the road, arguing with a haggard looking woman in scuffed jeans and a long, ratty cardigan. Elody and the woman shared the same complexion, only her skin looked much more sallow and wrinkly, and her hair was frizzy and hanging limp around her face. The woman reminded Juliet of how she looked six months ago, messy and tired and barely hanging on. Juliet watched them as they stood arguing on the porch for five more minutes, before Elody turned and stormed down the walk._

" _Sorry I'm late," she said when she got in the car, pulling the door shut behind her so hard the whole vehicle shook. Juliet noticed the fragility in Elody's voice._

" _Is everything okay? She asked._

" _Its fine," Elody replied, her voice breaking. She turned her head away from Juliet but Juliet knew that she was trying not to cry._

" _Was that your mom?" asked Juliet gently. Elody nodded but didn't look at her._

" _Is she sick?"_

" _She has-" Elody started, taking a deep breath and then swallowing. "She's an alcoholic."_

" _Oh," Juliet responded, her voice so quiet Elody almost didn't hear her. Elody lifted her head, turning towards Juliet, the solemn look on her face almost unbearable._

" _Please don't pity me," Elody began, but Juliet quickly cut her off._

" _I'm not," she said, her voice much louder and firmer now. "I know exactly how you feel."_

" _What?" Elody practically whispers, although she can already see that answer in Juliet's eyes, a look of shared pain._

" _My dad is one too." Juliet's heart pounds as the words leave her mouth, part of her wanting to snatch them back and keep them bottled up where they had stayed for so many years, but another, more desperate part of her was glad she'd said it, that she'd finally found someone going through the same thing, even if that person did happen to be Elody. A blanket of silence fell on them, so heavy it was almost suffocating. A solid minute passed where no one spoke. They don't even notice they're still parked in front of Elody's house._

" _Do you want to talk about it?" asked Juliet, breaking the thick silence._

" _No," Elody answered firmly. "I just want to go to Kent's, please."_

" _Okay," Juliet replied, starting the car. Neither of them spoke after that until they reached Kent's house._

"Okay," Juliet said quietly, folding her sketchbook closed without looking at Elody and placing it on the nightstand. "Sit down." Elody padded over to the bed and perched on the end of it, biting her lip nervously as Juliet looked up to meet her eyes.

"I'm not used to talking about this," she stammered, unsettled by the emotions that swirled in her chest and the surrealness of who she was about to spill them to. Elody observed Juliet watching her carefully from the under the covers on the other side of the bed, finding herself unable to look away from the striking blue of her eyes. She swallowed hard before speaking again. "Me and the girls, we don't talk about our problems, we never have done. And I know Sam is trying to change that but I just don't want to open up."

"To them or at all?" Juliet asked her, watching as Elody tried to figure out her answer. She looked so confused, so conflicted.

"They wouldn't understand," Elody said eventually, shaking her head as strands of stray hair fell in her eyes. "But you do."

"I know what you mean," Juliet responded, folding her arms across her chest. "I know that I could talk to Sam or Kent about it, but I see them with their happy families and I just can't." Elody gave her a sad smile.

"We never hang out at my place when my mom's there," she continued the conversation, gripping the covers lightly between her fingers. "I feel like I have to hide her from them and I hate it."

"Has she ever tried to quit?" Juliet asked. Elody shook her head.

"She says she will but she never does," she confessed, pausing for a second and staring at the floor. "Even after she ended up in the hospital."

A heavy silence sprinkled around them like the first layers of snow landing on the ground. Both of them struggled to look at each other. Elody's chest tightened, her breath hitched, as she recalled the memory she'd never told anyone, and now she was telling it to Juliet Sykes, of all people.

"I never told the girls about that," She admitted, looking back at Juliet. It shocked her how vulnerable Elody looked, the tears threatening to spill from her eyes, that desperate look on her face that Juliet recognised all too well. Juliet looked softly back at her, their eyes locked. Between them passed an unspoken promise that anything said in this room didn't leave it.

"My dad is trying," said Juliet, sounding less hopeful than Elody would have expected someone saying those words to. She almost sounded disappointed. Juliet's arms unfolded and she began wringing her hands together in her lap, Elody watching her long pale fingers as they twisted around each other while she spoke. "After the accident my mom made him start going to meetings. Said it was a wake-up call, that our whole family needed to sort itself out. He's five months sober, but I'm still waiting for him to screw up or to find out he's been lying to us about it." Another silence fell around them, Elody looking away as Juliet processed exactly what she'd just said, feeling her words start to suffocate her.

"You can talk to me about the accident," Elody said tentatively, almost wanting to inch closer to her and let her know that everything was okay, the girl looked terrified. "If you want to."

"Well I don't," Juliet snapped, all the fear in her eyes warped into hostility in the space of a second. Juliet looked Elody right in the eyes, leaning forward and taking a harsh breath. "And whatever you think you know about that accident, it-"

"What? like the truth?" Elody countered, watching as all that fire that had so quickly taken over Juliet was abruptly snuffed out. She froze, hunching back towards the pillows like Elody had just lunged at her.

"How?" she choked out, barely even audible. It made Elody's heart break a little, seeing how scared she was of people knowing the truth about that accident and what she'd tried to do. Elody just wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and tell her everything was going to be alright. She could see how much Juliet was trying to put on a calm front, her lips were pressed so tightly together that they almost disappeared, and her face was so stern, but her eyes were screaming with terror.

"I'm not as stupid as people think I am," Elody softly answered, instinctually moving closer to her. "I kinda figured it out." With a few accidental prompts from Sam, but Elody thought it best to leave that bit out.

"Oh," sighed Juliet, her gaze falling to where her hands gripped the bed covers.

"Don't worry, I'm not judging," Elody quickly added.

"Yeah, because I totally care what you think of me," snapped Juliet, feeling anger bloom in her chest at the mere suggestion that _that_ was her biggest concern.

"Let's just forget about that," Elody suggested immediately, shaking her head as if she could shake the uncomfortable moment that had passed between them from existence. "At least your dad actually tries, my mom won't even do that. That's what we were fighting about when you picked me up, I asked her to cut down but she insists that she's got in under control."

"That old lie," Juliet scoffed. She still didn't look at Elody.

"I'm scared that she's going to have to go to rehab," Elody admitted, her voice starting to waver as she thought more and more about her situation.

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Juliet asked her, finally making eye contact with her. A touch of frustration rushed through Juliet. She didn't know what the problem was, she would be lucky if her dad went to rehab, but he couldn't because of her. Why was Elody so objecting to the thought of her mom getting the help she needs?

"My dad is away on business. I'd be completely alone," told Elody, her voice inching even closer to breaking. Oh, thought Juliet, feeling guilty that she'd judged Elody without knowing the entire situation. "Plus I have no idea how we would afford it."

"That's exactly why we didn't send dad," Juliet added, the words flowing from her mouth faster than she could care about who she was telling. "We can't afford to have two of us in therapy." Elody noticed the distinct shift in the tone of Juliet's voice. She sounded almost resentful of herself, making her mental health sound like an unexpected bill that made paying the rent a struggle.

"It's okay," said Elody delicately. She desperately wanted to reach out and hold one of her hands, let her know that she was okay to talk about being in therapy, that there was no shame in it. The way Juliet had sounded and looked just then, so emotionless and flat, had made Elody's insides turn cold, especially since she knew just how depressed Juliet had been.

And in a moment Elody really wasn't expecting, Juliet looked up at her and nodded.

"The only thing I will say is don't try and handle it by yourself," Juliet started speaking again, managing to pull herself out of whatever darkness had temporarily consumed her a moment ago. Elody was attentive, ready to listen to any advice she had. She wanted to make it obvious that she appreciated her honesty in this conversation. "We hoped it would just go away eventually but after the DUI we couldn't really ignore it anymore." An uncomfortable silence passed between them with Juliet's confession.

"Was anyone hurt?" Elody asked after a moment, not quite sure what to do with the information Juliet had just trusted her with.

"The other driver, but he had more crap in his system than dad so it was deemed his fault," Juliet told Elody, the whole time she spoke her voice was completely devoid of emotion. She seemed so detached from it all, like she was reading about a stranger's accident in the newspaper. "Dad did lose his licence though."

"Oh my god," Elody exclaimed, unable to say anything else.

"We never talked about it, we just pretended it never happened," Juliet continued, a sad reflection to her voice. She wasn't looking at Elody, she was staring at her hands on the bed as her fingers twisted in the sheets.

"How long ago was that?" asked Elody, wondering if it was too much but then reminding herself that if Juliet wasn't comfortable talking about it then she wouldn't have brought it up.

"Sophomore year," Juliet stated flatly, still staring at the bed. Elody took a moment to think of sophomore year, how long ago it felt. She remembered then that that was the year they'd started calling her psycho after watching the movie at Halloween. That was the year someone hacked her emails and shared them with everyone. That was the year they first bought a nasty rose for her on Cupid's day, rather than taping one of their own to her locker. Ally had been a cupid that year, they'd made sure she was the one to give it to her. She had all that going on top of her dad's DUI. Something inside Elody broke.

"I am so, so sorry," she confessed, feeling on the verge of tears. Juliet still wouldn't look at her.

"Not much we can do about it now, is there," Juliet responded, completely impassive, looking up from the bed to look Elody in the eye.

"How did you deal with it?" Elody asked tentatively, still trying not to drown in guilt.

"I didn't."

"I'm not dealing with it either, to be honest," she confessed, sighing as the words left her mouth. "I just try to be home as little as possible, but then I feel guilty for leaving her alone. I'll go out to parties, worrying she'll be dead by the time I get home. And then I drink, I drink so much, and I worry that I'm going to end up just like her but I can't seem to stop it."

"You're not like her," said Juliet, with a fierceness that took Elody by surprise so much her mouth fell open.

"How do you know that?" she stammered.

"Because you're talking to me now," Juliet told her, her tone much warmer this time. "And trust me, I've been that person who thought that nothing could help them, but someone." She tilted her head towards the door, in the direction of Kent's room. "Proved me wrong." Elody smiled.

"She's pretty amazing, isn't she?" she said, in awe of what a spectacular person her friend had become. Something which she felt she could only ever wish for herself.

"Definitely not what I was expecting," replied Juliet, smiling slightly as she looked towards the door. Elody sighed.

"Well, I'm off to bed," she announced, rising from where she was perched and pulling down the hem of her t shirt. "Thank you so much for this."

"You're welcome," Juliet said quietly. Elody made her way towards the door, turning around just before she opened it.

"But just so you know, this doesn't make us friends," said Juliet as Elody turned around, more of a warning. This conversation was to be their little secret, the fact they had personal circumstances in common changed nothing. There was still a lot of work to be done before they could be considered anything resembling friends, and Juliet made that abundantly clear.

"It just makes you a better person than I'll ever be," Elody replied, glancing down at the floor as another wave of guilt hit her. "Goodnight, and thanks again."

"It's okay," said Juliet, a quiet reassurance that having these conversations was okay, and maybe they'd be able to do it again. Elody left, feeling like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and steps in the right direction had been made.


End file.
